Jokes heard on 2-14-02

Submitted by Diane in Vacaville

Valentines Rhymes

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but ... the least romantic second line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.


Submitted by Kent in Hollister

Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" The man answers, "241." "That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and other mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!"

Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, What is your IQ?" The lady answers, "144." "That is great!" says Albert. "We can discuss politics, religion, and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"

Albert goes to another man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51." Albert says, "How 'bout dem Raiders?"


Submitted by Mike in Olympia, WA

Two tourist groups, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend in Vegas. The brunettes ride in the bottom of the bus and the blondes ride on the top level.

The brunettes down below are whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.

She decides to go up and investigate.

When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them.

The brunette says, "What is going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the blondes says, "Sure you are. But you've got a driver!"


Submitted by Mike K.

A man went into a popular Chinese restaurant and was asked to wait at the bar until a table was available. The bartender asked "What would you like?"

The man answered, "I'd like a Stoli with a twist."

The bartender paused for a moment, then said, "Once upon a time, there were three little pigs....."


Submitted by Evelyn W.

Out of the mouths of babes ...

A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"

Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend."

Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door. When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your grandma home?"

The little boy replied, "Yes, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."


Submitted by Chris in Cupertino

Here's a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization.

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it.

However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes."

"After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil."

"This represents a Drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. "

"If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was rather impressed.

The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around.

I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies.

My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice.

"Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom."

"How so?" I asked.

"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the head of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."

"Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?"

"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."


Submitted by Mike in Petaluma

Ronn, did you hear that they are tearing down all the Wall Marts and K-Marts in Iraq? Yep, its true! They're putting up TARGETS!


Submitted by Bill in SF

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him."


Submitted by Brian in Pittsburg

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed he buys a pack, and when he gets home he tells his wife about his purchase.

"What makes them so special?", she asks.

"There are three colors," he says. "Gold, Silver and Bronze.

"What color are you going to wear tonight," she asks. "Gold of course," the man answers proudly.

The wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver ... it would be nice if you came second for a change."


Submitted by Leslie in Danville

A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders, like the Enron or WorldCom guys.

Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books and the taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.

"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered

the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked.

"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer.

So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases?

What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."

"Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?"

"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS."

"The IRS?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.

"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the IRS....and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you." ===

Submitted by Geri in Austin, TX

Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

One day the girls decided, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband fooling around with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"


Submitted by Corkie

A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, Cruise Special -- $99!"

So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."

The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.

A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.

Somehow drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?"

The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year...."


Submitted by Kay in Sacramento

Numerous doctors attend a funeral for a cardiologist. Behind the cardiologist's casket is a large, beautiful heart. At the conclusion of the service, the casket swings around and moves into the heart, and the heart closes, enclosing the cardiologist's remains in its beauty forever.

At the back of the room, a man starts laughing. Asked about this later, the man says "No offense, I was just watching this and thinking about my own funeral someday. I'm a gynecologist."

Nearby, the proctologist fainted.


Submitted by Fran K.

A Jewish lady is sitting at home when the phone rings. "Hello," she says.

"Hello," says the male voice at the other end, "I bet you'd really like it if I came round, ripped off your blouse and bra and pants, then threw you to the floor and made hot, sweaty love to you ..."

The Jewish lady replies, "From 'hello', you can tell all this......?"


Submitted by Dee in Citrus Heights

Two blondes are in heaven...

One blonde says to another, "How did you die?" "I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping."

"How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde.

"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity! If you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."


Submitted by Mark in Fremont

As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"


Submitted by Mel in Mill Valley

Two Priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it He turns to the other Priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to 2 butts a day"


Submitted by Rocky in Rocklin

A new year of school just begun. And the 4th grade teacher thought it would be a good idea to get acquainted with her class. She asked each child to tell their name and what their father's job was.

The first child answered, " My name is Bobby and my dad is a postman." The second child answered, "MY name is Mary and my dad is a mechanic." The third child answered by saying, "My name is Johnny and my dad strips in a gay bar."

Very embarrassed and alarmed by his answer the teacher immediately changed the subject. During recess the teacher approached Johnny and questioned if his father really worked as a stripper in a gay bar.

Johnny answered "No, I was too embarrassed to admit it but, my dad is the defensive coordinator for the Oakland Raiders."


Submitted by Bob in Half Moon Bay

Yassir Arafat is in his office, alone, when his bodyguards hear a loud explosion inside his office. Rushing in, they see him on the floor, face bloodied.

They ask, "What happened, Mr. Chairman?"

"A letter bomb," exclaimed the injured Arafat.

"But a letter bomb would have wounded your hands, not your mouth," replied one of his experienced men.

"I was sealing it," said Arafat.


Submitted by Barbara in Berkeley

Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the Condo clubhouse when Leo Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Finkelstein looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws and Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Goldberg says, "I'll go tell him."


Submitted by Ray in San Jose

How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?

His hand caught on fire.


Submitted by Obie in Atherton

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night."

The son then asks his father, "What's the 6 pack for?"

The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."

Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for.

The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March......"


Submitted by Ronald

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some training on a Navajo Indian reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts.

Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused.

So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these assholes; they have come to steal your land."


Submitted by Dale in Santa Rosa

A man approaches a beautiful woman in a grocery store and he says, "I've lost my wife. Do you mind talking to me for a few minutes?"

The woman looks puzzled. She asks, "Why talk to me?"

The guy says, "Because every time I talk to a woman with big boobs my wife shows up out of nowhere."

------------------------------------------------- Jokes heard on 11-1-02

Submitted by Frances in Alameda

GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 40 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 41 and 50 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 51 and 60 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war -- haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 61 and 70, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 71 and 75, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 75, they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.


Between 12 and 92, a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.


Submitted by Artee

Ariel Sharon, the Israeli Prime Minister comes to Washington for meetings with President Bush. For the State Dinner, Laura Bush decides to bring in a special Kosher Chef and have a truly Jewish meal. At the dinner that night, the first course is served and it is matzoh ball Soup.

President Bush looks at this and after learning what it is called he tells an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew. The aide says that Mr. Sharon will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it.

Not wanting to cause any trouble, after all he ate sheep's eye in honor of his Arab guests, the President gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and retrieves a piece of matzoh ball and some broth. He hesitates, then swallows and a grin appears on his face.

He digs right in and finishes the whole bowl.

"That was delicious," he says to Sharon. "Do the Jews eat any other part of the matzoh or just the balls?"


Submitted by Mark

Little Billy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one, an old man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."

Little Billy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

"Oh?" replied the old man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own damn business!!"


Submitted by Bob

A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a five-iron in his hands, staring at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground. The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"


"Did you hit her with that golf club?"

"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club, and puts his hands on his head. "How many times did you hit her?"

"I don't know," said the man, "five, six. Put me down for a five."


Submitted by Nick

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

And the shopkeeper gets down one his knees, (so that he's on the same level with her), and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabbit?"

She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says, "I don't fink my pyfon weally cares."


Submitted by Scott in Concord

A man is talking to God.

He says, "God, why did you make women so beautiful?"

God Says, " So you would like them."

Then the man says, " Well then why did you make women with such wonderful bodies?"

God says, "So you would like them."

At last the man says, " So then why did you make women so stupid?"

God says, "So they'd like you.


Submitted by Bob in Marin

Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese."

The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."

The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this b.s. Gotta go home and boink the cat."


Submitted by Jack

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner exclaims, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"


Submitted by Robin in San Carlos

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, DC this Christmas. This isn't for any religious constitutional reason.

They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.


Submitted by Charles in San Jose

There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady asked what she meant.

"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"


Submitted by Alan in Stockton

Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."

The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.

"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?" Number Three Samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and Swoooooosh! flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. Circumcision... THAT takes skill!"


Submitted by Roseville Phil

Q: Why did the buffalo give up his cell phone?

A: The roaming charges were killin' him!


Submitted by Robin in Fairfield

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his belt buckle. The bartender looks at the pirate and says, "Hey, do you know you have a steering wheel on your pants?"

The pirate replies, "Arg, it's drivin' me nuts."


Submitted by Jeanna in Concord

Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"Osama Bin Laden," she says.

"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.

"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Melissa says, "And once that gets him out in the open, Our troops could blow the crap out of him."


Submitted by Gerry Ott

On a visit to his doctor, an elderly gentlemen asks for a prescription of Viagra. Doctor says, "No problem. How many do you want?"

Old man answers, "Just a few, but cut them into quarters."

Doctor says, "Well that won't do you any good!"

Old guy says, "That's all right. I'm over 90 years old, so I don't need them for sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."


Submitted by Anita

This is so typical of a child. Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, Why didn't you say so? like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

Her trial starts next week.


From Larry "Bubbles" Brown

A couple are driving down the road.

The wife says to her husband, "I wish they'd name a freeway after you."

The husbands asks, "Why, do you think I'm *that* important?"

"No," she replies. "It would mean that you'd have been dead 5 years."


Submitted by Mike Orkin

It is teeming rain and the rising river begins to threaten all manner of private homes, including that of the local Rabbi.

With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous."

The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident He will deliver me."

Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the Rabbi has been forced up to the second floor of his house. A second police rowboat comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous."

The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident He will deliver me."

The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced up onto the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over, and the officer shouts down, "Rabbi, grab the rope and we'll pull you up! You're in terrible danger!"

The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident He will deliver me."

The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off the roof, carried away in the current and drowns. He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gates he is admitted, and comes before the Divine Presence. The Rabbi asks, "Dear Lord, I don't understand. I've been a righteous, observant person my whole life, and depended on You to save me in my hour of need. Where were You?"

And the Lord answers, "Schmuck, I sent two boats and a helicopter. What more do you want?"


Submitted by Joanne

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh ... she got fired too."


Submitted by Joe in Redwood City

Two five-year-old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

"I've been circumcised."

”What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My Mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?"

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"


Submitted by Gerry Ott

A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250"

Man - "Fine."

A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$750"

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy - "$1,000"

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that ... that is way more than those two things a worth. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."

The winner of the $500 prize for best joke heard on the R&B Joke Hour on August 9th was submitted by Rick Maier:

A bartender on a slow day looks up and sees President Bush and Collin Powell arriving and taking seats at the end of the bar. He is surprised to see them and asks them what they are doing in a bar. Powell answers, "We need time to discuss what the next actions will be in Iraq."

The bartender asks, "What are some of your ideas for Iraq?" Bush answers, "Well we have one idea ... but it won't be pretty. We will strategically drop a nuke in Iraq ... but it will kill a half a million Iraqis ... and one blonde with big boobs."

The bartender screams out, "Oh My God! A blonde with big boobs?! Why??"

Powell looks at Bush and says "See? I told ya no one would care about the half million Iraqis."


Submitted by Marjorie in Santa Rosa:

A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room. What are you doing?" she asked.

"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me.

The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said.


Submitted by Ron in Pleasant Hill:

A young Jewish kid comes home excited from the casting call at the local theater.

"Momma, Momma," he says. "I got a part in the play. I'm gonna play the husband!"

"So," she says. "you couldn't get a speaking part?"


Submitted by Anita:

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner...


From comedian Chris Alpine:

What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion? Most of the time you get an onion with really long ears, but every once in a while you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.


Submitted by Lynn in Contra Costa:

SECRETS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE 1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.

2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.

3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.

4. It is important that these three women never meet.


Submitted by Ward and Barbara:

When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?"


Submitted by Mavis:

So a guy walks into a bar with a goose under his arm and says to the bartender: "Give me a beer. And hurry your butt up about it -- I don't have all day."

The bartender cocks an eyebrow. She pours him a mug of beer and slides it across the bar to him.

"That's quite a pig you've got there," she says.

"Will you give me a damn break," the man tells her. He takes a huge slurp of beer and burps. "This isn't a pig -- it's a goose."

"I'm talking to the goose," says the bartender.


Submitted by Phil:

Three Italian mothers were attending a football game. Each had a son playing on the same team. At the start of the game, the first boy saw his opportunity, grabbed the ball and running quickly, out-foxed the opposing team, making the first touchdown. His mother, obviously proud of her son, sprang from the bleachers, shouting in her broken Italian accent, "Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna da Pet milk. Ain't he-a fine?"

Soon, the second boy received the ball and in a spectacular run down the field, made another goal for the team. Not wanting to be outdone by the first boy's mother, the second boy's mother jumped from her seat, exclaiming, "Thatsa *my* boy!! I raised him onna da breast milk. Ain't he-a wonderful?"

The third boy, hadn't done so well, but finally someone threw him the ball. He fumbled it, then recovered ... running in the wrong direction, fell with the ball, ran some more, stumbled again, dropped it once more, recovered it and finally crossed the goal line on the wrong end of the field. The third Italian mother couldn't stand it any longer. Rising from her place in the stands, she shouted, "Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna Milk of Magnesia. Ain't he-a the shits?"


Submitted by Suzanne:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.

As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.

Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."


Submitted by Doug in San Francisco:

While on a business trip to Rome the CEO of Tyson Foods manages to be granted an audience with the Pope at the Vatican.

After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers to the Holy Father, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Tyson Foods is prepared to donate $100 million dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'."

The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed as stated in the Scriptures."

"Well," says the Tyson man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'."

Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. As I have said, this prayer represents the immutable word of God and it cannot be changed under any circumstance no matter how good it may appear."

Finally, the Tyson guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Tyson Foods respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million dollars -- that's half a billion dollars -- to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'. Please consider it." And so he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church has come into $500 million dollars."

"And the bad news, your eminence?" asks a Cardinal.

The Pope replies, "We're losing the Wonder Bread account."


Submitted byMary Jane in Pleasant Hill (as heard on the Dr. Dean Edell Show):

Maude and Claude, who were up in years, met one another at a retirement community. They found they had similar interests and enjoyed spending time together. One day Claude asked Maude if she'd like to go out to dinner with him sometime. She said she would, so they set a date. They had a wonderful time and afterwards Claude invited Maude to his apartment for after-dinner coffee. She told him she would enjoy that. As they finished their coffee, Claude moved closer and asked if she would like to go to bed with him. Maude thought for a moment and told him that was a good idea. So, they went to bed and there was a fair amount of action. When they were finished, Claude thought to himself : "I wish I had known she was a virgin. I would have been more gentle." Maude thought to herself: "I wish I had known he could do it -- I would have taken off my pantyhose."


Submitted by Mary in Pleasant Hill

A husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife hen peck you. Go home and show her you're the boss."

The husband took the doctor's advice. He rushed home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight I'm going out with the boys and you are going to stay at home where you belong. And another thing, guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?"

His wife said calmly, "The undertaker."


Submitted by Teri:

This morning, as I lie on my bed thinking about you, I have this strong urge to grab you ... because I just can't forget about last night.

Late in the balmy night, unexpectedly, you came to me in my bed and what happened there still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared out of nowhere and shamelessly, without reservation, you laid on my naked body without guilt or humiliation. You drove me crazy with your taunting and sucking.

Only after you were finally satisfied did I fall asleep, but today, when I woke up, you were gone. I've searched for you everywhere, to no avail. My sheets still bear witness to last night's events, as does my body, which still shows your mark, making it that much harder to forget you.

Tonight I promise to remain awake and wait for you and as soon as you appear, I will grab you and never let you go. This time you won't disappear. And, I won't rest until I squeeze the life out of you and destroy you once and for all, you damned mosquito!


Submitted by LL:

A plumber received a call from a lady whose sink had a bad leak. The plumber said he could come right over. The lady said that would be great but she had to go out. She agreed to leave her key under the door mat by the kitchen, she also mentioned that she had a large pit bull dog and a parrot in the kitchen. The dog would be no problem she said, but what ever you do, don't talk to the parrot.

When the plumber arrived all was as the lady said ... key under mat, pit bull sleeping and a parrot squawking in its cage. The plumber started to repair the leak all the while the parrot was making all kinds of noises and swearing at the plumber. The poor plumber could take it no longer and yelled at the parrot to shut up!

The parrot was quite for a moment ... and than said, "Sic him, Max!"


Submitted by Teri:

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a walk she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."

Well, the woman was so impressed she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"

"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."


Submitted by Melvin and Mae:

What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

One is a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger.

The other is just a fish.


Submitted by William in Petaluma:

A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.

"Hmm ...," he wonders, "how am I gonna get more dough?"

Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Buster how to talk!"

"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course."

So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.

"So how's Buster doing, son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"

"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." ...And his father sends the money.

At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Buster? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Buster was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives over on Oak Street?' "

The father says, "Oh, NO! I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"


From Father Guido Sarducci (as told by Bill Newsome):

When you die and go to heaven, you're given a bankroll of $250,000. But before you can enter the pearly gates, you have to pay off your sins.

Take murder, for example. You lose all. Armed robbery costs you $25,000. Or suppose you went out and stole a car. That's ten thousand bucks.

Masturbation costs a quarter.

Why only a quarter?

Well, it adds up!


From Dan and Jean:

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies.

A few weeks later she remarries and over the years has another 22 children with her second husband. After the last child is born her second husband also dies.

Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies.

At her wake the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally together." A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?" The priest says, "I mean her legs."

From Michele in Brookvale:

Guy has stuffed his pant pockets with golf balls he found searching the rough at the golf course across town. He catches a bus for the trip home. The bus is very crowded and he has to stand. Guy notices a young woman staring at his bulging pockets. He whispers to her "golf balls." She continues to stare and then asks, "Is that as painful as tennis elbow?"

From Jeanna:

It's the first day of school in Houston and the teacher figures she'll get to know the kids by asking them their names and what their fathers do for a living.

The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."

The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."

Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men."

The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it's really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.

He blushes and says, "I'm sorry but my dad is really an auditor for Arthur Andersen and I was just too embarrassed to say so."


>From Ann:

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."


From Bob in Soquel:

Q: What do Kmart stores and Catholic priests have in common? A: Both have boys underwear half off.

From Bill:

While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class so many years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate.

After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

"Yes," he replied.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1960."

"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?

From Janis in Mill Valley:

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big s*** he always was."

From Mike in Olympia, WA

A man asked his wife, "If you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?" "I'd love to be six again," she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park.

What a day!

He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.

Off to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.

Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M & M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being six again?"

With one eye barely opened she said, "I meant my dress size, you asshole."


From John in Dublin:

I left Montreal heading toward Quebec City, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall: "Hi, how are you doing?"

Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed: "Not bad."

And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?" Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said: "Well, just like you I'm driving east."

Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back, there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you."

From JD:

An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made is way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was the elderly Irishman in Heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife ....

"Back off," she said, "they're for the funeral."

From Phil:

A truck driver hauling a tractor trailer filled with computer, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door reading, "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter at Your Own Risk."

He enters the bar and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs him, says that he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartenders says okay, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and now they are in season.

"You don't even need a license," he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. Remembering what had happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "but you can't bait 'em."

From Nancy:

A couple, both 78 years old, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man asks, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.00.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, " Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90, the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43."

The best joke of February 2002, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland
Submitted by Mike in Arizona

In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. She reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body, I don't even know who you are !"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

The best joke of January 2002, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland
Christina in Sunnyvale

A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he is sending a friend over to look at a horse.

The buddy says, "How will I recognize him?" "That's easy, he's a dwarf with a speech impediment."

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the

once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth. can I see her mouf"

The rancher is getting pretty upset by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally upset at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and jams the dwarf's head as far as he can up the horse's you-know-what, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The dwarf gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?"

The best joke of December 2001, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland
Submitted by Mike in Arizona

Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees.

The best joke of November 2001, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland

Submitted by Jim:

Her Side of the Story:

He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure.

So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed.

Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.

His Side of the Story:

The 49er's lost. Got laid though.

The best joke of October 2001, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland
Bill Tacherra of Bolinas.

A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and we were so young?" he asked. "Yes, I do," she replied. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember." "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend the next twenty years in jail?" "Yes, I do," she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know...I would have gotten out today."