From
Mickey Luckoff
A rabbi and a priest are seated next to
each other on a non-stop flight
cross-country. Shortly after
takeoff, the priest tries to start up a
conversation with the rabbi and asks him,
“Say rabbi, is it still a part
of your faith that you cannot eat
pork?”
The rabbi says, “Yes father, pork is
still a forbidden food”.
Then the priest asks, “So, have you
ever fallen and eaten pork?”
“Yes, I did have pork once”, replies
the Rabbi.
They both get quiet again, and a
little while later the Rabbi
asks, “Father, is it still a part of your
faith that promotes celibacy
among priests?”
The priest says, “Yes, for all men of
the cloth”. The rabbi then asks, “So, have you even broken your
celibacy?”
“Yes, I have fallen to the pleasures
of the flesh once”, replies the priest.
They get quiet again until the rabbi
says, “Sure as hell beats a ham sandwich huh?”
--
Submitted
by Gerry in San Ramon
The judge says to a double-homicide
defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge
says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a
hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You
bastard!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in
the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at
this crime. But no more
outbursts from you, or I'll charge you
with contempt. Is that understood?"
The guy in the back of the court stands
up and says, "I'm sorry, Your
Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived
next door to that bastard, and
every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he
said he didn't have one."
--
Submitted by Susan in Mill
Valley
A mild-mannered man was tired of being
bossed around by his wife.
He went to a psychiatrist to discuss the
problem.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build
his self-esteem and gave him a
book on assertiveness. After finishing
the book, the man went home,
stormed into the house and walked up to
his wife. Pointing a finger in
her face, he said, "From now on, I want
you to know that *I* am the man
of this house, and my word is law! I want
you to prepare me a gourmet
meal tonight, and when I'm finished
eating my dinner, I expect a
sumptuous dessert. Then, after dinner,
you're going to draw me my bath
so I can relax. And when I'm finished
with my bath, guess who's going to
dress me and comb my
hair?"
"The funeral director," his wife
answered.
---
From
Chicago Steve Barkley
What do you call a black guy who's flying
an airplane?
A pilot you racist.
--
Submitted by Sherry in
Newark
A precious little girl walks into a pet
shop and asks in the sweetest
little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you
keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets
down on his knees so that he's
on her level, and asks, "Do you want a
widdle white wabbit, or a thoft
and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like
that cute widdle bwown wabbit
over there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels,
puts her hands on her knees,
leans forward and says in a quiet
voice,"I don't think my python weally
gives a thit."
---
Submitted
by Susan in Mill Valley
A young couple is about to get married.
The groom's father took him
aside and said, "Son, to have a happy
marriage, you have to establish
who's in charge. On the first night of
our honeymoon, I handed your
mother my pants and had her try them on.
She said they didn't fit. I
told her "That's right! I wear the pants
in the family, and as long as
you remember that, we'll both be happy!"
and we've been happy ever since."
Well, the first night after the wedding,
the new groom gave his new
bride his pants. "Try these
on".
"They're too big, and they don't
fit."
"That's right", he said, "I wear the
pants in the family, and as long as
you remember that, we'll both be
happy."
The new bride handed him her pants, and
said "Try these on."
"They're too small. I can't get in your
pants."
"That's right", she said, "and as long as
you keep that attitude, you
never will."
--
Submitted
by Peter
When I got home last night, my wife
demanded that I
take her out to some place
expensive...................
So I took her to a gas
station.
--
Submitted by Sherry in
Newark
A woman walks into an accountant's office
and tells him that she needs
to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin,
I'll need to ask a few
questions. He gets her name,
address, social security number, etc.,
and then asks ... "What is your
occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she
says.
The accountant balks and says, "No, no,
no, that will never work.
That is much too crass. Let's try to
rephrase".
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call
girl."
"No, that is still too crude. Try
again."
They both think for a minute, then the
woman states, "I'm an elite
chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken
farming have to do with being a
whore or a call
girl?"
"Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers
last year."
--
Submitted
by Michael in San Francisco
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly,
widower
father was about to die, Dick decided he
needed a
woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a
singles bar
and he searched until he spotted a woman
whose beauty
took his breath
away.
"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he
said,
walking up to her, "but within a month or
two, my
father will pass and I'll inherit over 20
million
dollars."
The woman went home with Dick, and four
days later she
became his
stepmother.
Men will never
learn.
--
Submitted by
Curtis
Today is my daughters 18th
birthday.......
I'm so glad that this is my last child
support payment. Month after
month, year after year, those ...
payments! So I called my baby girl to
come over to my house, and when she got
there, I said to her, "Baby
girl, I want you to take this last check
over to your mothers house and
tell that her that this is the last check
she's ever going to get from
me, and I want you tell me the expression
on her face."
So my baby girl took the check over to
her.
I was so anxious to hear what the witch
had to say and what she looked like.
As my baby girl walked though the door, I
said, "Now what did she have
to say?"
"She told me to tell you that you ain't
my daddy..."
--
Submitted by Tom at
PG&E
Sally was driving home from one of her
business trips in Northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo
woman walking on the side of the
road. As the trip was a long and
quiet one, she stopped the car and
asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride. With a silent nod of
thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in
vain to make a bit of small talk with the
Navajo woman. The old woman
just sat silently, looking intently at
everything she saw, studying
every little detail, until she noticed a
brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.
"What's in the bag?" asked the old
woman. Sally looked down at the
brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of
wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another
moment or two. speaking with
the quiet wisdom of an elder, she
said, "Good trade."
--
Submitted
by Craig in Davis
After a long night of making love to his
date, a guy notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He
begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously
asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to
him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he
continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away
at his ears.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he
inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she
answers.
"Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he
demands.
"That's me before the
surgery."
--
Submitted
by Peg
A woman walks into a curio shop in San
Francisco. Looking around at the
exotica, she notices a very lifelike,
life-sized bronze statue of a
rat. It has no price tag, but is so
striking she decides she must have
it. She takes it to the owner: "How
much for the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred
dollars for the story," says the
owner.
The woman gives the shop owner twelve
dollars. "I'll just take the rat,
you can keep the
story."
As she walks down the street carrying his
bronze rat, she notices that a
few real rats have crawled out of alleys
and sewers, and begun following
her down the street. This is a bit
disconcerting, so she begins walking
a little faster. Within a couple
blocks, the group of rats behind her
grows to over a hundred, and they begin
squealing. She starts to trot
toward the Bay. She takes a nervous
look around and sees that the rats
now number in the thousands, maybe
millions and they are all squealing
and coming toward her faster and
faster. Now terrified, she runs to the
edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze
rat as far out into the Bay as
she can. Amazingly, the millions of
rats all jump into the Bay after
it, and are all
drowned.
The woman walks back to the curio shop.
"Ah ha," says the owner, "I'll
bet you have come back for the
story?"
"No," said the woman, "I came back to see
if you have a bronze Republican."
--
Submitted
by Jaime
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office
sent an inspector to audit the
books of a synagogue. While he was
checking the books he turned to the
Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot
of candles. What do you do with
the candle
drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi.
"We save them up and send them back
to the candle makers, and every now and
then they send us a free box of
candles."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat
disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
"What about all these matzo
purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing
that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable
question. "We collect them and send them
back to the manufacturers, and every now
and then they send a free box
of matzo balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking
hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well,
Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with
all the leftover foreskins from the
circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered
the Rabbi. "What we do is save
up all the foreskins and send them to the
Tax Office, and about once a
year they send us a complete
dick."
--
Submitted
by Don in Sacramento
A man goes into the unemployment office
in San Francisco to look at
job openings on the bulletin board. Since
there aren’t many jobs it
doesn’t take him long. Then, just as he’s
on his way out, he spots
something.
“Wanted,” it says, “Single man, willing
to travel, must have own
scissors. $500 per day, guaranteed, plus
company car and all expenses.”
Well, it sounds a bit too good to be
true, but he makes a note and
walks up at the counter. “I’d like to
apply for this job,” he says,
“reference number
E78446.”
“Oh, that one,” says the clerk. That is a
model agency right here
in San Francisco. They are
looking for a pubic hair snipper. The agency
supplies girls who model underwear and
bathing suits. Before they go on
the catwalk, they’d report to you and you
would inspect them carefully
and snip off any wisps of pubic hair
showing. It pays well, but there
are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a
lot of travel. The Bahamas,
Tahiti, Paris, London ... that sort of
thing... and you have to get
used to expense account living in
first-class hotels.”
“I reckon I could learn to live with all
that,” says the fellow. "I’d
really like to apply for the job.” The
clerk shrugs and says, “OK,
here’s an application form and a bus
ticket to Reno.”
“RENO? What do I wanna go to Reno
for?”
“Well,” says the clerk, “that’s where the
end of the application line
is at the moment!”
--
Submitted
by John
A gorgeous young redhead goes into
the doctor's office and says that
her body hurts wherever she touches
it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show
me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on
her left breast and screams,
then she pushes her elbow and screams
in even more agony.
She pushes her knee and screams;
likewise she pushes her ankle and
screams. Everywhere she touches
makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really
a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually
a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your
finger is broken."
--
From
Michael Krasny
A guy walks into his living room carrying
a very well groomed fluffy white sheep under his arm and says, "This is the pig
I make love to when you're not around."
His wife is sitting there and says,
"That's a sheep, not a pig, you dumb ass."
He responds, "Shut up!! I wasn't talking
to you."
--
Submitted
by Fred
A man is getting into the shower just as
his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. The wife
quickly wraps herself in a towel
and runs downstairs. When she opens the
door, there stands Bob, the
next-door neighbor. Before she says a
word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to
drop that towel." After thinking for a
moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob. After a few
seconds, Bob hands her $800
and leaves. The woman wraps back up in
the towel and goes back
upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her
husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob, the next-door
neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" The husband says, "Did he say
anything about the $800 he owes me?"
--
Submitted by Jerry in San
Lorenzo
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship
and orders a Scotch with two
drops of water. As the bartender
gives her the drink she says, "I'm on
this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday
and it's today." The bartender
says "Well, since it's your birthday,
I'll buy you a drink. In fact,
this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the
woman to her right says, "I would
like to buy you a drink,
too."
The old woman says, "Thank you.
Bartender, I want a Scotch with two
drops of water."
"Coming up," says the
bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to
her left says, "I would like to
buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you.
Bartender, I want another Scotch with
two drops of
water."
"Coming! right up," the bartender
says.
As he gives her the drink, he says,
"Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why
the Scotch with only two drops of
water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when
you're my age, you've learned how to
hold your liquor. Holding your water,
however, is a whole other issue."
--
Submitted
by Jim
A guy walks into a bar with his pet
alligator, puts the gator up on the
bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open
this alligator’s mouth and place
my genitals inside, leave ’em there for
five minutes, then remove my
unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a
drink?"
The crowd murmurs its approval, so he
gets up on the bar, drops his
pants, and places his privates in the
alligator’s open mouth. The gator
then closes its mouth as the crowd
gasps.
After five minutes, the man grabs a beer
bottle and raps the alligator
hard on the top of its head. The gator
opens its mouth and the man
removes his genitals -- unscathed, as
promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is
delivered.
"Anyone else have the guts to give it a
try?" the man dares the crowd.
After a few seconds, a blonde woman
timidly speaks up.
"I’ll do it, but no hitting me on the
head with the bottle."
--
Submitted by Jerry in San
Lorenzo
A guy walks into the local welfare office
for his monthly check.
He marches straight up to the
counter and says, "Hi. You know, I
just HATE coming in here drawing welfare
month after month. I'd really
much rather have a
job".
The social worker behind the counter
says, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very
wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho-maniac
daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply
all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll
have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a
year."
The guy says, "You're b.s.'ing
me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you
started it."