Jokes heard on 9-5-03 Submitted by Jeff in Santa Clara While walking down the street one day, a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you." "No problem, just let me in," says the lady. "Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity." "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the head of state. "I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her. "Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns. "Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity." She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell." So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bag. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm around her neck. "I don't understand," stammers the head of state. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable." The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today, you voted for us!" === Submitted by ChiliJohn in Woodland Couple was visiting the cemetery to put new flowers on the wife's father's grave when they heard a heart-stopping cry of grief coming from behind a tree. They were concerned and went to see if they could help. They found a man prostrate across a grave crying "Why, Why, Why did you have to Die, Why, Oh Why....." They tried to console him, but he continued to cry and wail, "Why Did You Have to Die." The wife edged up to the grief-stricken man and said in a soft voice, "Sir, we share your pain, when did your wife pass on?" The man on the ground looked up and said, "It's my wife's first husband!" === Submitted by Rakesh in Fremont Two Irish Nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat. One nun says to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America we might as well do as Americans do." So both Nuns walk towards a hot dog vendor. "Two Dogs, please," says the first Nun. The vendor is only too happy to oblige, and wraps 2 hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs". The first Nun opens hers and stares at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun cautiously asks, "What part of the dog did you get?" ==== Submitted by Luise Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. Look, Michael. Look what I've made." Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people." God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, "What's that one?" "Ah"' said God. "That's California, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, deserts, streams, hills, and forests. The people from California are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. " Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!!!" God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in Sacramento." === Submitted by Steve in Saratoga A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed. "Breast fed," she replied. "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk." "I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came." === Submitted by Jacque in Monterey Man and a woman had been dating and were about to consummate their relationship. The woman is in bed watching the man undress. As the man takes off his shirt, tattooed on his arm is the word “Nike”. The woman asks “What is that?” “Oh” says the man. I was working out at the gym and a guy comes up to me and says I’ll pay you $5000 dollars to tattoo the name ‘Nike’ on your arm. So I took it.” The woman thinks this is a bit odd, but oh well, she likes him. As the man takes off his pants, he has the word “Converse” tattooed on each leg. The woman again asks about these odd tattoos. “Well,” says the man. “A second guy came into the gym while I was working out and saw the Nike tattoo and said he would give me $100,000 for each leg, if I would tattoo ‘Converse’ on each leg. Well the woman is getting leery, but hasn’t had sex in a while and figures the lights will be out soon enough, so ignores this new revelation. Finally, the man drops his shorts and the woman is aghast. Upon his penis is the word “Aids” is tattooed. “Whoa” yells the woman “I’m not sleeping with anyone with AIDS.” The man states, “Give it a moment, it will say Adidas.” === Submitted by Peg This little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink. He's been sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig. The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered I had forgotten my wallet in it. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar and was thinking about putting an end to my life, and you show up and drink the damn poison." === Submitted by Donald Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth. Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day? A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner. ==== Submitted by Deanna in Castro Valley Dan Rather, Jesse Jackson, Cokie Roberts from National Public Radio and a Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals. They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief. The chief said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?" Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili." The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content." Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing 'We Shall Overcome' one last time." The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening." Jackson sang the song, and then said,"Now I can die in peace." Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end." The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy." The chief said, "And, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?" "Kick me in the ass." said the Marine. "What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?" "No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass." insisted the Marine. So the chief untied the Marine, shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his haversack, pulled out an M16, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were all dead or fleeing for their lives. As the Marine was untying the others, they each asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass? " "What!?" said the Marine, "And have you assholes call ME the aggressor?!?" ==== Submitted by William in Santa Rosa Jesus went into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender said, "Sure, but why don't you have it in the back room which is more private?" Jesus said, "Okay." Later a man in a wheelchair came in and the bartender told him about Jesus. The man said, "Great! Please buy him a beer on me!", which the bartender did. Later a man on crutches came into the bar and the bartender told him about Jesus and he said, "Fine! Please buy him drink on me!", which the bartender did. Then a man with a cane came in and when he heard about Jesus he also bought him a beer. Later when Jesus finished his beers he came out and went up to the man in the wheelchair, thanked him for the beer and put his hand on his head. "Hallelujah!" said the man. "I can walk!" and threw his wheelchair away. Jesus went up to the man on crutches and did the same thing. "Hallelujah!" said the man. "I can walk!", and he threw away his crutches. Jesus then went to the man with the cane who said, "Hey don't touch me. I'm on worker's comp." === Submitted by Edward Three Engineers and three MBAs are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three MBAs each buy tickets and watch as the three Engineers buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an MBA. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer. They all board the train. The MBAs take their respective seats but all three Engineers cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The MBAs see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the MBAs decide to copy the Engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed MBA. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer. When they board the train the three MBAs cram into a bathroom and the three Engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Engineers leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the MBAs are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please." ==== Submitted by Duane in Concord This guy walks into a Diner with an ostrich. He orders # 3, burger, fries and a coke. The ostrich says, "Same for me." They eat, and the waitress says, "that'll be $6.11." He pays her the exact amount out of his pocket. Next day, same guy walks into the same Diner, with his ostrich. He orders the same - # 3, The ostrich says, "Same for me." They eat, finish, and the waitress says, "that'll be $6.11." He pays her the exact amount from his pocket. Next day, he comes into the Diner, with his ostrich. The waitress says, "Have your regulars?" He says no, not today. Today, I would like fish and chips and iced tea. Ostrich says: "Same for me." They eat, and the waitress says, "That'll be $7.44." Guy reaches into his pocket and pays her with exact change. The Waitress says, "Excuse me for asking, how do you always have the exact amount of your bill in your pocket?" Well, the guy says, some time ago, I was cleaning out my attic and found an old metal lamp. I rubbed it and out popped a Genie. "I'll grant you two wishes", he said. So, I said, "I'd always want to have enough money for whatever I wanted to buy, and a tall chick that agrees with everything I say." === Submitted by Robin in San Carlos A couple of airplane mechanics, drinking buddies, are in the hanger at Newark, where the runway is fogged in and they have nothing to do. John says, "Man, have you got anything to drink?" "Nah," says Bill "but I hear that you can drink jet fuel, that it will give you a real buzz." So they proceed to drink jet fuel, get smashed, and have a beautiful time as only drinkin' buddies can. Next morning, John expects his head to explode when he gets up, but is pleasantly surprised that he has no hangover at all. The phone rings with Bill asking how he feels. "I feel great!" says John. "No hangover!" "Me neither," says Bill. "That jet fuel is great stuff and no hangover," says John. "We ought to do this more often." Yeah," says Bill, "But there is one thing. Did you fart yet?" "No, why?" "Because I'm in Phoenix." === Submitted by ChiliJohn in Woodland A red-head goes into the doctor obviously in pain. "What's the problem, young lady?" says the doctor. "I hurt everywhere, it's terrible," says the red-head. "Make it stop! Make it stop!" The doctor asks for her to tell him just where it hurts. She touches her knee and screams, she touches her arm and screams, she touches her ear and screams. The doctor looks at the woman and asks, "You're not really a red-head, are you?" She replies, "no, doctor I'm a natural blonde." The doctor then says, "You've got a broken finger." === Submitted by William in Santa Rosa A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan." === Submitted by Adam in Santa Cruz There are two best friends named Bernie and Fred. One day Bernie says to Fred, "Fred, I know everyone, and everyone knows me." Fred replies, "yeah, sure, Bernie, I bet you 100 bucks you don't know the governor of California." So, Fred and Bernie go to Sacramento, and the governor greets them with open arms. Well, Fred still doesn't believe Bernie and says, "Bernie, I bet you 500 dollars you don't know the president of the United States." So, they go to Washington DC, and they're invited to dinner. Well, Fred still doesn't believe Bernie and says, "All right, Bernie, I bet you 1,000 dollars you don't know the Pope." So, they go to the Vatican. As the pope is standing up on the pedestal, Bernie says to Fred, "Okay, Fred, you wait here and watch me go up to the pope and watch how the guards let me walk right up and watch how the pope greets me." So, Fred watches, and just as Bernie is about to tap the pope on the shoulder he looks down to Fred to make sure Fred is watching. Just then, he sees Fred collapse to the ground. He rushes down to his friend's aid. "Fred, Fred, what happened?" asked Bernie. "Well, just as you were about to tap the pope on the shoulder, somebody tapped me on the shoulder, I turned around and they asked me, 'Hey! Who's that guy up there with Bernie?'" === Submitted by Steve in Saratoga An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blond opened his lunch and said,"Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch." === One of Brian's favorite jokes A man walks into a pharmacist and asks for a bottle of arsenic. The pharmacist says "I can't give you a bottle of arsenic." The man says, "OK then, give me a half a bottle of arsenic." The pharmacist says "I can't give you a half bottle of arsenic and even if I could, what do you need it for?" The man says "I want to kill my wife." The pharmacist responds "knowing that there is no way I can give it to you." Just then the man pulls out a picture of his wife and hands it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looks at the picture and says "Oh, I didn't know that you had a prescription." === Submitted by Jane in Marin Q: What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? A: About 45 pounds Q:What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend? A: About 45 minutes === Submitted by Pat One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. As they were cuddling later, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So he asked her, "What's the matter, baby?" Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the best guy I've ever met, but every time we make love you give me splinters." This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto. When Pinocchio arrived, Gepetto could tell something was bothering Pinocchio, and asked him what was the matter. Pinocchio revealed his dilemma to Gepetto. Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out Pinocchio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way. Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio's problems. A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio. When he saw Pinocchio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, "So, Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?" To which Pinocchio replied, "Girls? Who needs girls?" === Submitted by Debbie and Jack 25 Rules Guys Wish Women Knew 1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. 2. Learn to work the toilet seat, if it's up, put it down. 3. Don't cut your hair. 4. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it. 5. Get rid of your cat. 6. Sunday = Sports 7. Anything you wear is fine. Really! 8. Women wearing wonder bras and low cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at. 9. You have too many shoes. 10. Crying is blackmail. 11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work. 12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar. 13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes. 14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers. 15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor. 16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived. 17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. 18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like the soap opera guys. 19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one. 20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are? 21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out. 22. You can ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done.Not both. 23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we. 24. You have enough clothes. 25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex. === Submitted by John Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to piss." The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement." The 90 year old man says, "At seven I piss like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow." "So what's your problem?" ask the others. "I don't wake up until nine!" === Submitted by Brian In the town square a nasty crowd had gathered, intending to stone to death a prostitute. From the crowd, Jesus strides forward, holds up his arms and yells "Let ye without sin cast the first stone!" The crowd is contrite, for none amongst them can honestly say they are without sin. Then a little old woman comes hobbling up, picks up a good size rock and beans the prostitute right between the eyes. Jesus just stands there with his hands on his hips and says, "Sometimes, Mother, you really piss me off!" === Ronn's mom favorite joke Morty Rosenthal is a new member of the Golden Goose retirement community, and is passing the morning sunning himself on a bench near the garden. Rebecca, out for her morning constitutional, sees Morty, and says "Do you mind?" "Not at all" Morty says. So Rebecca sits down on the opposite end of his bench. "So, you're new here?" Rebecca asks. "Yes" Morty affirms. "So, you are from where?" Rebecca inquires. "Washington" Morty answers. "The capitol or the state?" asks Rebecca. "The state" replies Morty. "So how old are you?" Rebecca asks. "I'll be 70 in October." Morty replies. Not yet satisfied with the answers, Rebecca presses on with "What did you do in Washington?" "I was in prison" Morty retorts. "Really?" says Rebecca. "What were you in prison for?" "My wife of twenty years was always asking stupid questions, so I chopped her up and put her down the garbage disposal." he says. "Sooooo," purrs Rebecca, "you're single?" === John in Walnut Creek A long time welfare recipient walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job." The man behind the counter replies, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his gorgeous 25 year old nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year." The young man says, "You're bullshitting me!" The man behind the counter says, "Yeah, well, you started it." ********************************************* Jokes heard on 4-25-03 Submitted by Cathy in San Bruno A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts." She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start." This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts. "That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat arse down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long ......" The husband sighed. "It's started!" *** Submitted by Clint The REAL story! After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking; the smells, the sights -- everything is wonderful. But I have just this one problem. It is these three breasts that you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve. Eve went on to tell God that many other parts of her body (such as her limbs, eyes, and ears) came in pairs, and she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it. "That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast, and tossed it into the bushes. Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation now?" "Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her Bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone." God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate, and I will immediately create a man from a part of you...Now let's see...Where did I put that useless boob?" Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than that business about the rib? *** Submitted by John CIA TEST: A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before anyone can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks and testing, the CIA narrowed the possible choices down to three men. The day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the applicant men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man had a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!" "Well," said one CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then!" So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door suddenly opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife! I guess I'm not the right man for the job..." "No," the CIA man replied, "you don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home!" Now one man was left to test. Again they lead him to the same door leading to the same room and handed him the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The third man took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard several gun shots, one shot after another for a total of 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. The CIA men heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat her to death with the chair!" *** Submitted by Mary in Concord Little Tommy (who is Jewish) was doing very badly in math. His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while his mother tried to understand what made the difference. Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math! She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, WHAT was it?? Was it the nuns??" Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms?? WHAT was it??" Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around." *** Submitted by Diane in Vacaville A high school English teacher reminds her class of their final exam the next day, "Remember, I won't tolerate ANY excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it; no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. Silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand." *** Submitted by Rocky in Fremont Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman." The priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?" "Yes, father, it is I." "Who was the woman you were with?" "I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation." The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "No, father." "Was it Fiona MacDonald?" "No, father." "Was it Ann Brown?" "No, father, I cannot tell you." The priest says. "I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys." Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks what happened. Tommy replies: "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads." *** Submitted by Kasey Moral of the Story I was happy. My girlfriend and had been dating for over a year, and had decided it was time to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me..... my mother-in-law to be. She was a career woman, smart, beautiful and sexy. She flirted with me occasionally, which made me feel uncomfortable. One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once. What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me." I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, "We are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car. *** Submitted by Sam in Burlingame Dear Abby: I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite. My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in the Bronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel. Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and hopefully, the heroin habits. All thing considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French? Signed, Worried About My Reputation *** Submitted by Mike in Petaluma This married man goes to the confessional and says to his priest, "I had an affair with a woman........almost......" The priest says, "What do you mean, almost? " The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped." The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. Now say 5 Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box." The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave..... The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box" The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in!" *** Submitted by Dave in Fremont A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society. "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society." After the curator left, a young man in a West Virginia T-shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?" "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple. "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied... "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three West Virginia coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch." *** Submitted by Brian in Pittsburg A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only say one thing. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' and keep repeating it all the time." "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution. I have two male talking parrots that I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two over and we'll put them in the cage together and Frank and Jacob will teach themto pray and worship." "Thank you," the woman responded, "this may well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw two male parrots holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her two parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!" *** Submitted by Corkie in Elk Grove An Irish Toast John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come." *** Submitted by Jim I was traveling between New York and Boston the other day when I got a flat tire. Checking my spare, I found that too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town. The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window "Need a lift?". "Yes, I sure do," I replied. "You a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man. "Republican," I replied. "Well, you can just go to hell," yelled the old man as he sped off. Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question. Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave me the finger and drove off. I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy. Since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans. The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blond. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Democrat or Republican. "Democrat!" I shouted. "Hop in," replied the blond. Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs. Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car." She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped I jumped out. "What's the matter?" she asked. "I can't take it anymore." I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody." *** Submitted by Margaret Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color-coded." The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order." The fourth surgeon chimes in: You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would." But the fifth surgeon shuts them all up when he observes: "The French are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable. *** Submitted by Carlos in Mountain View My wife rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her. "Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad." *** Submitted by Jerry A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one. "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee." "I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third. "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!" "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another. "I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another. "I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement. "Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully "and thank God we can all still drive." *** Submitted by Lily in Santa Rosa Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a senior citizen's residence. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and she accepted. They had a lovely evening. Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the feathers. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts. Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle." Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have taken off my pantyhose." *** Submitted by Steve in Union City Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," the devil says. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves." Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil led him into the first room. In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell. "No," bin Laden said, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." So the devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledgehammer and a huge pile of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I'd be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day," bin Laden commented. So the devil opened a third door. In it, bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was his girl Monica, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden stared in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go." *** Submitted by Dave in Dallas A man walks into a pharmacist and asks for a bottle of arsenic. The pharmacist says "I can't give you a bottle of arsenic." The man says "OK then, give me a half a bottle of arsenic." The pharmacist says "I can't give you a half bottle of arsenic and even if I could, what do you need it for?" The man says "I want to kill my wife." The pharmacist responds "knowing that there is no way I can give it to you." Just then the man pulls out a picture of his wife and hands it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looks at the picture and says "Oh, I didn't know that you had a prescription." *** Jokes heard on 2-14-03 Submitted by Diane in Vacaville Valentines Rhymes These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but ... the least romantic second line: Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss But I only slept with you, because I was pissed. I thought that I could love no other Until, that is, I met your brother. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head. Of loving beauty you float with grace If only you could hide your face Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not I want to feel your sweet embrace But don't take that paper bag off of your face I love your smile, your face, and your eyes- Damn, I'm good at telling lies! My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you screwed up my life I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe "go to hell" What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime. === Submitted by Kent in Hollister Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first person he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" The man answers, "241." "That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification Theory and other mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!" Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, What is your IQ?" The lady answers, "144." "That is great!" says Albert. "We can discuss politics, religion, and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!" Albert goes to another man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man answers, "51." Albert says, "How 'bout dem Raiders?" === Submitted by Mike in Olympia, WA Two tourist groups, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend in Vegas. The brunettes ride in the bottom of the bus and the blondes ride on the top level. The brunettes down below are whooping it up and having a great time when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. The brunette says, "What is going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!" One of the blondes says, "Sure you are. But you've got a driver!" === Submitted by Mike K. A man went into a popular Chinese restaurant and was asked to wait at the bar until a table was available. The bartender asked "What would you like?" The man answered, "I'd like a Stoli with a twist." The bartender paused for a moment, then said, "Once upon a time, there were three little pigs....." === Submitted by Evelyn W. Out of the mouths of babes ... A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?" Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my boyfriend." Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door. When he opened the door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is your grandma home?" The little boy replied, "Yes, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend." === Submitted by Chris in Cupertino Here's a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an organization. Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it. However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes." "After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil." "This represents a Drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. " "If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift." As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was rather impressed. The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around. I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?" "Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?" I asked. "See," he continued, "by tying this string to the head of you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent." "Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how do you put it back in?" "Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon." === Submitted by Mike in Petaluma Ronn, did you hear that they are tearing down all the Wall Marts and K-Marts in Iraq? Yep, its true! They're putting up TARGETS! === Submitted by Bill in SF Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him." === Submitted by Brian in Pittsburg A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed he buys a pack, and when he gets home he tells his wife about his purchase. "What makes them so special?", she asks. "There are three colors," he says. "Gold, Silver and Bronze. "What color are you going to wear tonight," she asks. "Gold of course," the man answers proudly. The wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver ... it would be nice if you came second for a change." === Submitted by Leslie in Danville A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to begin tracking down high-powered offenders, like the Enron or WorldCom guys. Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books and the taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi. "Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes," answered the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he asked. "A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now and then, they send us a free box of candles." "Oh," replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical answer. So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?" "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls." "Oh," replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?" "Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send them to the IRS." "The IRS?," questioned the auditor in disbelief. "Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the IRS....and about once a year, they send us a little prick like you." === Submitted by Geri in Austin, TX Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each day, they noticed the boss left work early. One day the girls decided, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early? The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early. The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date. The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband fooling around with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house. The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!" === Submitted by Corkie A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, Cruise Special -- $99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please." The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating. A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Somehow drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?" The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year...." === Submitted by Kay in Sacramento Numerous doctors attend a funeral for a cardiologist. Behind the cardiologist's casket is a large, beautiful heart. At the conclusion of the service, the casket swings around and moves into the heart, and the heart closes, enclosing the cardiologist's remains in its beauty forever. At the back of the room, a man starts laughing. Asked about this later, the man says "No offense, I was just watching this and thinking about my own funeral someday. I'm a gynecologist." Nearby, the proctologist fainted. === Submitted by Fran K. A Jewish lady is sitting at home when the phone rings. "Hello," she says. "Hello," says the male voice at the other end, "I bet you'd really like it if I came round, ripped off your blouse and bra and pants, then threw you to the floor and made hot, sweaty love to you ..." The Jewish lady replies, "From 'hello', you can tell all this......?" === Submitted by Dee in Citrus Heights Two blondes are in heaven... One blonde says to another, "How did you die?" "I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?" "It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping." "How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde. "I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died." The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity! If you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive." === Submitted by Mark in Fremont As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says... "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!" === Submitted by Mel in Mill Valley Two Priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it He turns to the other Priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis." The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to 2 butts a day" === Submitted by Rocky in Rocklin A new year of school just begun. And the 4th grade teacher thought it would be a good idea to get acquainted with her class. She asked each child to tell their name and what their father's job was. The first child answered, " My name is Bobby and my dad is a postman." The second child answered, "MY name is Mary and my dad is a mechanic." The third child answered by saying, "My name is Johnny and my dad strips in a gay bar." Very embarrassed and alarmed by his answer the teacher immediately changed the subject. During recess the teacher approached Johnny and questioned if his father really worked as a stripper in a gay bar. Johnny answered "No, I was too embarrassed to admit it but, my dad is the defensive coordinator for the Oakland Raiders." === Submitted by Bob in Half Moon Bay Yassir Arafat is in his office, alone, when his bodyguards hear a loud explosion inside his office. Rushing in, they see him on the floor, face bloodied. They ask, "What happened, Mr. Chairman?" "A letter bomb," exclaimed the injured Arafat. "But a letter bomb would have wounded your hands, not your mouth," replied one of his experienced men. "I was sealing it," said Arafat. === Submitted by Barbara in Berkeley Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the Condo clubhouse when Leo Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws and Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Goldberg says, "I'll go tell him." === Submitted by Ray in San Jose How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? His hand caught on fire. === Submitted by Obie in Atherton A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night." The son then asks his father, "What's the 6 pack for?" The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning." Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for. The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March......" === Submitted by Ronald When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some training on a Navajo Indian reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message, they asked the son to translate it. He refused. So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's message to the moon. Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these assholes; they have come to steal your land." ========= Submitted by Dale in Santa Rosa A man approaches a beautiful woman in a grocery store and he says, "I've lost my wife. Do you mind talking to me for a few minutes?" The woman looks puzzled. She asks, "Why talk to me?" The guy says, "Because every time I talk to a woman with big boobs my wife shows up out of nowhere." ------------------------------------------------- Jokes heard on 11-1-02 Submitted by Frances in Alameda GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas. Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade especially for someone with cash. Between 31 and 40 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty. Between 41 and 50 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and a desirable place to visit. Between 51 and 60 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war -- haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary. Between 61 and 70, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away. Between 71 and 75, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future. After 75, they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there. THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN Between 12 and 92, a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick. --- Submitted by Artee Ariel Sharon, the Israeli Prime Minister comes to Washington for meetings with President Bush. For the State Dinner, Laura Bush decides to bring in a special Kosher Chef and have a truly Jewish meal. At the dinner that night, the first course is served and it is matzoh ball Soup. President Bush looks at this and after learning what it is called he tells an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew. The aide says that Mr. Sharon will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it. Not wanting to cause any trouble, after all he ate sheep's eye in honor of his Arab guests, the President gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and retrieves a piece of matzoh ball and some broth. He hesitates, then swallows and a grin appears on his face. He digs right in and finishes the whole bowl. "That was delicious," he says to Sharon. "Do the Jews eat any other part of the matzoh or just the balls?" ---- Submitted by Mark Little Billy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one, an old man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat." Little Billy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old." "Oh?" replied the old man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?" "No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own damn business!!" --- Submitted by Bob A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a five-iron in his hands, staring at the lifeless body of a woman on the ground. The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?" "Yes." "Did you hit her with that golf club?" "Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club, and puts his hands on his head. "How many times did you hit her?" "I don't know," said the man, "five, six. Put me down for a five." --- Submitted by Nick A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?" And the shopkeeper gets down one his knees, (so that he's on the same level with her), and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and fuwwy bwack wabbit?" She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says, "I don't fink my pyfon weally cares." --- Submitted by Scott in Concord A man is talking to God. He says, "God, why did you make women so beautiful?" God Says, " So you would like them." Then the man says, " Well then why did you make women with such wonderful bodies?" God says, "So you would like them." At last the man says, " So then why did you make women so stupid?" God says, "So they'd like you. --- Submitted by Bob in Marin Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese." The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the first mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day." The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this b.s. Gotta go home and boink the cat." ---------- Submitted by Jack The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner exclaims, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!" The clerk says, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!" ------------- Submitted by Robin in San Carlos The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in Washington, DC this Christmas. This isn't for any religious constitutional reason. They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable. --- Submitted by Charles in San Jose There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out. Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady asked what she meant. "Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!" --- Submitted by Alan in Stockton Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish Samurai. "Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two! "What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you do." The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered. "That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number three Samurai?" Number Three Samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and Swoooooosh! flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room. But the fly was still buzzing around! In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly isn't even dead." "Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. Circumcision... THAT takes skill!" ------------- Submitted by Roseville Phil Q: Why did the buffalo give up his cell phone? A: The roaming charges were killin' him! -------------- Submitted by Robin in Fairfield A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his belt buckle. The bartender looks at the pirate and says, "Hey, do you know you have a steering wheel on your pants?" The pirate replies, "Arg, it's drivin' me nuts." ------------- Submitted by Jeanna in Concord Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," Melissa says, "And once that gets him out in the open, Our troops could blow the crap out of him." ------------- Submitted by Gerry Ott On a visit to his doctor, an elderly gentlemen asks for a prescription of Viagra. Doctor says, "No problem. How many do you want?" Old man answers, "Just a few, but cut them into quarters." Doctor says, "Well that won't do you any good!" Old guy says, "That's all right. I'm over 90 years old, so I don't need them for sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes." --------- Submitted by Anita This is so typical of a child. Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots? He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet. He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, Why didn't you say so? like she wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..." Her trial starts next week. ---------- From Larry "Bubbles" Brown A couple are driving down the road. The wife says to her husband, "I wish they'd name a freeway after you." The husbands asks, "Why, do you think I'm *that* important?" "No," she replies. "It would mean that you'd have been dead 5 years." ----------- Submitted by Mike Orkin It is teeming rain and the rising river begins to threaten all manner of private homes, including that of the local Rabbi. With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous." The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident He will deliver me." Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the Rabbi has been forced up to the second floor of his house. A second police rowboat comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting dangerous." The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident He will deliver me." The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced up onto the roof of his house. A helicopter flies over, and the officer shouts down, "Rabbi, grab the rope and we'll pull you up! You're in terrible danger!" The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the Almighty, and I am confident He will deliver me." The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off the roof, carried away in the current and drowns. He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gates he is admitted, and comes before the Divine Presence. The Rabbi asks, "Dear Lord, I don't understand. I've been a righteous, observant person my whole life, and depended on You to save me in my hour of need. Where were You?" And the Lord answers, "Schmuck, I sent two boats and a helicopter. What more do you want?" --- Submitted by Joanne Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh ... she got fired too." ---- Submitted by Joe in Redwood City Two five-year-old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!" "I've been circumcised." ”What's that mean?" "It means they cut the skin off the end." "How old were you when it was cut off?" "My Mom said I was two days old." "Did it hurt?" "You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!" ------------- Submitted by Gerry Ott A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250" Man - "Fine." A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" Boy - "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that ... that is way more than those two things a worth. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that crap again." The winner of the $500 prize for best joke heard on the R&B Joke Hour on August 9th was submitted by Rick Maier: A bartender on a slow day looks up and sees President Bush and Collin Powell arriving and taking seats at the end of the bar. He is surprised to see them and asks them what they are doing in a bar. Powell answers, "We need time to discuss what the next actions will be in Iraq." The bartender asks, "What are some of your ideas for Iraq?" Bush answers, "Well we have one idea ... but it won't be pretty. We will strategically drop a nuke in Iraq ... but it will kill a half a million Iraqis ... and one blonde with big boobs." The bartender screams out, "Oh My God! A blonde with big boobs?! Why??" Powell looks at Bush and says "See? I told ya no one would care about the half million Iraqis." ---------- Submitted by Marjorie in Santa Rosa: A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume filled the room. What are you doing?" she asked. "I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered. "But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed. "This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained. "Love dress? But you're naked!" My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me. The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively. "What are you doing?" he asked. "This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually. "Needs ironing," he said. ---------- Submitted by Ron in Pleasant Hill: A young Jewish kid comes home excited from the casting call at the local theater. "Momma, Momma," he says. "I got a part in the play. I'm gonna play the husband!" "So," she says. "you couldn't get a speaking part?" ---------- Submitted by Anita: I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner... ---------- From comedian Chris Alpine: What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion? Most of the time you get an onion with really long ears, but every once in a while you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes. ---------- Submitted by Lynn in Contra Costa: SECRETS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE 1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans. 2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money. 3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex. 4. It is important that these three women never meet. ---------- Submitted by Ward and Barbara: When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in your butt?" ---------- Submitted by Mavis: So a guy walks into a bar with a goose under his arm and says to the bartender: "Give me a beer. And hurry your butt up about it -- I don't have all day." The bartender cocks an eyebrow. She pours him a mug of beer and slides it across the bar to him. "That's quite a pig you've got there," she says. "Will you give me a damn break," the man tells her. He takes a huge slurp of beer and burps. "This isn't a pig -- it's a goose." "I'm talking to the goose," says the bartender. ---------- Submitted by Phil: Three Italian mothers were attending a football game. Each had a son playing on the same team. At the start of the game, the first boy saw his opportunity, grabbed the ball and running quickly, out-foxed the opposing team, making the first touchdown. His mother, obviously proud of her son, sprang from the bleachers, shouting in her broken Italian accent, "Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna da Pet milk. Ain't he-a fine?" Soon, the second boy received the ball and in a spectacular run down the field, made another goal for the team. Not wanting to be outdone by the first boy's mother, the second boy's mother jumped from her seat, exclaiming, "Thatsa *my* boy!! I raised him onna da breast milk. Ain't he-a wonderful?" The third boy, hadn't done so well, but finally someone threw him the ball. He fumbled it, then recovered ... running in the wrong direction, fell with the ball, ran some more, stumbled again, dropped it once more, recovered it and finally crossed the goal line on the wrong end of the field. The third Italian mother couldn't stand it any longer. Rising from her place in the stands, she shouted, "Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna Milk of Magnesia. Ain't he-a the shits?" ---------- Submitted by Suzanne: A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub." ---------- Submitted by Doug in San Francisco: While on a business trip to Rome the CEO of Tyson Foods manages to be granted an audience with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers to the Holy Father, "Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Tyson Foods is prepared to donate $100 million dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'." The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed as stated in the Scriptures." "Well," says the Tyson man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we require is that you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'." Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. As I have said, this prayer represents the immutable word of God and it cannot be changed under any circumstance no matter how good it may appear." Finally, the Tyson guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Tyson Foods respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million dollars -- that's half a billion dollars -- to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'. Please consider it." And so he leaves. The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church has come into $500 million dollars." "And the bad news, your eminence?" asks a Cardinal. The Pope replies, "We're losing the Wonder Bread account." ---------- Submitted byMary Jane in Pleasant Hill (as heard on the Dr. Dean Edell Show): Maude and Claude, who were up in years, met one another at a retirement community. They found they had similar interests and enjoyed spending time together. One day Claude asked Maude if she'd like to go out to dinner with him sometime. She said she would, so they set a date. They had a wonderful time and afterwards Claude invited Maude to his apartment for after-dinner coffee. She told him she would enjoy that. As they finished their coffee, Claude moved closer and asked if she would like to go to bed with him. Maude thought for a moment and told him that was a good idea. So, they went to bed and there was a fair amount of action. When they were finished, Claude thought to himself : "I wish I had known she was a virgin. I would have been more gentle." Maude thought to herself: "I wish I had known he could do it -- I would have taken off my pantyhose." ---------- Submitted by Mary in Pleasant Hill A husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife hen peck you. Go home and show her you're the boss." The husband took the doctor's advice. He rushed home, slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on, you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight I'm going out with the boys and you are going to stay at home where you belong. And another thing, guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?" His wife said calmly, "The undertaker." ---------- Submitted by Teri: This morning, as I lie on my bed thinking about you, I have this strong urge to grab you ... because I just can't forget about last night. Late in the balmy night, unexpectedly, you came to me in my bed and what happened there still leaves a tingling sensation in me. You appeared out of nowhere and shamelessly, without reservation, you laid on my naked body without guilt or humiliation. You drove me crazy with your taunting and sucking. Only after you were finally satisfied did I fall asleep, but today, when I woke up, you were gone. I've searched for you everywhere, to no avail. My sheets still bear witness to last night's events, as does my body, which still shows your mark, making it that much harder to forget you. Tonight I promise to remain awake and wait for you and as soon as you appear, I will grab you and never let you go. This time you won't disappear. And, I won't rest until I squeeze the life out of you and destroy you once and for all, you damned mosquito! ---------- Submitted by LL: A plumber received a call from a lady whose sink had a bad leak. The plumber said he could come right over. The lady said that would be great but she had to go out. She agreed to leave her key under the door mat by the kitchen, she also mentioned that she had a large pit bull dog and a parrot in the kitchen. The dog would be no problem she said, but what ever you do, don't talk to the parrot. When the plumber arrived all was as the lady said ... key under mat, pit bull sleeping and a parrot squawking in its cage. The plumber started to repair the leak all the while the parrot was making all kinds of noises and swearing at the plumber. The poor plumber could take it no longer and yelled at the parrot to shut up! The parrot was quite for a moment ... and than said, "Sic him, Max!" ---------- Submitted by Teri: A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a walk she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden and expose myself and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." Well, the woman was so impressed she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, How did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?" "No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous." ---------- Submitted by Melvin and Mae: What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger. The other is just a fish. ---------- Submitted by William in Petaluma: A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him. "Hmm ...," he wonders, "how am I gonna get more dough?" Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Buster how to talk!" "That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that program?" "Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the course." So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again. "So how's Buster doing, son?" his father asks. "Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results with this program, that they've implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!" "READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?" "Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." ...And his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Buster? I just can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!" "Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Buster was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who lives over on Oak Street?' " The father says, "Oh, NO! I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch!" "I sure did, Dad!" "That's my boy!" ---------- From Father Guido Sarducci (as told by Bill Newsome): When you die and go to heaven, you're given a bankroll of $250,000. But before you can enter the pearly gates, you have to pay off your sins. Take murder, for example. You lose all. Armed robbery costs you $25,000. Or suppose you went out and stole a car. That's ten thousand bucks. Masturbation costs a quarter. Why only a quarter? Well, it adds up! ---------- From Dan and Jean: Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after the last child is born her husband dies. A few weeks later she remarries and over the years has another 22 children with her second husband. After the last child is born her second husband also dies. Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she becomes very ill and dies. At her wake the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally together." A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?" The priest says, "I mean her legs." ---------- From Michele in Brookvale: Guy has stuffed his pant pockets with golf balls he found searching the rough at the golf course across town. He catches a bus for the trip home. The bus is very crowded and he has to stand. Guy notices a young woman staring at his bulging pockets. He whispers to her "golf balls." She continues to stare and then asks, "Is that as painful as tennis elbow?" ---------- From Jeanna: It's the first day of school in Houston and the teacher figures she'll get to know the kids by asking them their names and what their fathers do for a living. The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman." The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic." Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease dancer in a cabaret for gay men." The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it's really true that his Dad dances nude in a gay bar. He blushes and says, "I'm sorry but my dad is really an auditor for Arthur Andersen and I was just too embarrassed to say so." ---------- >From Ann: Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7." Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers." ---------- From Bob in Soquel: Q: What do Kmart stores and Catholic priests have in common? A: Both have boys underwear half off. ---------- From Bill: While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class so many years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school. "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked. He answered, "In 1960." "Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed. He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach? ---------- From Janis in Mill Valley: When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea. Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big s*** he always was." ---------- From Mike in Olympia, WA A man asked his wife, "If you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?" "I'd love to be six again," she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Off to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M & M's. What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being six again?" With one eye barely opened she said, "I meant my dress size, you asshole." ---------- From John in Dublin: I left Montreal heading toward Quebec City, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall: "Hi, how are you doing?" Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed: "Not bad." And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?" Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said: "Well, just like you I'm driving east." Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back, there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you." ---------- From JD: An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made is way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was the elderly Irishman in Heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife .... "Back off," she said, "they're for the funeral." ---------- From Phil: A truck driver hauling a tractor trailer filled with computer, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door reading, "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter at Your Own Risk." He enters the bar and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs him, says that he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver says that he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartenders says okay, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and now they are in season. "You don't even need a license," he said. So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let them steal his whole load. Remembering what had happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop. The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season." "Well, sure," says the patrolman, "but you can't bait 'em." ---------- From Nancy: A couple, both 78 years old, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man asks, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50.00. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, " Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90, the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43." The best joke of February 2002, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland Submitted by Mike in Arizona In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. She reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body, I don't even know who you are !" The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends." ---------- The best joke of January 2002, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland Christina in Sunnyvale A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he is sending a friend over to look at a horse. The buddy says, "How will I recognize him?" "That's easy, he's a dwarf with a speech impediment." So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"? So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"? So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears. "Nith earzth. can I see her mouf" The rancher is getting pretty upset by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth. "Nice mouf, can I see her twat"? Totally upset at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and jams the dwarf's head as far as he can up the horse's you-know-what, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The dwarf gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?" ---------- The best joke of December 2001, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland Submitted by Mike in Arizona Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands and knees. ---------- The best joke of November 2001, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland Submitted by Jim: Her Side of the Story: He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. The conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to confront him but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else. His Side of the Story: The 49er's lost. Got laid though. ---------- The best joke of October 2001, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland Bill Tacherra of Bolinas. A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not in bed. She put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye and take a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down here at this time of night?" she asked. "Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and we were so young?" he asked. "Yes, I do," she replied. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember." "Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter or spend the next twenty years in jail?" "Yes, I do," she said. He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know...I would have gotten out today."