From Mickey Luckoff
A rabbi and a priest are seated next to each other on a non-stop flight
cross-country. Shortly after takeoff, the priest tries to start up a
conversation with the rabbi and asks him, “Say rabbi, is it still a part
of your faith that you cannot eat pork?”
The rabbi says, “Yes father, pork is still a forbidden food”.
Then the priest asks, “So, have you ever fallen and eaten pork?”
“Yes, I did have pork once”, replies the Rabbi.
They both get quiet again, and a little while later the Rabbi
asks, “Father, is it still a part of your faith that promotes celibacy
The priest says, “Yes, for all men of the cloth”. The rabbi then asks, “So, have you even broken your celibacy?”
“Yes, I have fallen to the pleasures of the flesh once”, replies the priest.
They get quiet again until the rabbi says, “Sure as hell beats a ham sandwich huh?”
Submitted by Gerry in San Ramon
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!" The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer." The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more
outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your
Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and
every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
Submitted by Susan in Mill Valley
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife.
He went to a psychiatrist to discuss the problem.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and gave him a
book on assertiveness. After finishing the book, the man went home,
stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in
her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man
of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet
meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my dinner, I expect a
sumptuous dessert. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath
so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to
dress me and comb my hair?"
"The funeral director," his wife answered.
From Chicago Steve Barkley
What do you call a black guy who's flying an airplane?
A pilot you racist.
Submitted by Sherry in Newark
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest
little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's
on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft
and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
leans forward and says in a quiet voice,"I don't think my python weally
gives a thit."
Submitted by Susan in Mill Valley
A young couple is about to get married. The groom's father took him
aside and said, "Son, to have a happy marriage, you have to establish
who's in charge. On the first night of our honeymoon, I handed your
mother my pants and had her try them on. She said they didn't fit. I
told her "That's right! I wear the pants in the family, and as long as
you remember that, we'll both be happy!" and we've been happy ever since."
Well, the first night after the wedding, the new groom gave his new
bride his pants. "Try these on".
"They're too big, and they don't fit."
"That's right", he said, "I wear the pants in the family, and as long as
you remember that, we'll both be happy."
The new bride handed him her pants, and said "Try these on."
"They're too small. I can't get in your pants."
"That's right", she said, "and as long as you keep that attitude, you
Submitted by Peter
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I
take her out to some place expensive...................
So I took her to a gas station.
Submitted by Sherry in Newark
A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs
to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few
questions. He gets her name, address, social security number, etc.,
and then asks ... "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a whore," she says.
The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no, that will never work.
That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase".
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that is still too crude. Try again."
They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a
whore or a call girl?"
"Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."
Submitted by Michael in San Francisco
Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower
father was about to die, Dick decided he needed a
woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar
and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty
took his breath away.
"Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said,
walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my
father will pass and I'll inherit over 20 million
The woman went home with Dick, and four days later she
became his stepmother.
Men will never learn.
Submitted by Curtis
Today is my daughters 18th birthday.......
I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment. Month after
month, year after year, those ... payments! So I called my baby girl to
come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby
girl, I want you to take this last check over to your mothers house and
tell that her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from
me, and I want you tell me the expression on her face."
So my baby girl took the check over to her.
I was so anxious to hear what the witch had to say and what she looked like.
As my baby girl walked though the door, I said, "Now what did she have
"She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy..."
Submitted by Tom at PG&E
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern
Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the
road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and
asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of
thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in
vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman
just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying
every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
"What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the
brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. speaking with
the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said, "Good trade."
Submitted by Craig in Davis
After a long night of making love to his date, a guy notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.
"Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ears.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."
Submitted by Peg
A woman walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the
exotica, she notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a
rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking she decides she must have
it. She takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"
"Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars for the story," says the
The woman gives the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat,
you can keep the story."
As she walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, she notices that a
few real rats have crawled out of alleys and sewers, and begun following
her down the street. This is a bit disconcerting, so she begins walking
a little faster. Within a couple blocks, the group of rats behind her
grows to over a hundred, and they begin squealing. She starts to trot
toward the Bay. She takes a nervous look around and sees that the rats
now number in the thousands, maybe millions and they are all squealing
and coming toward her faster and faster. Now terrified, she runs to the
edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as
she can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after
it, and are all drowned.
The woman walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "I'll
bet you have come back for the story?"
"No," said the woman, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican."
Submitted by Jaime
At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the
books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the
Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with
the candle drippings?"
"Good question," noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back
to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual
question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:
"What about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"
"Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to
trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them
back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box
of matzo balls."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster
the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with
all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save
up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a
year they send us a complete dick."
Submitted by Don in Sacramento
A man goes into the unemployment office in San Francisco to look at
job openings on the bulletin board. Since there aren’t many jobs it
doesn’t take him long. Then, just as he’s on his way out, he spots
“Wanted,” it says, “Single man, willing to travel, must have own
scissors. $500 per day, guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses.”
Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, but he makes a note and
walks up at the counter. “I’d like to apply for this job,” he says,
“reference number E78446.”
“Oh, that one,” says the clerk. That is a model agency right here
in San Francisco. They are looking for a pubic hair snipper. The agency
supplies girls who model underwear and bathing suits. Before they go on
the catwalk, they’d report to you and you would inspect them carefully
and snip off any wisps of pubic hair showing. It pays well, but there
are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas,
Tahiti, Paris, London ... that sort of thing... and you have to get
used to expense account living in first-class hotels.”
“I reckon I could learn to live with all that,” says the fellow. "I’d
really like to apply for the job.” The clerk shrugs and says, “OK,
here’s an application form and a bus ticket to Reno.”
“RENO? What do I wanna go to Reno for?”
“Well,” says the clerk, “that’s where the end of the application line
is at the moment!”
Submitted by John
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that
her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams,
then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony.
She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and
screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
From Michael Krasny
A guy walks into his living room carrying a very well groomed fluffy white sheep under his arm and says, "This is the pig I make love to when you're not around."
His wife is sitting there and says, "That's a sheep, not a pig, you dumb ass."
He responds, "Shut up!! I wasn't talking to you."
Submitted by Fred
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel
and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the
next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to
drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and
stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800
and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"
"It was Bob, the next-door neighbor," she replies.
"Great!" The husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Submitted by Jerry in San Lorenzo
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two
drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on
this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today." The bartender
says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact,
this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would
like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two
drops of water."
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to
buy you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with
two drops of water."
"Coming! right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why
the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to
hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
Submitted by Jim
A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the
bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator’s mouth and place
my genitals inside, leave ’em there for five minutes, then remove my
unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?"
The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his
pants, and places his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator
then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps.
After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator
hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man
removes his genitals -- unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered.
"Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd.
After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up.
"I’ll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."
Submitted by Jerry in San Lorenzo
A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check.
He marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I
just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd really
much rather have a job".
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho-maniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."
The guy says, "You're b.s.'ing me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."