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When you die and go to heaven, you're given a bankroll of $250,000. But before you can enter the pearly gates, you have to pay off your sins. Take murder, for example. You lose all. Armed robbery costs you $25,000. Or suppose you went out and stole a car. That's ten thousand bucks. Masturbation costs a quarter. Why only a quarter? Well, it adds up!
From Dan and Jean: Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies. A few weeks later she remarries and over the years has another 22 children with her second husband. After the last child is born her second husband also dies. Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin,
looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean
Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
From Michele in Brookvale:
Guy has stuffed his pant pockets with golf balls he found searching the
rough at the golf course across town. He catches a bus for the trip home.
The bus is very crowded and he has to stand. Guy notices a young woman
staring at his bulging pockets. He whispers to her "golf balls." She
continues to stare and then asks, "Is that as painful as tennis elbow?"
From Jeanna: It's the first day of school in Houston and the teacher figures she'll get to know the kids by asking them their names and what their fathers do for a living. The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman." The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic." Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men." The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it's really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushes and says, "I'm sorry but my dad is really an auditor for Arthur Andersen and I was just too embarrassed to say so."
>From Ann: Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
From Bob in Soquel:
Q: What do Kmart stores and Catholic priests have in common?
A: Both have boys underwear half off.
From Bill: While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class so many years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1960." "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?
From Janis in Mill Valley: When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night
and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I
thought it would be better for posterity to remember him
as a great lover rather than the big s*** he always was."
From Mike in Olympia, WA A man asked his wife, "If you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?" "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Off to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M & M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being six again?" With one eye barely opened she said, "I meant my dress size, you asshole."
From John in Dublin: I left Montreal heading toward Quebec City, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall: "Hi, how are you doing?" Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed: "Not bad." And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?" Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said: "Well, just like you I'm driving east."
Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back,
there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking
you."
From JD: An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made is way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was the elderly Irishman in Heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife ....
"Back off," she said, "they're for the funeral."
From Phil: A truck driver hauling a tractor trailer filled with computer, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door reading, "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter at Your Own Risk." He enters the bar and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs him, says that he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartenders says okay, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and now they are in season. "You don't even need a license," he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. Remembering what had happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "but you can't bait 'em."
From Nancy: A couple, both 78 years old, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man asks, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, " Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90, the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43."
The best joke of February 2002, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. She reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body, I don't even know who you are !"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was
friends."
The best joke of January 2002, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he is sending a friend over to look at a horse. The buddy says, "How will I recognize him?" "That's easy, he's a dwarf with a speech impediment." So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth. can I see her mouf" The rancher is getting pretty upset by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat"? Totally upset at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and jams the dwarf's head as far as he can up the horse's you-know-what, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The dwarf gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a
widdle bit?"
The best joke of December 2001, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland
Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like
only
yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands
and knees.
The best joke of November 2001, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland Submitted by Jim: Her Side of the Story: He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else. His Side of the Story:
The 49er's lost. Got laid though.
The best joke of October 2001, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not
in bed. She
put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the
kitchen table
with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep
thought,
just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye
and take a
sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down
here at this
time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and we were
so young?"
he asked.
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of
my car making
love?"
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said,
'Either you
marry my daughter or spend the next twenty years in jail?"
"Yes, I do," she said.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know...I
would have
gotten out today."
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