From MickeyLuckoff

 

 A rabbi and a priest are seated next toeach other on a non-stop flight

 cross-country.  Shortly aftertakeoff, the priest tries to start up a

 conversation with the rabbi and askshim, “Say rabbi, is it still a part

 of your faith that you cannot eat pork?”

 

 

 The rabbi says, “Yes father, pork is still a forbiddenfood”. 

 

 

 Then the priest asks, “So, have you ever fallen and eaten pork?”

 

 

 “Yes, I did have pork once”, replies the Rabbi. 

 

 

 They both get quiet again, and a little while later the Rabbi

 asks, “Father, is it still a part ofyour faith that promotes celibacy

 among priests?”

 

 

 The priest says, “Yes, for all men of the cloth”.  The rabbithen asks, “So, have you even broken your celibacy?”

 

 

 “Yes, I have fallen to the pleasures of the flesh once”, repliesthe priest. 

 

 

 They get quiet again until the rabbi says, “Sure as hell beats aham sandwich huh?”

 

 

--

 

Submittedby Gerry in San Ramon

 

 The judge says to a double-homicidedefendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with ahammer."  A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "Youbastard!"  The judge says, "You're also charged with beatingyour mother-in-law to death with a hammer."  The voice in the back ofthe courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

 

 The judge stops and says to the guy inthe back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger andfrustration at this crime.  But no more

 outbursts from you, or I'll charge youwith contempt.  Is that understood?"

 

 The guy in the back of the court standsup and says, "I'm sorry, Your

 Honor, but for fifteen years, I've livednext door to that bastard, and

 every time I asked to borrow a hammer,he said he didn't have one."

 

 --

 

 Submitted by Susan in Mill Valley

 

 A mild-mannered man was tired of beingbossed around by his wife.

 He went to a psychiatrist to discuss theproblem.

 

 The psychiatrist said he needed to buildhis self-esteem and gave him a

 book on assertiveness. After finishingthe book, the man went home,

 stormed into the house and walked up tohis wife. Pointing a finger in

 her face, he said, "From now on, Iwant you to know that *I* am the man

 of this house, and my word is law! Iwant you to prepare me a gourmet

 meal tonight, and when I'm finishedeating my dinner, I expect a

 sumptuous dessert. Then, after dinner,you're going to draw me my bath

 so I can relax. And when I'm finishedwith my bath, guess who's going to

 dress me and comb my hair?"

 

 "The funeral director," hiswife answered.

 

 ---

 

FromChicago Steve Barkley

 

 What do you call a black guy who'sflying an airplane?

 

 

 A pilot you racist.

 

 --

 

 Submitted by Sherry in Newark

 

 A precious little girl walks into a petshop and asks in the sweetest

 little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter,do you keep widdle wabbits?"

 

 As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he getsdown on his knees so that he's

 on her level, and asks, "Do youwant a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft

 and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe onelike that cute widdle bwown wabbit

 over there?"

 

 She, in turn blushes, rocks on herheels, puts her hands on her knees,

 leans forward and says in a quietvoice,"I don't think my python weally

 gives a thit."

 

 ---

 

Submittedby Susan in Mill Valley

 

 A young couple is about to get married.The groom's father took him

 aside and said, "Son, to have ahappy marriage, you have to establish

 who's in charge. On the first night ofour honeymoon, I handed your

 mother my pants and had her try them on.She said they didn't fit. I

 told her "That's right! I wear thepants in the family, and as long as

 you remember that, we'll both behappy!" and we've been happy ever since."

 

 Well, the first night after the wedding,the new groom gave his new

 bride his pants. "Try theseon".

 "They're too big, and they don'tfit."

 "That's right", he said,"I wear the pants in the family, and as long as

 you remember that, we'll both behappy."

 

 The new bride handed him her pants, andsaid "Try these on."

 "They're too small. I can't get inyour pants."

 

 "That's right", she said,"and as long as you keep that attitude, you

 never will."

 

 --

 

Submittedby Peter

 

 When I got home last night, my wifedemanded that I

 take her out to some placeexpensive...................

 

 So I took her to a gas station.

 

 --

 

 Submitted by Sherry in Newark

 

 A woman walks into an accountant'soffice and tells him that she needs

 to file her taxes.

 

 The accountant says, "Before webegin, I'll need to ask a few

 questions.  He gets her name,address, social security number, etc.,

 and then asks ... "What is youroccupation?"

 

 "I'm a whore," she says.

 

 The accountant balks and says, "No,no, no, that will never work.

 That is much too crass. Let's try torephrase".

 

 The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-endcall girl."

 

 "No, that is still too crude. Tryagain."

 

 They both think for a minute, then thewoman states, "I'm an elite

 chicken farmer."

 

 The accountant asks, "What doeschicken farming have to do with being a

 whore or a call girl?"

 

 "Well, I raised over 5,000 littlepeckers last year."

 

 --

 

Submittedby Michael in San Francisco

 

 Due to inherit a fortune when hissickly, widower

 father was about to die, Dick decided heneeded a

 woman to enjoy it with. So he went to asingles bar

 and he searched until he spotted a womanwhose beauty

 took his breath away.

 

 "Right now, I'm just an ordinaryman," he said,

 walking up to her, "but within amonth or two, my

 father will pass and I'll inherit over20 million

 dollars."

 

 The woman went home with Dick, and fourdays later she

 became his stepmother.

 

 Men will never learn.

 

 --

 

 Submitted by Curtis

 

 Today is my daughters 18thbirthday.......

 

 I'm so glad that this is my last childsupport payment.  Month after

 month, year after year, those ...payments!  So I called my baby girl to

 come over to my house, and when she gotthere, I said to her, "Baby

 girl, I want you to take this last checkover to your mothers house and

 tell that her that this is the last checkshe's ever going to get from

 me, and I want you tell me theexpression on her face."

 

 So my baby girl took the check over toher.

 

 I was so anxious to hear what the witchhad to say and what she looked like.

 

 As my baby girl walked though the door, Isaid, "Now what did she have

 to say?"

 

 "She told me to tell you that youain't my daddy..."

 

 --

 

 Submitted by Tom at PG&E

 

 Sally was driving home from one of herbusiness trips in Northern

 Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajowoman walking on the side of the

 road.  As the trip was a long andquiet one, she stopped the car and

 asked the Navajo woman if she would likea ride. With a silent nod of

 thanks, the woman got into the car.Resuming the journey, Sally tried in

 vain to make a bit of small talk withthe Navajo woman. The old woman

 just sat silently, looking intently ateverything she saw, studying

 every little detail, until she noticed abrown bag on the seat next to

 Sally.

 

 "What's in the bag?" asked theold woman.  Sally looked down at the

 brown bag and said, "It's a bottleof wine. I got it for my husband."

 

 The Navajo woman was silent for anothermoment or two. speaking with

 the quiet wisdom of an elder, shesaid,   "Good trade."

 

 --

 

Submittedby Craig in Davis

 

 After a long night of making love to hisdate, a guy notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. Hebegins to worry.

 

 "Is this your husband?" henervously asks.

 "No, silly," she replies, snugglingup to him.

 "Your boyfriend, then?" hecontinues.

 

 "No, not at all," she says,nibbling away at his ears.

 "Is it your dad or yourbrother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

 

 "No, no, no!!!" she answers.

 "Well, who in the heck is he,then?" he demands.

 

 "That's me before thesurgery."

 

  --

 

Submittedby Peg

 

 A woman walks into a curio shop in SanFrancisco.  Looking around at the

 exotica, she notices a very lifelike,life-sized bronze statue of a

 rat.  It has no price tag, but isso striking she decides she must have

 it.  She takes it to the owner:"How much for the bronze rat?"

 

 "Twelve dollars for the rat, ahundred dollars for the story," says the

 owner.

 

 The woman gives the shop owner twelvedollars. "I'll just take the rat,

 you can keep the story."

 

 As she walks down the street carryinghis bronze rat, she notices that a

 few real rats have crawled out of alleysand sewers, and begun following

 her down the street.  This is a bitdisconcerting, so she begins walking

 a little faster.  Within a coupleblocks, the group of rats behind her

 grows to over a hundred, and they beginsquealing.  She starts to trot

 toward the Bay.  She takes anervous look around and sees that the rats

 now number in the thousands, maybemillions and they are all squealing

 and coming toward her faster andfaster.  Now terrified, she runs to the

 edge of the Bay, and throws the bronzerat as far out into the Bay as

 she can.  Amazingly, the millionsof rats all jump into the Bay after

 it, and are all drowned.

 

 The woman walks back to the curio shop."Ah ha," says the owner, "I'll

 bet you have come back for thestory?"

 

 "No," said the woman, "Icame back to see if you have a bronze Republican."

 

 --

 

Submittedby Jaime

 

 At the end of the tax year the TaxOffice sent an inspector to audit the

 books of a synagogue.  While he waschecking the books he turned to the

 Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy alot of candles.  What do you do with

 the candle drippings?"

 

 "Good question," noted theRabbi.  "We save them up and send them back

 to the candle makers, and every now andthen they send us a free box of

 candles."

 

 "Oh," replied the auditor,somewhat disappointed that his unusual

 question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:

  "What about all these matzopurchases?  What do you do with the crumbs?"

 

 "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi,realizing that the inspector was trying to

 trap him with an unanswerablequestion.  "We collect them and send them

 back to the manufacturers, and every nowand then they send a free box

 of matzo balls."

 

 "I see," replied the auditor,thinking hard about how he could fluster

 the know-it-all Rabbi.  "Well,Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with

 all the leftover foreskins from thecircumcisions you perform?"

 

 "Here, too, we do not waste,"answered the Rabbi.  "What we do is save

 up all the foreskins and send them tothe Tax Office, and about once a

 year they send us a complete dick."

 

 --

 

Submittedby Don in Sacramento

 

 A man goes into the unemployment officein San Francisco to look at

 job openings on the bulletin board.Since there aren’t many jobs it

 doesn’t take him long. Then, just ashe’s on his way out, he spots

 something.

 

 “Wanted,” it says, “Single man, willingto travel, must have own

 scissors. $500 per day, guaranteed, pluscompany car and all expenses.”

 Well, it sounds a bit too good to betrue, but he makes a note and

 walks up at the counter. “I’d like toapply for this job,” he says,

 “reference number E78446.”

 

 “Oh, that one,” says the clerk. That isa model agency right here

 in San Francisco.   They arelooking for a pubic hair snipper. The agency

 supplies girls who model underwear andbathing suits. Before they go on

 the catwalk, they’d report to you andyou would inspect them carefully

 and snip off any wisps of pubic hairshowing. It pays well, but there

 are a few drawbacks. It involves quite alot of travel. The Bahamas,

 Tahiti, Paris, London ... that sort of thing...and you have to get

 used to expense account living infirst-class hotels.”

 

 “I reckon I could learn to live with allthat,” says the fellow.  "I’d

 really like to apply for the job.” Theclerk shrugs and says, “OK,

 here’s an application form and a busticket to Reno.”

 

 “RENO? What do I wanna go to Reno for?”

 

 “Well,” says the clerk, “that’s wherethe end of the application line

 is at the moment!”

 

 --

 

Submittedby John

 

 A gorgeous young redhead  goes intothe doctor's office and says that

 her body hurts wherever she touches it.

 

 "Impossible!" says the doctor."Show me."

 

 The redhead takes her finger, pushes onher left breast and  screams,

 then she pushes her elbow and screamsin  even more agony.

 

 She pushes her knee  and screams;likewise she pushes her ankle and

 screams.  Everywhere she touchesmakes her scream.

 

 The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

 "Well,  no" she says,"I'm actually a blonde."

 "I thought so," the doctorsays. "Your finger is broken."

 

 --

 

FromMichael Krasny

 

 A guy walks into his living roomcarrying a very well groomed fluffy white sheep under his arm and says,"This is the pig I make love to when you're not around."

 

 His wife is sitting there and says,"That's a sheep, not a pig, you dumb ass."

 

 He responds, "Shut up!! I wasn'ttalking to you."

 

 --

 

Submittedby Fred

 

 A man is getting into the shower just ashis wife is finishing up her

 shower when the doorbell rings. The wifequickly wraps herself in a towel

 and runs downstairs. When she opens thedoor, there stands Bob, the

 next-door neighbor. Before she says aword, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to

 drop that towel." After thinkingfor a moment, the woman drops her towel and

 stands naked in front of Bob. After afew seconds, Bob hands her $800

 and leaves. The woman wraps back up inthe towel and goes back

 upstairs.

 

 When she gets to the bathroom, herhusband asks, "Who was that?"

 

 "It was Bob, the next-doorneighbor,"  she replies.

 

 "Great!" The husband says,"Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

 

 --

 

 Submitted by Jerry in San Lorenzo

 

 A lady goes to the bar on a cruise shipand orders a Scotch with two

 drops of water.  As the bartendergives her the drink she says, "I'm on

 this cruise to celebrate my 80thbirthday and it's today." The bartender

 says "Well, since it's yourbirthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact,

 this one is on me."

 

 As the woman finishes her drink, thewoman to her right says, "I would

 like to buy you a drink, too."

 

 The old woman says, "Thank you.Bartender, I want a Scotch with two

 drops of water."

 

 "Coming up," says thebartender.

 

 As she finishes that drink, the man toher left says,  "I would like to

 buy you one, too."

 

 The old woman says, "Thank you.Bartender, I want another Scotch with

 two drops of water."

 

 "Coming! right up," thebartender says.

 

 As he gives her the drink, he says,"Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.  Why

 the Scotch with only two drops ofwater?"

 

 The old woman replies, "Sonny, whenyou're my age, you've learned how to

 hold your liquor. Holding your water,however, is a whole other issue."

 

 --

 

Submittedby Jim

 

 A guy walks into a bar with his petalligator, puts the gator up on the

 bar, and faces the patrons. "If Iopen this alligator’s mouth and place

 my genitals inside, leave ’em there forfive minutes, then remove my

 unit unscathed, will each of you buy mea drink?"

 

 The crowd murmurs its approval, so hegets up on the bar, drops his

 pants, and places his privates in thealligator’s open mouth. The gator

 then closes its mouth as the crowdgasps.

 

 After five minutes, the man grabs a beerbottle and raps the alligator

 hard on the top of its head. The gatoropens its mouth and the man

 removes his genitals -- unscathed, aspromised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered.

 

 "Anyone else have the guts to giveit a try?" the man dares the crowd.

 After a few seconds, a blonde womantimidly speaks up.

 

 "I’ll do it, but no hitting me onthe head with the bottle."

 

 --

 

 Submitted by Jerry in San Lorenzo

 

 A guy walks into the local welfareoffice for his monthly check.

 He marches straight up  to thecounter and says, "Hi. You know, I

 just HATE coming in here drawing welfaremonth after month. I'd  really

 much rather have a job".

 

 The social worker behind the countersays, "Your timing is excellent. We

 just got a job opening from a verywealthy old man who wants a

 chauffeur/bodyguard for hisnympho-maniac daughter.  You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, buthe'll supply all of your clothes.  Because of the long hours, meals willbe provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holidaytrips.  You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The startingsalary is $200,000 a year."

 

 The guy says,  "You'reb.s.'ing me!"

 

 The social worker says, "Yeah,well, you started it."