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A bartender on a slow day looks up and sees President Bush and Collin Powell arriving and taking seats at the end of the bar. He is surprised to see them and asks them what they are doing in a bar. Powell answers, "We need time to discuss what the next actions will be in Iraq." The bartender asks, "What are some of your ideas for Iraq?" Bush answers, "Well we have one idea ... but it won't be pretty. We will strategically drop a nuke in Iraq ... but it will kill a half a million Iraqis ... and one blonde with big boobs." The bartender screams out, "Oh My God! A blonde with big boobs?! Why??" Powell looks at Bush and says "See? I told ya no one would care about the half million Iraqis."
Submitted by Marjorie in Santa Rosa: A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room. What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me. The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said.
Submitted by Ron in Pleasant Hill: A young Jewish kid comes home excited from the casting call at the local theater. "Momma, Momma," he says. "I got a part in the play. I'm gonna play the husband!" "So," she says. "you couldn't get a speaking part?"
Submitted by Anita: I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner...
>From comedian Chris Alpine: What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion? Most of the time you get an onion with really long ears, but every once in a while you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
Submitted by Lynn in Contra Costa: SECRETS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE 1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans. 2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money. 3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex. 4. It is important that these three women never meet.
Submitted by Ward and Barbara: When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"
Submitted by Mavis: So a guy walks into a bar with a goose under his arm and says to the bartender: "Give me a beer. And hurry your butt up about it -- I don't have all day." The bartender cocks an eyebrow. She pours him a mug of beer and slides it across the bar to him. "That's quite a pig you've got there," she says. "Will you give me a damn break," the man tells her. He takes a huge slurp of beer and burps. "This isn't a pig -- it's a goose." "I'm talking to the goose," says the bartender.
Submitted by Phil: Three Italian mothers were attending a football game. Each had a son playing on the same team. At the start of the game, the first boy saw his opportunity, grabbed the ball and running quickly, out-foxed the opposing team, making the first touchdown. His mother, obviously proud of her son, sprang from the bleachers, shouting in her broken Italian accent, "Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna da Pet milk. Ain't he-a fine?" Soon, the second boy received the ball and in a spectacular run down the field, made another goal for the team. Not wanting to be outdone by the first boy's mother, the second boy's mother jumped from her seat, exclaiming, "Thatsa *my* boy!! I raised him onna da breast milk. Ain't he-a wonderful?" The third boy, hadn't done so well, but finally someone threw him the ball. He fumbled it, then recovered ... running in the wrong direction, fell with the ball, ran some more, stumbled again, dropped it once more, recovered it and finally crossed the goal line on the wrong end of the field. The third Italian mother couldn't stand it any longer. Rising from her place in the stands, she shouted, "Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna Milk of Magnesia. Ain't he-a the shits?"
Submitted by Suzanne: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."
Submitted by Doug in San Francisco: While on a business trip to Rome the CEO of Tyson Foods manages to be granted an audience with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers to the Holy Father, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Tyson Foods is prepared to donate $100 million dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'." The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed as stated in the Scriptures." "Well," says the Tyson man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'." Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. As I have said, this prayer represents the immutable word of God and it cannot be changed under any circumstance no matter how good it may appear." Finally, the Tyson guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Tyson Foods respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million dollars -- that's half a billion dollars -- to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'. Please consider it." And so he leaves. The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church has come into $500 million dollars." "And the bad news, your eminence?" asks a Cardinal. The Pope replies, "We're losing the Wonder Bread account."
Submitted byMary Jane in Pleasant Hill (as heard on the Dr. Dean Edell Show): Maude and Claude, who were up in years, met one another at a retirement community. They found they had similar interests and enjoyed spending time together. One day Claude asked Maude if she'd like to go out to dinner with him sometime. She said she would, so they set a date. They had a wonderful time and afterwards Claude invited Maude to his apartment for after-dinner coffee. She told him she would enjoy that. As they finished their coffee, Claude moved closer and asked if she would like to go to bed with him. Maude thought for a moment and told him that was a good idea. So, they went to bed and there was a fair amount of action. When they were finished, Claude thought to himself : "I wish I had known she was a virgin. I would have been more gentle." Maude thought to herself: "I wish I had known he could do it -- I would have taken off my pantyhose."
Submitted by Mary in Pleasant Hill A husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife hen peck you. Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband took the doctor's advice. He rushed home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight I'm going out with the boys and you are going to stay at home where you belong. And another thing, guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?" His wife said calmly, "The undertaker."
Submitted by Teri: This morning, as I lie on my bed thinking about you, I have this strong urge to grab you ... because I just can't forget about last night. Late in the balmy night, unexpectedly, you came to me in my bed and what happened there still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared out of nowhere and shamelessly, without reservation, you laid on my naked body without guilt or humiliation. You drove me crazy with your taunting and sucking. Only after you were finally satisfied did I fall asleep, but today, when I woke up, you were gone. I've searched for you everywhere, to no avail. My sheets still bear witness to last night's events, as does my body, which still shows your mark, making it that much harder to forget you. Tonight I promise to remain awake and wait for you and as soon as you appear, I will grab you and never let you go. This time you won't disappear. And, I won't rest until I squeeze the life out of you and destroy you once and for all, you damned mosquito!
Submitted by LL: A plumber received a call from a lady whose sink had a bad leak. The plumber said he could come right over. The lady said that would be great but she had to go out. She agreed to leave her key under the door mat by the kitchen, she also mentioned that she had a large pit bull dog and a parrot in the kitchen. The dog would be no problem she said, but what ever you do, don't talk to the parrot. When the plumber arrived all was as the lady said ... key under mat, pit bull sleeping and a parrot squawking in its cage. The plumber started to repair the leak all the while the parrot was making all kinds of noises and swearing at the plumber. The poor plumber could take it no longer and yelled at the parrot to shut up! The parrot was quite for a moment ... and than said, "Sic him, Max!"
Submitted by Teri: A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a walk she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." Well, the woman was so impressed she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" "No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
Submitted by Melvin and Mae: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger. The other is just a fish.
Submitted by William in Petaluma: A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "Hmm ...," he wonders, "how am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Buster how to talk!" "That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Buster doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." ...And his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Buster? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Buster was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives over on Oak Street?' " The father says, "Oh, NO! I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!"
From Father Guido Sarducci (as told by Bill Newsome): When you die and go to heaven, you're given a bankroll of $250,000. But before you can enter the pearly gates, you have to pay off your sins. Take murder, for example. You lose all. Armed robbery costs you $25,000. Or suppose you went out and stole a car. That's ten thousand bucks. Masturbation costs a quarter. Why only a quarter? Well, it adds up!
From Dan and Jean: Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies. A few weeks later she remarries and over the years has another 22 children with her second husband. After the last child is born her second husband also dies. Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin,
looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean
Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
From Michele in Brookvale:
Guy has stuffed his pant pockets with golf balls he found searching the
rough at the golf course across town. He catches a bus for the trip home.
The bus is very crowded and he has to stand. Guy notices a young woman
staring at his bulging pockets. He whispers to her "golf balls." She
continues to stare and then asks, "Is that as painful as tennis elbow?"
From Jeanna: It's the first day of school in Houston and the teacher figures she'll get to know the kids by asking them their names and what their fathers do for a living. The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman." The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic." Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men." The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it's really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushes and says, "I'm sorry but my dad is really an auditor for Arthur Andersen and I was just too embarrassed to say so."
>From Ann: Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
From Bob in Soquel:
Q: What do Kmart stores and Catholic priests have in common?
A: Both have boys underwear half off.
From Bill: While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class so many years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1960." "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?
From Janis in Mill Valley: When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night
and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I
thought it would be better for posterity to remember him
as a great lover rather than the big s*** he always was."
From Mike in Olympia, WA A man asked his wife, "If you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?" "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Off to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M & M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being six again?" With one eye barely opened she said, "I meant my dress size, you asshole."
From John in Dublin: I left Montreal heading toward Quebec City, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall: "Hi, how are you doing?" Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed: "Not bad." And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?" Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said: "Well, just like you I'm driving east."
Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back,
there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking
you."
From JD: An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made is way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was the elderly Irishman in Heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife ....
"Back off," she said, "they're for the funeral."
From Phil: A truck driver hauling a tractor trailer filled with computer, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door reading, "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter at Your Own Risk." He enters the bar and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs him, says that he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartenders says okay, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and now they are in season. "You don't even need a license," he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. Remembering what had happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "but you can't bait 'em."
From Nancy: A couple, both 78 years old, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man asks, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, " Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90, the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43."
The best joke of February 2002, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. She reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body, I don't even know who you are !"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was
friends."
The best joke of January 2002, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he is sending a friend over to look at a horse. The buddy says, "How will I recognize him?" "That's easy, he's a dwarf with a speech impediment." So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth. can I see her mouf" The rancher is getting pretty upset by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat"? Totally upset at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and jams the dwarf's head as far as he can up the horse's you-know-what, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The dwarf gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a
widdle bit?"
The best joke of December 2001, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland
Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like
only
yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands
and knees.
The best joke of November 2001, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland Submitted by Jim: Her Side of the Story: He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else. His Side of the Story:
The 49er's lost. Got laid though.
The best joke of October 2001, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not
in bed. She
put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the
kitchen table
with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep
thought,
just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye
and take a
sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down
here at this
time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and we were
so young?"
he asked.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of
my car making
love?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said,
'Either you
marry my daughter or spend the next twenty years in jail?"
"Yes, I do," she said.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know...I
would have
gotten out today."
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