Jokes heard on theR&B Joke Hour, March 19, 2004
Submitted by Sherry in Newark:
There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almostall
the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.The
doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget
dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table and
started examining him. He put one finger under his left testicle andtold
the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a
hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right
testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctoragain
and reached for his surgical scissors.
Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on theleft side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted withamazement that the snipping did not hurt.
The doctor then told him to walk around the examining room to see if his
testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discoveredhis testicles were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does thatfeel now?"
The midget said, "Perfect, Doc, and I didn't even feel it! What did youdo?"
The doctor replied ...
"I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
Submitted by Morris in Sacramento:
Three engineers were having a theological discussion concerning themind of God when He created man.
The first said, "God is an electrical engineer. Look at the neuralpathways that send electrical impulses throughout the body."
The second one said, "No, God is a mechanical engineer - look at theintricacies of the hand and the opposable thumb."
The third one said, "God is most definitely a civil engineer. Whoelse would put a waste disposal line right through the middle of arecreation area."
Submited by Liz:
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.He asks, "What for?"
She says, "I want to kill my husband."
He says, "Sorry, I can't do that."
She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husbandin bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.
He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Submitted by Peggy:
A man and woman were sitting beside each other in the first class
section of the plane. Suddenly, the woman sneezed, took out a tissue,gently
wiped her nose, and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman
sneezed again, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and shudderedquite violently; as before.
The man was becoming curious and concerned about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Againshe took a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and shuddered violently.
The man couldn't restrain his curiosity.
He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times and this
has resulted in noticeable shuddering spasms. Are you all right?"
"I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare
condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man was a little embarrassed, but even more curious and said, "I've
never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."
Submitted by Sue:
There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone," so namedbecause he had only one testicle.
He hated that name and asked everyone to not to call him Onestone!
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one daya young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning,Onestone..."
He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where hemade love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all thenext day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant serious business.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a womannamed Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for manyyears. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when shesaw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone..."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made loveto her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all thenext day, made love to her all the next night...but, Yellow Birdwouldn't die!!!
What is the moral of this story???
Come on..........take a guess!
Think about it................
Here it comes............................
And the moral is.......................
You can't kill two birds with one stone!
Submitted by Liz:
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after thewedding,
he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and Idon't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table
unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,fishing,
boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't yougive
me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or
Submitted by Ken in Novato:
Here's a dilemma for you....
With all your honor and dignity what would you do? The test only has
one question, but it's a very important one.
Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving
an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally. The
test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you
will have to make a decision one way or the other.
Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.
Please consider each line -- this is important for the test to workaccurately.
You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact...
There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and
severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a
CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The
situation is nearly hopeless.
You're trying to shoot very impressive photos.
There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the
water. Nature is showing all its destructive power and is ripping
everything away with it.
Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying
not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud.
You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.
Suddenly you know who it is -- it's George W. Bush!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him
away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you cantake
the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W.
Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo
displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful men.
And here's the question (please give an honest answer) ....
Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic
black and white?
Submitted by Cindy:
Three old men are discussing their sex lives.
The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbedher
body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamedfor
5 minutes at the end."
The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbedher
body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and shescreamed for 15 minutes."
The old Jewish Man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I
rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), wemade love, and she screamed for 6 hours.
The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could youhave possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"
"I wiped my hands on the drapes."
Submitted by Peggy:
A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for
"Gorilla Removers" He calls the number, and the gorilla remover sayshe'll be over in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder,
a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go
up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When
the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testiclesand not
let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the
cage in the back of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks
the concerned and confused homeowner.
"If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the pit bull."
Submitted by Mike in Petaluma:
This couple have just met in a bar, really hit it off and gone back to
her place to have wild, passionate sex.
After they have finished he lies back with a smug look on his face, "Iguess that was just about the best sex you have ever had," he says.
"What makes you say that?" asks the woman.
"Well, every time we did it, I couldn't help notice how it made yourtoes curl," he explains.
"Oh," says the woman, "that was just because most men wait to take offmy pantyhose first."
Submitted by Sherry in Newark:
A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends.
"Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rushhome and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked ifit's not ready
When she got home, she discovered all she had in the cupboard was awilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food, and she didn't havetime to go to the supermarket. In a panic, she opened the can of catfood, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf --just as her husband walked through the door.
She greeted him warmly, then watched in horror as he sat down to hisdinner. To her surprise he seemed to be really enjoying it.
"Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in forty years ofmarriage! You can make this for me any old day."
Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made herhusband the same dish.
She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified."You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around the clubhouse one day when one of themsaid, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food everyweek would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing youmurdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the windowsill while
he was licking his butt."
Submitted by Ken in Novato:
Pentagon officials believe they have been unable to locate Bin Laden
because he has found a place to hide out where:
(1) It is easy to get in if you have the money;
(2) No one will recognize or remember you;
(3) No one will realize that you have disappeared;
(4) No one keeps any records of your comings and goings;
(5) You have no obligations or responsibilities.
Pentagon analysts are still puzzled, however, as to how Bin Laden found
out about the Texas Air National Guard in the first place.
Submitted by Stan in Belmont:
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almosteverything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls thatcould move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen anelevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in mylife, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat oldlady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed abutton. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a smallroom. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the smallcircular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then thenumbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls openedup again and a gorgeous 24-year old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly tohis son....
"Go get your mother."
Submitted by Tom and Tracey in San Rafael:
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that wasenough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went tohis doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy thatcould fix his problem, but it was expensive. A less costlyalternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, lightit, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and countto 10.
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in theworld, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next tomy ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. Heheld the can up to his ear and began to count:
At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, andresumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, Utah, Nebraska andWest Virginia.
Submitted by Cindy:
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, "Give me sixdouble vodkas."
The bartender says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."
"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."
The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the samedrinks.
When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer cameback, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"
On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another sixdouble vodkas.
The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?""Yeah, my sister..."
Submitted by Jeff in Benicia:
A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to adead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worsethan usual."
He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars,so he
rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold up?"
The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his
motorcade and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and sethimself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why wewent to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaida, orthat his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends; thepress called him on the lie
about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Niger, and now Campbell Brown is
threatening to sue him for a sexual innuendo he made at a recent press
conference. So we're taking up a collection for him."
The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?"
The officer replies, "About 14 gallons, but a lot of folks are still
Submitted by Donna in Monterey:
A brunette goes into a bar and sits down next to a blonde. They'rewatching the 10:00 news on TV.
During the news, they show a suicidal man on the roof of a tallbuilding, threatening to jump. The police are trying to talk him down.
The brunette says to the blonde: "I'll bet you $20 the guy jumps."
The blonde says, "You're on. I'll bet you $20 the guy doesn't jump."
So they continue watching and the guy jumps.
The blonde says, "Well, here's your $20. You won fair and square."
The brunette says, "I can't take your money. I already saw the 6:00news and knew that he jumped."
The blonde says, "I saw it at 6:00 also, but I didn't think he'd do itagain!!!!"
Submitted by Doug in Palo Alto:
Three guys are sitting at a bar.
Jesus walks in and hears them complaining about their various ailments.So, acting in his role as healer, he walks up to the fellow from Ohio,places his hand on his shoulder and says, "Bless you my son, yourcancer is cured."
The man jumps up and yells, "Oh thank you Lord!" and runs out of thebar.
Next Jesus approaches the man from Iowa, lays his hand on his shoulderand says, "Bless you my son, your brain tumor is cured."
"Oh thank you Lord!" he cries and runs out of the bar.
Then Jesus moves toward the man from California, who jumps off hisstool, backs away from Jesus, saying, "Hey man, don't come near me, I'mon Worker's Comp!"
Submitted by Bob in Lafayette:
A blonde police officer pulls over another blond for speeding.
She walks over to the car and asks the blonde driver for some I.D. Theblonde driver searches through her purse in vain.
Finally she asks, "What does it look like?"
The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your pictureon it." The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls outher compact, opens it, and hands it to the blond cop.
The blonde cop looks at the compact for a few seconds, rolls her eyes,hands it back to the blonde driver, and says, "If you had told me youwere a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could haveavoided this whole thing!"
Jokes heard on 11-21-03
Submitted by Brin in San Francisco
Q: How many Ray Taliaferros does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "If it WEREN'T for the Re-PUBLICANS, it WOULDN'T be DARK in the FIRST PLACE! Myyyy my my my my..."
Submitted by Ron in Milpitas
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
Submitted by Charles
The Cadbury's Candy and the Merck Drug companies have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.
They will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.
They're going to be called: "Predickamint."
Submitted by Jay in Fremont
A small wild animal park in Arkansas acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Bubba Jones, an Arkansas redneck who was a part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Bubba, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Bubba was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500.00?
The following day, Bubba announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second," Bubba said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third," Bubba said, "I want all the offspring to be raised in the South." Once again the administrator agreed.
And last of all Bubba stated "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."
Submitted by Laurie
A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mile per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?!"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver
turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?!"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."
Submitted by Stan in Belmont
One evening Mike went over his friend Terry's house to play cards with some friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed. He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, "Did you like what you saw?". Mike said yes I did. She said, "Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500." So Mike thought about his financial situation and said okay.
She said "Meet me here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then.". Mike said, "I'll see you then."
The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left.
Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today?" She said, thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact, yes.". Terry asked, "Did he leave $500?" She said as a matter of fact, he did. Terry said, "Good, because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."
Submitted by Phil
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing
discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife.
"I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
Submitted by Mick in San Francisco
First Christmas joke of the season!!!
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".
Bad Michael Jackson Jokes
Q: Why did Michael make a phone call to Boys 2 Men?
A: He thought it was a delivery service.
Q: When do you know it's bedtime in the Jackson household?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson get fired from his job as boy scout leader?
A: He was up to a pack a day.
Q: Why did Michael Jackson go to Kmart?
A: He heard boys pants were half off.
Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One's white, made of plastic, and dangerous around children and the other carries groceries.
Q: What's got 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A: A slumber party at Michael's ranch.
Submitted by Pat in Roseville
A woman, calling a local hospital, said, "Hello, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, or doing as expected, or is getting worse".
The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
She said, "Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I would like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302"
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! that's fantastic ... that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend."
"Not exactly, I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me anything!"
Submitted by John in Walnut Creek
Q: "How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis ... I mean ladder!"
Submitted by Barbara in Berkeley
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right then, I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Because I'm drunk."
Submitted by Marilyn
A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and lame. They start talking and she asks about his life. He talks about his wife and his 11 children.
"My, my," says the nun, "11 children, a good, proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you."
"I'm sorry Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic, I'm Jewish."
"Jewish!" she replies, "You sex maniac you."
Submitted by Allan in Kelseyville
Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."
Submitted by Dr. Mary
Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"
Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we make love!"
"If I moaned when we made love, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!"
So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets.
As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?"
"No, not yet."
Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now? Should I moan now?"
"No, I'll tell you when"
He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to make love to her.
"Is it time for me to moan, Morris?"
"Wait, I'll tell you when."
Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"
So Sadie goes, "OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!"
Submitted by John
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered
for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"
"Well," says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.
"I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.
"We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
Submitted by Jeff
Sharon Stone and some guy get washed up on desert island together after a ship wreck.
The guy has saved Sharon's life and she promises him love, sex and obedience to his every wish.
Six months later, Sharon is very very happy. Loads of sex, and he has built a little home away from home, for them. But the guy looks miserable.
A year passes. Loads of sex. He had built a swimming pool, a bar for drinks and everything. But is really unhappy.
"What's the matter, darling?" Sharon asks him. He says, "There's something I miss. I need you to do something special for me. I really need it. I'll explode if I don't get it." She looks him straight in the eye and says, "Anything, Anything, Anything you want, anytime." She is getting excited just thinking about what it could be.
He takes her to his home-made bar and tells her to lean against the bar. His breathing becomes heavy. She leans
against the bar.
He has made a false beard out of coconut hair. "Would you wear this for me?" he asks. "Certainly," she says. She puts on the beard and his breathing become husky.
"And," he says, "Can I call you Brian?"
Sharon looks puzzled but says, "Yes, all right if you have too.'
The guy gets really excited and goes over to her, and says, "Hey Brian, you'll never guess who I've been screwing."
Jokes heard on 9-5-03
Submitted by Jeff in Santa Clara
While walking down the street one day, a female head of state is
tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met
by St. Peter at the entrance.
"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems
there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you
see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the lady.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is
have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose
where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the head of
"I'm sorry but we have our rules."
And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down,
down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the
middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in
front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked
with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to
greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while
getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf
and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who
really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling
jokes. They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it
is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator
rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where
St. Peter is waiting for her.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven."
So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented
souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They
have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by
and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose
She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would
never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I
would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down
to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of
a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends
dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bag. The
Devil comes over to her and lays his arm around her neck.
"I don't understand," stammers the head of state. "Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and
danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable."
The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today, you voted for us!"
Submitted by ChiliJohn in Woodland
Couple was visiting the cemetery to put new flowers on the wife's
father's grave when they heard a heart-stopping cry of grief coming from
behind a tree. They were concerned and went to see if they could help.
They found a man prostrate across a grave crying "Why, Why, Why did you
have to Die, Why, Oh Why....." They tried to console him, but he
continued to cry and wail, "Why Did You Have to Die." The wife edged up
to the grief-stricken man and said in a soft voice, "Sir, we share your
pain, when did your wife pass on?" The man on the ground looked up and
said, "It's my wife's first husband!"
Submitted by Rakesh in Fremont
Two Irish Nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat. One nun says to the
other, "I heard that the occupants of this country eat dogs."
"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America we might
as well do as Americans do."
So both Nuns walk towards a hot dog vendor. "Two Dogs, please," says the
first Nun. The vendor is only too happy to oblige, and wraps 2 hot dogs
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs". The
first Nun opens hers and stares at it for a moment, leans over to the other
nun cautiously asks, "What part of the dog did you get?"
Submitted by Luise
Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired of God "Where have you been?"
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards
through the clouds. Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to
call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while
southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent
of white people and over there is a continent of black people."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be
extremely hot while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and
said, "What's that one?"
"Ah"' said God. "That's California, the most glorious place on earth.
There are beautiful beaches, deserts, streams, hills, and forests. The
people from California are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and
humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will
be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be
known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. "
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about
balance, God? You said there would be balance!!!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in Sacramento."
Submitted by Steve in Saratoga
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the
doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his
weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast
fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He
pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a
detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get
dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any
"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."
Submitted by Jacque in Monterey
Man and a woman had been dating and were about to consummate their
relationship. The woman is in bed watching the man undress.
As the man takes off his shirt, tattooed on his arm is the word “Nike”.
The woman asks “What is that?”
“Oh” says the man. I was working out at the gym and a guy comes up to me
and says I’ll pay you $5000 dollars to tattoo the name ‘Nike’ on your
arm. So I took it.”
The woman thinks this is a bit odd, but oh well, she likes him.
As the man takes off his pants, he has the word “Converse” tattooed on
The woman again asks about these odd tattoos.
“Well,” says the man. “A second guy came into the gym while I was working
out and saw the Nike tattoo and said he would give me $100,000 for each
leg, if I would tattoo ‘Converse’ on each leg.
Well the woman is getting leery, but hasn’t had sex in a while and
figures the lights will be out soon enough, so ignores this new revelation.
Finally, the man drops his shorts and the woman is aghast. Upon his penis
is the word “Aids” is tattooed.
“Whoa” yells the woman “I’m not sleeping with anyone with AIDS.”
The man states, “Give it a moment, it will say Adidas.”
Submitted by Peg
This little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink. He's
been sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making
truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one
The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on man, I was just giving you a
hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I
just can't stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my
life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I
overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me.
When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no
insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered I
had forgotten my wallet in it. At home I found my wife in bed with the
gardener. So I came to this bar and was thinking about putting an end to
my life, and you show up and drink the damn poison."
Submitted by Donald
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
Submitted by Deanna in Castro Valley
Dan Rather, Jesse Jackson, Cokie Roberts from National Public Radio and
a Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured
They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief. The
chief said, "I am familiar with your western
custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat
you, do you have any last requests?"
Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of
hot, spicy chili."
The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili.
Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."
Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of
is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want
to sing 'We Shall Overcome' one last time."
The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening."
Jackson sang the song, and then said,"Now I can die in peace."
Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my
tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen.
Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till
The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts
dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."
The chief said, "And, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?"
"Kick me in the ass." said the Marine.
"What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"
"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass." insisted the
So the chief untied the Marine, shoved him into the open, and kicked him
in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a
9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting
confusion, he leapt to his haversack, pulled out an M16, and sprayed the
cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were all dead or
fleeing for their lives.
As the Marine was untying the others, they each asked him, "Why didn't
you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass? "
"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you assholes call ME the aggressor?!?"
Submitted by William in Santa Rosa
Jesus went into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender said, "Sure, but
why don't you have it in the back room which is more private?" Jesus
said, "Okay." Later a man in a wheelchair came in and the bartender
told him about
Jesus. The man said, "Great! Please buy him a beer on me!", which the
did. Later a man on crutches came into the bar and the bartender told him
about Jesus and he said, "Fine! Please buy him drink on me!", which the
bartender did. Then a man with a cane came in and when he heard about Jesus
he also bought him a beer. Later when Jesus finished his beers he came out
and went up to the man in the wheelchair, thanked him for the beer and put
his hand on his head. "Hallelujah!" said the man. "I can walk!" and
wheelchair away. Jesus went up to the man on crutches and did the same
thing. "Hallelujah!" said the man. "I can walk!", and he threw away his
Jesus then went to the man with the cane who said, "Hey don't touch me. I'm
on worker's comp."
Submitted by Edward
Three Engineers and three MBAs are traveling by train to a conference.
At the station, the three MBAs each buy tickets and watch as the three
Engineers buy only a single ticket.
"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an MBA.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer.
They all board the train. The MBAs take their respective seats but all
three Engineers cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around
collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket,
The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in
hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.
The MBAs see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the
conference, the MBAs decide to copy the Engineers on the return trip and
save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get
to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their
astonishment, the Engineers don't buy a ticket at all.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed MBA.
"Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer.
When they board the train the three MBAs cram into a bathroom and the
three Engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.
Shortly afterward, one of the Engineers leaves his bathroom and walks
over to the bathroom where the MBAs are hiding. He knocks on the door
and says, "Ticket, please."
Submitted by Duane in Concord
This guy walks into a Diner with an ostrich. He orders # 3, burger,
fries and a coke. The ostrich says, "Same for me." They eat, and the
waitress says, "that'll be $6.11." He pays her the exact amount out of
Next day, same guy walks into the same Diner, with his ostrich. He
orders the same - # 3, The ostrich says, "Same for me." They eat,
finish, and the waitress says, "that'll be $6.11."
He pays her the exact amount from his pocket.
Next day, he comes into the Diner, with his ostrich. The waitress says,
"Have your regulars?" He says no, not today. Today, I would like fish
and chips and iced tea. Ostrich says: "Same for me." They eat, and the
waitress says, "That'll be $7.44." Guy reaches into his pocket and pays
her with exact change. The Waitress says, "Excuse me for asking, how do
you always have the exact amount of your bill in your pocket?" Well, the
guy says, some time ago, I was cleaning out my attic and found an old
metal lamp. I rubbed it and out popped a Genie. "I'll grant you two
said. So, I said, "I'd always want to have enough money for
whatever I wanted to buy, and a tall chick that agrees with everything I
Submitted by Robin in San Carlos
A couple of airplane mechanics, drinking buddies, are in the hanger at
Newark, where the runway is fogged in and they have nothing to do.
John says, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"
"Nah," says Bill "but I hear that you can drink jet fuel, that it will
give you a real buzz."
So they proceed to drink jet fuel, get smashed, and have a beautiful
time as only drinkin' buddies can.
Next morning, John expects his head to explode when he gets up, but is
pleasantly surprised that he has no hangover at all.
The phone rings with Bill asking how he feels. "I feel great!" says
John. "No hangover!" "Me neither," says Bill.
"That jet fuel is great stuff and no hangover," says John. "We ought to
do this more often."
Yeah," says Bill, "But there is one thing. Did you fart yet?"
"Because I'm in Phoenix."
Submitted by ChiliJohn in Woodland
A red-head goes into the doctor obviously in pain. "What's the problem,
young lady?" says the doctor. "I hurt everywhere, it's terrible," says
the red-head. "Make it stop! Make it stop!" The doctor asks for her to
tell him just where it hurts. She touches her knee and screams, she
touches her arm and screams, she touches her ear and screams. The doctor
looks at the woman and asks, "You're not really a red-head, are you?" She
replies, "no, doctor I'm a natural blonde." The doctor then says,
"You've got a broken finger."
Submitted by William in Santa Rosa
A man died and went to heaven.
As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates,
he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."
"Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she
never told a lie."
"Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"
St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved
twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."
"Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man.
"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
Submitted by Adam in Santa Cruz
There are two best friends named Bernie and Fred. One day Bernie says to
Fred, "Fred, I know everyone, and everyone knows me." Fred replies,
"yeah, sure, Bernie, I bet you 100 bucks you don't know the governor of
California." So, Fred and Bernie go to Sacramento, and the governor
greets them with open arms.
Well, Fred still doesn't believe Bernie and says, "Bernie, I bet you 500
dollars you don't know the president of the United States." So, they go
to Washington DC, and they're invited to dinner. Well, Fred still
doesn't believe Bernie and says, "All right, Bernie, I bet you 1,000
dollars you don't know the Pope." So, they go to the Vatican. As the
pope is standing up on the pedestal, Bernie says to Fred, "Okay, Fred,
you wait here and watch me go up to the pope and watch how the guards
let me walk right up and watch how the pope greets me."
So, Fred watches, and just as Bernie is about to tap the pope on the
shoulder he looks down to Fred to make sure Fred is watching. Just then,
he sees Fred collapse to the ground. He rushes down to his friend's aid.
"Fred, Fred, what happened?" asked
Bernie. "Well, just as you were about to tap the pope on the shoulder,
somebody tapped me on the shoulder, I turned around and they asked me,
'Hey! Who's that guy up there with Bernie?'"
Submitted by Steve in Saratoga
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were
doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th
floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned
beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage
one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed,
"Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time
I'm going to jump off, too."
The blond opened his lunch and said,"Bologna again.
If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm
The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box,
saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and
jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping.
She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of
corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it
to him again!"
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have
given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he
hated burritos so much."
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife.
"Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own
One of Brian's favorite jokes
A man walks into a pharmacist and asks for a bottle of arsenic. The
pharmacist says "I can't give you a bottle of arsenic."
The man says, "OK then, give me a half a bottle of arsenic." The pharmacist
says "I can't give you a half bottle of arsenic and even if I could, what do
you need it for?"
The man says "I want to kill my wife."
The pharmacist responds "knowing that there is no way I can give it to you."
Just then the man pulls out a picture of his wife and hands it to the
pharmacist. The pharmacist looks at the picture and says "Oh, I didn't know
that you had a prescription."
Submitted by Jane in Marin
Q: What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A: About 45 pounds
Q:What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?
A: About 45 minutes
Submitted by Pat
One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and
wooden boys do. As they were cuddling later, Pinocchio could tell that
something was bothering his girlfriend. So he asked her, "What's the
Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the
best guy I've ever met, but every time we make love you give me
splinters." This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day
he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto.
When Pinocchio arrived, Gepetto could tell something was bothering
Pinocchio, and asked him what was the matter. Pinocchio revealed his
dilemma to Gepetto. Gepetto searched up and down for a solution.
Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out
Pinocchio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously
thanked Gepetto and went on his way.
Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore assumed
that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio's problems. A couple
weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the
hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio. When he saw Pinocchio buying
all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked,
"So, Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls,
eh?" To which Pinocchio replied, "Girls? Who needs girls?"
Submitted by Debbie and Jack
25 Rules Guys Wish Women Knew
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat, if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair.
4. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really!
8. Women wearing wonder bras and low cut blouses lose their right to
complain about having their boobs stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point
blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us
to act like the soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how
pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done.Not both.
23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.
Submitted by John
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning
at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to piss." The 80 year old man
says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and
groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement." The 90
year old man says, "At seven I piss like a horse, and at eight I crap
like a cow."
"So what's your problem?" ask the others. "I don't wake up until nine!"
Submitted by Brian
In the town square a nasty crowd had gathered, intending to stone to
death a prostitute. From the crowd, Jesus strides forward, holds up his
arms and yells "Let ye without sin cast the first stone!" The crowd is
contrite, for none amongst them can honestly say they are without sin.
Then a little old woman comes hobbling up, picks up a good size rock and
beans the prostitute right between the eyes. Jesus just stands there
with his hands on his hips and says, "Sometimes, Mother, you really piss
Ronn's mom favorite joke
Morty Rosenthal is a new member of the Golden Goose retirement
community, and is passing the morning sunning himself on a bench near
Rebecca, out for her morning constitutional, sees Morty, and says "Do
"Not at all" Morty says.
So Rebecca sits down on the opposite end of his bench. "So, you're new
here?" Rebecca asks.
"Yes" Morty affirms.
"So, you are from where?" Rebecca inquires.
"Washington" Morty answers.
"The capitol or the state?" asks Rebecca.
"The state" replies Morty.
"So how old are you?" Rebecca asks.
"I'll be 70 in October." Morty replies.
Not yet satisfied with the answers, Rebecca presses on with "What did
you do in Washington?"
"I was in prison" Morty retorts.
"Really?" says Rebecca. "What were you in prison for?"
"My wife of twenty years was always asking stupid questions, so I
chopped her up and put her down the garbage disposal." he says.
"Sooooo," purrs Rebecca, "you're single?"
John in Walnut Creek
A long time welfare recipient walks into the local welfare office,
marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi, I hate drawing
welfare. I would really rather find a job."
The man behind the counter replies, "Your timing is amazing.
We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his gorgeous 25 year old nymphomaniac daughter.
You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, and the suits,
shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job,
meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the
young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year."
The young man says, "You're bullshitting me!"
The man behind the counter says, "Yeah, well, you started it."
Jokes heard on 4-25-03
Submitted by Cathy in San Bruno
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair turned on
the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts.
"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here,
flop your fat arse down, don't even say hello to me and then expect
me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and
clean and wash and iron all day long ......"
The husband sighed. "It's started!"
Submitted by Clint
The REAL story!
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.
"So, how is everything going?" inquired God.
"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and
sunsets are breathtaking; the smells, the sights -- everything is wonderful.
But I have just this one problem. It is these three breasts that
you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am
constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging
them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.
Eve went on to tell God that many other parts of her body (such as
her limbs, eyes, and ears) came in pairs, and she felt that having
only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she
"That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at
this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed
half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."
And God reached down, removed the middle breast, and tossed it into
Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in
the garden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation now?"
"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part.
You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has
Bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."
God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right.
How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate, and I will
immediately create a man from a part of you...Now let's see...Where did I put
that useless boob?"
Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than that business about the rib?
Submitted by John
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These
highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing
and background checks involved before anyone can even be considered for the
position. After sending some applicants through the background checks and
testing, the CIA narrowed the possible choices down to three men.
The day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely
secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the applicant
men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will
follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained.
"Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun
and kill her."
The man had a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I
could never shoot my own wife!"
"Well," said one CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We
must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the
circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your
wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went
in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door suddenly
opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to
shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife! I guess I'm
not the right man for the job..."
"No," the CIA man replied, "you don't have what it takes. Take your wife and
go the hell home!"
Now one man was left to test. Again they lead him to the same door leading
to the same room and handed him the same gun. "We must be sure that you will
follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside you will find
your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The third man took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed
all the way, the CIA men heard several gun shots, one shot after another for
a total of 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. The CIA men
heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for
several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there
stood the third man. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said, "You guys
didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat her
to death with the chair!"
Submitted by Mary in Concord
Little Tommy (who is Jewish) was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special
learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally, in a
last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local
Catholic school. After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very
serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he
went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread
out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work.
His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the
minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time
he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time,
day after day while his mother tried to understand what made the difference.
Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the
table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his
Mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math! She
could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, WHAT
was it?? Was it the nuns??" Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head,
no. "Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the
structure, the uniforms??
WHAT was it??"
Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when
I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."
Submitted by Diane in Vacaville
A high school English teacher reminds her class of their final exam the next
day, "Remember, I won't tolerate ANY excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or serious personal injury, illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it; no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would
you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual
The class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
Silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student,
shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the
exam with your other hand."
Submitted by Rocky in Fremont
Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, father, for I
have sinned, I have been with a loose woman." The priest says, "Is that
you, Tommy?" "Yes, father, it is I." "Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation." The
priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "No, father." "Was it Fiona
MacDonald?" "No, father." "Was it Ann Brown?" "No, father, I cannot tell
you." The priest says. "I admire your perseverance, but you must atone
for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail
Marys." Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and
asks what happened. Tommy replies: "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail
Marys and three good leads."
Submitted by Kasey
Moral of the Story
I was happy. My girlfriend and had been dating for over a year, and had
decided it was time to get married.
My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my
girlfriend? She was a dream!
There was only one thing bothering me..... my mother-in-law to be.
She was a career woman, smart, beautiful and sexy. She flirted with me
occasionally, which made me feel uncomfortable.
One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding
invitations. So I went.
She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be
married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to
make love to me just once.
What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
So, she said, "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come
I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front
door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house.
Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and
said, "We are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We
couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.
Submitted by Sam in Burlingame
I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a
carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one
of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.
My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are
prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a
non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The
other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on
charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.
I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in the
Bronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel. Her time there is
limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I
am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I
would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the
street, and hopefully, the heroin habits.
All thing considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancee and look
forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally
honest with her. Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French?
Worried About My Reputation
Submitted by Mike in Petaluma
This married man goes to the confessional and says to his priest, "I had an
affair with a woman........almost......"
The priest says, "What do you mean, almost? "
The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not
to see that woman again. Now say 5 Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks
over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.....
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw
that, you didn't put any money in the poor box"
The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently
that's the same as putting it in!"
Submitted by Dave in Fremont
A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring at a
portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very
black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had
black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble
interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly
half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African
Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.
"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis
also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay
men in contemporary society."
After the curator left, a young man in a West Virginia T-shirt approached the
couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"
"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the
gallery?" asked the couple.
"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied... "In fact, there are no
African Americans depicted at all. They're just three West Virginia coal
miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."
Submitted by Brian in Pittsburg
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only say one thing. They say, 'Hi, we're
hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' and keep repeating it all the time."
"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought a moment. "You know,"
he said, "I may have a solution. I have two male talking parrots that I have
taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two over and we'll put them in
the cage together and Frank and Jacob will teach themto pray and worship."
"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may well be the solution." The
next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered
her in, she saw two male parrots holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her two parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're
Do you want to have some fun?"
There was a stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the
other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers
have been answered!"
Submitted by Corkie in Elk Grove
An Irish Toast
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me
life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of
She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the
other night, with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been
there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to
pull him by the ears to make him come."
Submitted by Jim
I was traveling between New York and Boston the other day when I got a flat
tire. Checking my spare, I found that too was flat. My only option was to
flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the
window "Need a lift?". "Yes, I sure do," I replied. "You a Democrat or
Republican?" asked the old man. "Republican," I replied. "Well, you can
just go to hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.
Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same
Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave me the finger
and drove off. I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my
strategy. Since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared
to be few Republicans.
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blond.
She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Democrat or Republican.
"Democrat!" I shouted. "Hop in," replied the blond.
Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in
the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts and
a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car." She immediately slammed on the
brakes and as soon as the car stopped I jumped out. "What's the matter?"
she asked. "I can't take it anymore." I replied. "I've only been a
Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody."
Submitted by Margaret
Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table,
because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything
inside them is color-coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best,
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: You know, I like construction workers. They
always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the
job takes longer than you said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shuts them all up when he observes: "The French are the
easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine.
Plus the head and ass are interchangeable.
Submitted by Carlos in Mountain View
My wife rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for
the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back
turned to her.
"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"
The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled
and said, "Not bad."
Submitted by Jerry
A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled,"
volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to
which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he
slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully "and thank God we can
all still drive."
Submitted by Lily in Santa Rosa
Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a senior citizen's residence. They met in
the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's
After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner
and she accepted. They had a lovely evening. Afterward, Claude asked Maude to
join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a
natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a
most enjoyable roll in the feathers.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they shared, each was
lost for a time in their own thoughts.
Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more
Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have taken
off my pantyhose."
Submitted by Steve in Union City
Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell,
where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," the devil
says. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have
to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of
people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil led him into the first
In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and
surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," bin Laden said, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't
think I could do that all day long."
So the devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with
a sledgehammer and a huge pile of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time.
"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I'd be in constant agony if all
I did was break rocks all day," bin Laden commented.
So the devil opened a third door. In it, bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on
the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was his girl Monica, doing what she does
best. Osama bin Laden stared in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can
The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Submitted by Dave in Dallas
A man walks into a pharmacist and asks for a bottle of arsenic. The
pharmacist says "I can't give you a bottle of arsenic."
The man says "OK then, give me a half a bottle of arsenic." The pharmacist
says "I can't give you a half bottle of arsenic and even if I could, what do
you need it for?"
The man says "I want to kill my wife."
The pharmacist responds "knowing that there is no way I can give it to you."
Just then the man pulls out a picture of his wife and hands it to the
pharmacist. The pharmacist looks at the picture and says "Oh, I didn't know
that you had a prescription."
Jokes heard on 2-14-03
Submitted by Diane in Vacaville
These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme
with the most romantic first line but ... the least romantic second line:
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and
so is your head.
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes-
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell"
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Submitted by Kent in Hollister
Albert Einstein arrives at a party and introduces himself to the first
he sees and asks, "What is your IQ?" The man answers, "241."
"That is wonderful!" says Albert. "We will talk about the Grand Unification
Theory and other mysteries of the Universe. We will have much to discuss!"
Next, Albert introduces himself to a woman and asks, What is your IQ?" The
lady answers, "144." "That is great!" says Albert. "We can discuss
religion, and current affairs. We will have much to discuss!"
Albert goes to another man and asks, "What is your IQ?" to which the man
Albert says, "How 'bout dem Raiders?"
Submitted by Mike in Olympia, WA
Two tourist groups, one made up of all blondes and one of all brunettes,
charter a double-decker bus for a weekend in Vegas. The brunettes ride in
bottom of the bus and the blondes ride on the top level.
The brunettes down below are whooping it up and having a great time when one
of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs.
She decides to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear,
staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them.
The brunette says, "What is going on up here? We're having a great time
One of the blondes says, "Sure you are. But you've got a driver!"
Submitted by Mike K.
A man went into a popular Chinese restaurant and was asked to wait at the
until a table was available. The bartender asked "What would you like?"
The man answered, "I'd like a Stoli with a twist."
The bartender paused for a moment, then said, "Once upon a time, there
were three little pigs....."
Submitted by Evelyn W.
Out of the mouths of babes ...
A 5-year old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. While playing with
his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting furniture, he looked up
said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend?"
Grandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can set in my bedroom and
watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel
so good. The comedies make me laugh. I'm so happy with my TV as my
Grandma turned on the TV and the picture was horrible. She started
the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started
hitting on the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy
heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door. When he opened the
door, there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello son, is
The little boy replied, "Yes, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."
Submitted by Chris in Cupertino
Here's a timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for an
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that
waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.
It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it.
However, when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I noticed he also
had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then looked around the room and saw that
the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson Consulting,
experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our processes."
"After several months of statistical analysis, they concluded that customers
drop their spoons 73.84 percent more often than any other utensil."
"This represents a Drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per
"If our personnel is prepared to deal with that contingency, we can reduce
the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with
his spare spoon.
"I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an
extra trip to get it right now."
I was rather impressed.
The waiter served our main course and I continued to look around.
I then noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the waiter's
Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging
from their flies.
My curiosity got the better of me and before he walked off, I asked the
waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right
"Oh, certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice.
"Not everyone is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also
found out that we can save time in the restroom."
"How so?" I asked.
"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the head of you know what, we
can pull it out over the urinal without touching it and that way eliminate
the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by
"Okay, that makes sense, but . . . if the string helps you get it out, how
you put it back in?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't know about
the others, but I use the spoon."
Submitted by Mike in Petaluma
Ronn, did you hear that they are tearing down all the Wall Marts and K-Marts
in Iraq? Yep, its true! They're putting up TARGETS!
Submitted by Bill in SF
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for
Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for
giving someone a valentine?"
Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think God would get
mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock. "Well," she says, "I
that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a
valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe
start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent
valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all
over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines
could blow the shit out of him."
Submitted by Brian in Pittsburg
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly
impressed he buys a pack, and when he gets home he tells his wife about his
"What makes them so special?", she asks.
"There are three colors," he says. "Gold, Silver and Bronze.
"What color are you going to wear tonight," she asks.
"Gold of course," the man answers proudly.
The wife responds, "Why don't you wear silver ... it would be nice if you
second for a change."
Submitted by Leslie in Danville
A bright, young, fresh-out-of-school auditor just joined the IRS, excited to
begin tracking down high-powered offenders, like the Enron or WorldCom
Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his
assignment was to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books and the taxes were
pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought
he'd make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.
"Rabbi," he said, "I noticed that you buy a lot of candles." "Yes,"
the Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?" he
"A good question," noted the Rabbi. "We actually save them up and
when we have enough, we send them back to the candle maker. And every now
and then, they send us a free box of candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor
somewhat disappointed that his unusual question actually had a practical
So he thought he'd go on, in his obnoxious way..."Rabbi, what about all
What do you do with the crumbs from the matzo?" "Ah,
yes," replied the Rabbi calmly, "we actually collect up all the crumbs from
the matzo and when we have enough, we send them in a box back to the
manufacturer and every now and then, they send a box of matzo balls."
replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi.
"Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the foreskins from the
"Yes, here too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What
we do is save up all the foreskins, and when we have enough we actually send
them to the IRS."
"The IRS?," questioned the auditor in disbelief.
"Ahh, yes," replied the Rabbi, " the IRS....and about once a year, they
us a little prick like you."
Submitted by Geri in Austin, TX
Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. Each
day, they noticed the boss left work early.
One day the girls decided, when the boss left, they would leave right behind
her. After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know
they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to be home early. She did a little gardening,
playtime with her son, and went to bed early.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa
meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when
got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and
quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband
fooling around with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to
leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with
"No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"
Submitted by Corkie
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, Cruise
Special -- $99!"
So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the
cruise special, please."
The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner
tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river,
where he pushes her in and sends her floating.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside,
lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied
to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.
Somehow drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the
first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde
asks, "Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?"
The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year...."
Submitted by Kay in Sacramento
Numerous doctors attend a funeral for a cardiologist. Behind the
cardiologist's casket is a large, beautiful heart. At the conclusion of the
service, the casket swings around and moves into the heart, and the heart
closes, enclosing the cardiologist's remains in its beauty forever.
At the back of the room, a man starts laughing. Asked about this later, the
man says "No offense, I was just watching this and thinking about my own
funeral someday. I'm a gynecologist."
Nearby, the proctologist fainted.
Submitted by Fran K.
A Jewish lady is sitting at home when the phone rings. "Hello," she says.
"Hello," says the male voice at the other end, "I bet you'd really like it
I came round, ripped off your blouse and bra and pants, then threw you to
floor and made hot, sweaty love to you ..."
The Jewish lady replies, "From 'hello', you can tell all this......?"
Submitted by Dee in Citrus Heights
Two blondes are in heaven...
One blonde says to another, "How did you die?" "I froze to death," says the
"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"
"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. "You get the
shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually,
it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if
"How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde.
"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband
cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the
bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one
was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding
there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got
I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity! If you had only looked in
the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
Submitted by Mark in Fremont
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of
car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker
lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing
some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She
jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the
trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says
brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the
blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The
trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you
are losing some of your load!"
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and
runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he
"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Minnesota and I'm driving the SALT
Submitted by Mel in Mill Valley
Two Priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals. One of them looks
the other one's penis and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it
He turns to the other Priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put
patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."
The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to 2 butts a day"
Submitted by Rocky in Rocklin
A new year of school just begun. And the 4th grade teacher thought it would
be a good idea to get acquainted with her class. She asked each child to
their name and what their father's job was.
The first child answered, " My name is Bobby and my dad is a postman."
The second child answered, "MY name is Mary and my dad is a mechanic."
The third child answered by saying, "My name is Johnny and my dad strips in
Very embarrassed and alarmed by his answer the teacher immediately changed
the subject. During recess the teacher approached Johnny and questioned if
his father really worked as a stripper in a gay bar.
Johnny answered "No, I
was too embarrassed to admit it but, my dad is the defensive coordinator for
the Oakland Raiders."
Submitted by Bob in Half Moon Bay
Yassir Arafat is in his office, alone, when his bodyguards hear a loud
explosion inside his office. Rushing in, they see him on the floor, face
They ask, "What happened, Mr. Chairman?"
"A letter bomb," exclaimed the injured Arafat.
"But a letter bomb would have wounded your hands, not your mouth," replied
one of his experienced men.
"I was sealing it," said Arafat.
Submitted by Barbara in Berkeley
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the Condo clubhouse when Leo
Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest
and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the
other five complete their playing time standing up.
Finkelstein looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"
They draw straws and Goldberg picks the short one.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any
"Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you will ever meet.
Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."
Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment, knocks on the door, the wife
answers, and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost
$500, and is afraid to come home."
She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!"
Goldberg says, "I'll go tell him."
Submitted by Ray in San Jose
How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
His hand caught on fire.
Submitted by Obie in Atherton
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the
condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes
of condoms. The father replies, "Well, you see that 3 pack? That's for when
you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday
The son then asks his father, "What's the 6 pack for?"
The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for
Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning."
Then the son asks his father what the 12 pack is for.
The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for
January, one for February, one for March......"
Submitted by Ronald
When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some training on a
Navajo Indian reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the
space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question which his
son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon.
The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message
to the moon with the astronauts.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity for the spin-doctors, the NASA folks
found a tape recorder. After the old man recorded his message,
they asked the son to translate it. He refused.
So the NASA reps brought the tape to the reservation where the rest of the
tribe listened and laughed but refused to translate the elder's
message to the moon.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. He
reported that the moon message said, "Watch out for these assholes; they
have come to steal your land."
Submitted by Dale in Santa Rosa
A man approaches a beautiful woman in a grocery store and he says, "I've
my wife. Do you mind talking to me for a few minutes?"
The woman looks puzzled. She asks, "Why talk to me?"
The guy says, "Because every time I talk to a woman with big boobs my wife
shows up out of nowhere."
Jokes heard on 11-1-02
Submitted by Frances in Alameda
GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild,
naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.
Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open to trade
especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 40 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her
Between 41 and 50 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a warm and
a desirable place to visit.
Between 51 and 60 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war -- haunted by past
mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
Between 61 and 70, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are
unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.
Between 71 and 75, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and all
conquering past but alas, no future.
After 75, they become Afghanistan. Almost everyone knows where it is, but
no one wants to go there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 12 and 92, a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick.
Submitted by Artee
Ariel Sharon, the Israeli Prime Minister comes to Washington for meetings
with President Bush. For the State Dinner, Laura Bush decides to bring in a
special Kosher Chef and have a truly Jewish meal. At the dinner that night,
the first course is served and it is matzoh ball Soup.
President Bush looks at this and after learning what it is called he tells
an aide that he can't eat such a gross and strange-looking brew. The aide
says that Mr. Sharon will be insulted if he doesn't at least taste it.
Not wanting to cause any trouble, after all he ate sheep's eye in honor of
his Arab guests, the President gingerly lowers his spoon into the bowl and
retrieves a piece of matzoh ball and some broth. He hesitates, then swallows
and a grin appears on his face.
He digs right in and finishes the whole bowl.
"That was delicious," he says to Sharon. "Do the Jews eat any other part of
the matzoh or just the balls?"
Submitted by Mark
Little Billy was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after
After the 6th one, an old man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you
know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot
your teeth, and make you fat."
Little Billy replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
"Oh?" replied the old man. " Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a
"No" replied Little Billy, "he minded his own damn business!!"
Submitted by Bob
A murder has been committed. Police are called to an apartment and find a
man standing, holding a five-iron in his hands, staring at the lifeless body
of a woman on the ground. The detective asks, "Sir, is that your wife?"
"Did you hit her with that golf club?"
"Yes. Yes, I did," the man answers. He stifles a sob, drops the club, and
puts his hands on his head. "How many times did you hit her?"
"I don't know," said the man, "five, six. Put me down for a five."
Submitted by Nick
A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp,
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"
And the shopkeeper gets down one his knees, (so that he's on the same level
with her), and asks, "Do you want a wittle white wabbit or a soft and fuwwy
She in turn puts her hands on her knees, bends forward and says, "I don't
fink my pyfon weally cares."
Submitted by Scott in Concord
A man is talking to God.
He says, "God, why did you make women so beautiful?"
God Says, " So you would like them."
Then the man says, " Well then why did you make women
with such wonderful bodies?"
God says, "So you would like them."
At last the man says, " So then why did you make women
God says, "So they'd like you.
Submitted by Bob in Marin
Three mice are sitting at a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late
at night, trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The
first mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the
bar, turns to the second mouse and says, "When I see a mousetrap, I lie
on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch
it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then
make off with the cheese."
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down
one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the first
mouse and replies, "Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I
can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each
morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse.
The third mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a
long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this b.s.
Gotta go home and boink the cat."
Submitted by Jack
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against
a wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the
wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get
something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an
entire bottle of laxative." The owner exclaims, "You idiot! You can't treat
cough with a bottle of laxatives!"
The clerk says, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough!"
Submitted by Robin in San Carlos
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a nativity scene in
Washington, DC this Christmas. This isn't for any religious
They simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in
the nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough
asses to fill the stable.
Submitted by Charles in San Jose
There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in
the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he
decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely
undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he
left sticking out.
Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing
the thing sticking up out of the sand, she began to move it around with her
cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.''
The other lady asked what she meant.
"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was
30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I
was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I
forgot all about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm
too old to squat!"
Submitted by Alan in Stockton
Once upon a time a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new
Chief Samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a
Chinese and a Jewish Samurai.
"Demonstrate your skills!" commanded the Emperor. The Japanese samurai
stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his samurai
sword and * Swish! * the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!
"What a feat!" said the Emperor. "Number Two Samurai, show me what you do."
The Chinese samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny
box, releasing a fly. He drew his samurai sword and * Swish! * Swish! * The
fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.
"That is skill!" nodded the Emperor. "How are you going to top that, Number
three Samurai?" Number Three Samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened
a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his samurai sword and Swoooooosh!
flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room.
But the fly was still buzzing around!
In disappointment, the Emperor said, "What kind of skill is that? The fly
isn't even dead."
"Dead, schmead," replied the Jewish Samurai. "Dead is easy. Circumcision...
THAT takes skill!"
Submitted by Roseville Phil
Q: Why did the buffalo give up his cell phone?
A: The roaming charges were killin' him!
Submitted by Robin in Fairfield
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his belt buckle. The
bartender looks at the pirate and says, "Hey, do you know you have a
steering wheel on your pants?"
The pirate replies, "Arg, it's drivin' me nuts."
Submitted by Jeanna in Concord
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that
learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is
for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me
for giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says
"No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine
"Osama Bin Laden," she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock.
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could
have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that
maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if
other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a
lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much
he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart
swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride.
"Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," Melissa says, "And once that gets him out in the open, Our troops
could blow the crap out of him."
Submitted by Gerry Ott
On a visit to his doctor, an elderly gentlemen asks for a prescription of
Viagra. Doctor says, "No problem. How many do you want?"
Old man answers, "Just a few, but cut them into quarters."
Doctor says, "Well that won't do you any good!"
Old guy says, "That's all right. I'm over 90 years old, so I don't need
them for sex anymore. I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't
pee on my shoes."
Submitted by Anita
This is so typical of a child. Did you hear about the teacher who was
helping one of her kindergarten students put on his boots? He asked for
help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots
still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked
up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher,
they're on the wrong feet."
She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the
boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as
together they worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right
He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather
than get right in his face and scream, Why didn't you say so? like she
wanted to. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots
off. He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear
them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the
grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.
She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in
the toes of my boots..."
Her trial starts next week.
From Larry "Bubbles" Brown
A couple are driving down the road.
The wife says to her husband, "I wish they'd name a freeway after you."
The husbands asks, "Why, do you think I'm *that* important?"
"No," she replies. "It would mean that you'd have been dead 5 years."
Submitted by Mike Orkin
It is teeming rain and the rising river begins to threaten all manner of
including that of the local Rabbi.
With water coming into the ground floor, a rowboat with police comes by, and
the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water level is getting
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the
Almighty, and I am confident He will deliver me."
Three hours go by, and the rains intensify, at which point the Rabbi has
been forced up to the second floor of his house. A second police rowboat
comes by, and the officer shouts, "Rabbi, let us evacuate you! The water
level is getting dangerous."
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the
Almighty, and I am confident He will deliver me."
The rain does not stop, and the Rabbi is forced up onto the roof of his
house. A helicopter flies over, and the officer shouts down, "Rabbi, grab
the rope and we'll pull you up! You're in terrible danger!"
The Rabbi replies, "No thank you, I am a righteous man, who trusts in the
Almighty, and I am confident He will deliver me."
The deluge continues, and the Rabbi is swept off the roof, carried away in
the current and drowns. He goes up to heaven, and at the Pearly Gates he is
admitted, and comes before the Divine Presence. The Rabbi asks, "Dear Lord,
I don't understand. I've been a righteous, observant
person my whole life, and depended on You to save me in my hour of need.
Where were You?"
And the Lord answers, "Schmuck, I sent two boats and a helicopter. What more
do you want?"
Submitted by Joanne
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of
years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a
terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis in the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill
indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion
on his own.
One day a few weeks later Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could
see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my
penis in the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill, you didn't."
"Yes, I did."
"My God, Bill, what happened?"
"I got fired."
"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh ... she got fired too."
Submitted by Joe in Redwood City
Two five-year-old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your
thing doesn't have any skin on it!"
"I've been circumcised."
”What's that mean?"
"It means they cut the skin off the end."
"How old were you when it was cut off?"
"My Mom said I was two days old."
"Did it hurt?"
"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"
Submitted by Gerry Ott
A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her
lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, "Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
Man - "Fine."
A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that ...
that is way more than those two things a worth. I'm going to take you to
church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that crap again."
The winner of the $500 prize for best joke heard on the R&B Joke Hour on August 9th was submitted by Rick Maier:
A bartender on a slow day looks up and sees President Bush and Collin Powell
arriving and taking seats at the end of the bar. He is surprised to see
them and asks them what they are doing in a bar. Powell answers, "We need
time to discuss what the next actions will be in Iraq."
The bartender asks, "What are some of your ideas for Iraq?"
Bush answers, "Well we have one idea ... but it won't be pretty. We will
strategically drop a nuke in Iraq ... but it will kill a half a million
Iraqis ... and one blonde with big boobs."
The bartender screams out, "Oh My God! A blonde with big boobs?! Why??"
Powell looks at Bush and says "See? I told ya no one would care about the
half million Iraqis."
Submitted by Marjorie in Santa Rosa:
A woman stopped by unannounced at her recently married son's house. She rang
the doorbell and walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying
on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing; the aroma of perfume
filled the room. What are you doing?" she asked.
"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
My husband loves me to wear this dress," she explained. "It excites him to no
end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and
ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me.
The mother-in-law left. When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on
her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD and laid on the
couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He
walked in and saw her laying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress" she whispered, sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said.
Submitted by Ron in Pleasant Hill:
A young Jewish kid comes home excited from the casting call at the local
"Momma, Momma," he says. "I got a part in the play. I'm gonna play the
"So," she says. "you couldn't get a speaking part?"
Submitted by Anita:
I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes
and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a
break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a
pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for
having bald tires!! So I called him horse shit. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third
ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more
tickets he wrote.
I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner...
From comedian Chris Alpine:
What do you get if you cross a donkey with an onion?
Most of the time you get an onion with really long ears, but every once in a
while you get a piece of ass that brings tears to your eyes.
Submitted by Lynn in Contra Costa:
SECRETS FOR A HAPPY MARRIAGE
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to have sex.
4. It is important that these three women never meet.
Submitted by Ward and Barbara:
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came
into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said,
"Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a
baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she replied, "but what is growing in
Submitted by Mavis:
So a guy walks into a bar with a goose under his arm and says to the
bartender: "Give me a beer. And hurry your butt up about it -- I don't have
The bartender cocks an eyebrow. She pours him a mug of beer and slides it
across the bar to him.
"That's quite a pig you've got there," she says.
"Will you give me a damn break," the man tells her. He takes a huge slurp of
beer and burps. "This isn't a pig -- it's a goose."
"I'm talking to the goose," says the bartender.
Submitted by Phil:
Three Italian mothers were attending a football game. Each had a son
playing on the same team. At the start of the game, the first boy saw
his opportunity, grabbed the ball and running quickly, out-foxed the
opposing team, making the first touchdown. His mother, obviously proud
of her son, sprang from the bleachers, shouting in her broken Italian
accent, "Thatsa *my* boy! I raised him onna da Pet milk. Ain't he-a
Soon, the second boy received the ball and in a spectacular run down the
field, made another goal for the team. Not wanting to be outdone by
the first boy's mother, the second boy's mother jumped from her seat,
exclaiming, "Thatsa *my* boy!! I raised him onna da breast milk.
Ain't he-a wonderful?"
The third boy, hadn't done so well, but finally someone threw him the
ball. He fumbled it, then recovered ... running in the wrong
direction, fell with the ball, ran some more, stumbled again,
dropped it once more, recovered it and finally crossed the goal line
on the wrong end of the field. The third Italian mother couldn't stand
it any longer. Rising from her place in the stands, she shouted, "Thatsa
*my* boy! I raised him onna Milk of Magnesia. Ain't he-a the shits?"
Submitted by Suzanne:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your
Submitted by Doug in San Francisco:
While on a business trip to Rome the CEO of Tyson Foods manages to be granted
an audience with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers to the Holy Father, "Your
eminence, we have an offer for you. Tyson Foods is prepared to donate $100
million dollars to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us
this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'."
The Pope responds, "That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord.
It must not be changed as stated in the Scriptures."
"Well," says the Tyson man, "we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason,
we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we require is that
you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give
us this day our daily chicken'."
Again, the Pope replies, "That, my son, is impossible. As I have said, this
prayer represents the immutable word of God and it cannot be changed under
any circumstance no matter how good it may appear."
Finally, the Tyson guy says, "Your Holiness, we at Tyson Foods respect your
adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500
million dollars -- that's half a billion dollars -- to the great Catholic
Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our
daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily chicken'. Please consider it."
And so he leaves.
The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. "There is some good
news," he announces, "and some bad news. The good news is that the Church has
come into $500 million dollars."
"And the bad news, your eminence?" asks a Cardinal.
The Pope replies, "We're losing the Wonder Bread account."
Submitted byMary Jane in Pleasant Hill (as heard on the Dr. Dean Edell Show):
Maude and Claude, who were up in years, met one another at a retirement
community. They found they had similar interests and enjoyed spending time
together. One day Claude asked Maude if she'd like to go out to dinner with
him sometime. She said she would, so they set a date. They had a wonderful
time and afterwards Claude invited Maude to his apartment for after-dinner
coffee. She told him she would enjoy that. As they finished their coffee,
Claude moved closer and asked if she would like to go to bed with him. Maude
thought for a moment and told him that was a good idea. So, they went to bed
and there was a fair amount of action. When they were finished, Claude
thought to himself : "I wish I had known she was a virgin. I would have
been more gentle." Maude thought to herself: "I wish I had known he could do
it -- I would have taken off my pantyhose."
Submitted by Mary in Pleasant Hill
A husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have
to let your wife hen peck you. Go home and show her you're the boss."
The husband took the doctor's advice. He rushed home, slammed the door,
shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on, you're taking
me. I want my supper right now, and when you get it on the table, go
upstairs, and lay out my best clothes. Tonight I'm going out with the boys
and you are going to
stay at home where you belong. And another thing, guess who's going to comb
my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?"
His wife said calmly, "The undertaker."
Submitted by Teri:
This morning, as I lie on my bed thinking about you, I have this strong urge
to grab you ... because I just can't forget about last night.
Late in the balmy night, unexpectedly, you came to me in my bed and what
happened there still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared out of nowhere and shamelessly, without reservation, you laid on
my naked body without guilt or humiliation. You drove me crazy with your
taunting and sucking.
Only after you were finally satisfied did I fall asleep, but today, when I
woke up, you were gone. I've searched for you everywhere, to no avail. My
sheets still bear witness to last night's events, as does my body, which
still shows your mark, making it that much harder to forget you.
Tonight I promise to remain awake and wait for you and as soon as you appear,
I will grab you and never let you go. This time you won't disappear. And, I
won't rest until I squeeze the life out of you and destroy you once and for
all, you damned mosquito!
Submitted by LL:
A plumber received a call from a lady whose sink had a bad leak. The plumber
said he could come right over. The lady said that would be great but she had
to go out. She agreed to leave her key under the door mat by the kitchen, she
also mentioned that she had a large pit bull dog and a parrot in the kitchen.
The dog would be no problem she said, but what ever you do, don't talk to the
When the plumber arrived all was as the lady said ... key under mat, pit bull
sleeping and a parrot squawking in its cage. The plumber started to repair
the leak all the while the parrot was making all kinds of noises and swearing
at the plumber. The poor plumber could take it no longer and yelled at the
parrot to shut up!
The parrot was quite for a moment ... and than said, "Sic him, Max!"
Submitted by Teri:
A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her
tomatoes to turn red. One day while taking a walk she came upon a gentleman
neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.
The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"
The gentleman responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato
garden and expose myself and my tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed she decided to try doing the same thing to
her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she
exposed herself to her garden hoping for the best.
One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, How
did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
"No" she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."
Submitted by Melvin and Mae:
What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One is a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger.
The other is just a fish.
Submitted by William in Petaluma:
A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he
has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.
"Hmm ...," he wonders, "how am I gonna get more dough?"
Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe
the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have
a program here that will teach Buster how to talk!"
"That's absolutely amazing!" his father says. "How do I get him in that
"Just send him down here with $1000," the boy says, "I'll get him into the
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the
semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
"So how's Buster doing, son?" his father asks.
"Awesome, dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe
this -- they've had such good results with this program, that they've
implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!"
"READ!?" says his father, "No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." ...And his father sends the
At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his
father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the
dog. When he gets home, his father is all excited. "Where's Buster? I just
can't wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of
the shower, Buster was in the living room kicking back in the recliner,
reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and
asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead who
lives over on Oak Street?' "
The father says, "Oh, NO! I hope you SHOT that lyin' son of a bitch!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
From Father Guido Sarducci (as told by Bill Newsome):
When you die and go to heaven, you're given a bankroll of $250,000. But
before you can enter the pearly gates, you have to pay off your sins.
Take murder, for example. You lose all. Armed robbery costs you $25,000.
Or suppose you went out and stole a car. That's ten thousand bucks.
Masturbation costs a quarter.
Why only a quarter?
Well, it adds up!
From Dan and Jean:
Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children. Soon after
the last child is born her husband dies.
A few weeks later she remarries and over the years has another 22 children
with her second husband.
After the last child is born her second husband also dies.
Within a month Maria is engaged to be married a third time. Unfortunately she
becomes very ill and dies.
At her wake the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin,
looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally together."
A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me, Father, but do you mean
Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"
The priest says, "I mean her legs."
From Michele in Brookvale:
Guy has stuffed his pant pockets with golf balls he found searching the
rough at the golf course across town. He catches a bus for the trip home.
The bus is very crowded and he has to stand. Guy notices a young woman
staring at his bulging pockets. He whispers to her "golf balls." She
continues to stare and then asks, "Is that as painful as tennis elbow?"
It's the first day of school in Houston and the teacher figures she'll get to
know the kids by asking them their names and what their fathers do for a
The first little girl says: "My name is Mary and my daddy is a postman."
The next little boy says: "I'm Andy and my Dad is a mechanic."
Then one little boy says: "My name is Jimmy and my father is a striptease
dancer in a cabaret for gay men."
The teacher gasps and quickly changes the subject, but later in the school
yard the teacher approaches Jimmy privately and asks if it's really true that
his Dad dances nude in a gay bar.
He blushes and says, "I'm sorry but my dad is really an auditor for Arthur
Andersen and I was just too embarrassed to say so."
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we
lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7. Did
you copy that report from Eastern?"
Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we
copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
From Bob in Soquel:
Q: What do Kmart stores and Catholic priests have in common?
A: Both have boys underwear half off.
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new
dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I
remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high
school class so many years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded
any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was
too old to have been my classmate.
After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local
"Yes," he replied.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1960."
"Why, you were in my class!" I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?
From Janis in Mill Valley:
When the husband finally died his wife put the usual
death notice in the paper, but added that he died of
gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when
a good friend of the family phoned and complained
bitterly "You know very well that he died of diarrhea,
Replied the widow, "I nursed him night
and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I
thought it would be better for posterity to remember him
as a great lover rather than the big s*** he always was."
From Mike in Olympia, WA
A man asked his wife, "If you could have anything in the world for one day,
what would you want?" "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they
went to a local theme park.
What a day!
He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,
the Wall of Fear, everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered
out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down.
Off to McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along
with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs,
popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M & M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed.
He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well dear, what was it like being six
With one eye barely opened she said, "I meant my dress size, you asshole."
From John in Dublin:
I left Montreal heading toward Quebec City, when I decided to stop at a
comfort station. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one.
I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall: "Hi, how are
Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations,
and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a
little embarrassed: "Not bad."
And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"
Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to
think this was too weird! So I said: "Well, just like you I'm driving east."
Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back,
there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking
An elderly Irishman lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of
impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip
cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted
himself from the bed.
Leaning against the wall, he slowly made is way out of the bedroom, and with
even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled
downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing
into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought
himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the
kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was the elderly Irishman in Heaven?
Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his Irish wife of sixty years,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on
his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste
of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.
The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the
table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife ....
"Back off," she said, "they're for the funeral."
A truck driver hauling a tractor trailer filled with computer, stops for
a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door
reading, "Nerds Not Allowed -- Enter at Your Own Risk."
He enters the bar and sits down. The bartender comes over to him,
sniffs him, says that he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does
for a living. The truck driver says that he drives a truck, and the
smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartenders says
okay, truck drivers are not nerds, and serves him a beer.
As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his
glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a
belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word,
pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.
The truck driver asks him why he did that. The bartender said not to
worry, the nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and now they are
"You don't even need a license," he said.
So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and
heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident,
and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out
all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming,
grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and
programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen. He can't let
them steal his whole load. Remembering what had happened in the bar, he
pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them
A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car
screaming at him to stop.
The truck driver says, "What's wrong? I thought nerds were in season."
"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "but you can't bait 'em."
A couple, both 78 years old, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor
asked, "What can I do for you?" The man asks, "Will you watch us have sexual
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor
said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment,
have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the
doctor asked, " Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and
we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. The
Holiday Inn charges $90, the Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and
Medicare pays $43."
The best joke of February 2002, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland
Submitted by Mike in Arizona
In a crowded city at a bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was
for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and
her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight
allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that
give her enough slack to raise her leg.
Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still
couldn't. So, a
little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to
skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step,
again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to
unzip a little
more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How
touch my body, I don't even know who you are !"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would
agree with you,
but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was
The best joke of January 2002, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland
Christina in Sunnyvale
A guy calls his buddy the horse rancher and says he is sending a
to look at a horse.
The buddy says, "How will I recognize him?"
"That's easy, he's a dwarf with a speech impediment."
So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for
a male or
"A female horth."
So he shows him a prized filly.
"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?
So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the
"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's
"Nith earzth. can I see her mouf"
The rancher is getting pretty upset by this point, but he picks
him up again
and shows him the horse's mouth.
"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?
Totally upset at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm
and jams the
dwarf's head as far as he can up the horse's you-know-what, pulls
him out and
slams him on the ground.
The dwarf gets up, sputtering and coughing.
"Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a
The best joke of December 2001, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland
Submitted by Mike in Arizona
Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week. It seems like
yesterday she was crawling around the White House on her hands
The best joke of November 2001, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland
Submitted by Jim:
Her Side of the Story:
He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet
at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the
girls and I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit
later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it. The
conversation was very slow going so I thought we should go off somewhere
more intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this
restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer
him up and started to wonder whether it was
me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I
wasn't really sure.
So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I
said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm
around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant
because you know he didn't say it back or anything.
We finally got back home and I was wondering if he
was going to leave me! So I tried to get him to talk
but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said
I was going to go to bed.
Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my
surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed
really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to
confront him but I just cried myself to sleep.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I
really think he's seeing someone else.
His Side of the Story:
The 49er's lost. Got laid though.
The best joke of October 2001, as picked by Ronn and Brian Copeland
Bill Tacherra of Bolinas.
A woman awoke during the night to find that her husband was not
in bed. She
put on her robe and went downstairs. He was sitting at the
with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appeared to be in deep
just staring at the wall. She saw him wipe a tear from his eye
and take a
sip of his coffee. "What's the matter dear? Why are you down
here at this
time of night?" she asked.
"Do you remember twenty years ago when we were dating and we were
"Yes, I do," she replied.
"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of
my car making
"Yes, I remember."
"Do you remember when he shoved that shotgun in my face and said,
marry my daughter or spend the next twenty years in jail?"
"Yes, I do," she said.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said, " You know...I
gotten out today."