R&B Joke Hour, February 29, 2008

Dr. Bill Wattenburg's Joke:

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in

the  family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a
fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with
which to share his fortune.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I
may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a
few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

Impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later,
she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at estate planning than men.

Sandy in Salinas' Joke:

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly
Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are
all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on earth has a
Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never
moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire
life."

"Where's George Bush's clock?" asked the man.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

Sherry in Newark's Joke:

Jose and Carlos are panhandlers...... They panhandle in different
areas of town.

Carlos panhandles just as long as Jose but only collects 8 - 9 dollars
every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 bills, drives a Mercedes,
lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend.

Carlos says to Jose "I work just as long and hard as you do but how do
 you bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day?".

Jose says, ... "Look at your sign, what does it say"?

 Carlos' sign reads, 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support'

 Jose says, "No wonder you only get $8 - 9 dollars."

 Carlos says... "So what does your sign say?"

 Jose shows Carlos his sign...... It reads:

"I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico!"

Chris in Santa Rosa's Joke:

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation.

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention
is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more! .
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more,

You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig,"  she retorted indignantly.

"In this country. we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.  "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a
justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

Dana in Fremont's Joke:

I recently turned 50 and had to choose a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, she said I was doing
"fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her,
"Do you think I will live to be 75?"

She asked: "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

 "Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"

 I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".

 "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

 I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?"

 "No, I don't," I said.

 "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

 "No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

 She looked at me and asked, "Then why do you give a shit?"

Larry's Joke:

A Marine fighter pilot walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a
very attractive woman.  He gives her a quick glance then casually
looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was
just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch?  What's so
special about it?"

The Marine pilot explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically. "

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."

"The woman giggles and replies, "Well, it must be broken because I am
wearing panties!"

The Marine pilot grins a little, taps his watch and says, "damn
thing's an hour fast."

Dr. Bill Wattenburg's Joke:


During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good
manners, asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,
how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The teacher responded
by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."

"What about you Peter, how would you say it?" Peter said, "I am sorry,
but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." "That's
better, but it 's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the
dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us
your good manners?" "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for
a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine….

(long pause and a smile) …..


whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."

(The teacher fainted......)
 

Tim's Joke:


When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I
decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time
 and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was
totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became
so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with
her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So
I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted
firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she
divorced me and took everything I owned.


I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.

Bill in San Francisco's Joke


A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling
back and forth.

A cop on the beat sees him and approaches .. "Can I help you sir?"

"Yessh ! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr," ... the man replies.

The cop asks ... "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

"It wasss on the end of thisshh key," the man replies.

About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weener hanging
out of his fly for all the world to see.

He asks the man, "Sir, are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"

Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without
missing a beat, blurts out ...

"I'll be damned .. ... My girlfriend's gone, too!!

Jean in Fremont's Joke:


Lulu was a prostitute. One day there was a raid.  All the prostitutes
were lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by
one.

As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and
was so ashamed, because Grandma didn't know her occupation.  Grandma
stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for.  Lulu, saving
face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those
waiting.  Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end
of the line.

When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed.
He said,  "How the heck do you do this at your age?"
She said, "I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck'em dry!"

The policeman fainted!

Max in Martinez' Joke


Three Texas surgeons are playing a round of golf, and they're telling
stories about their most difficult surgeries, trying to one-up each
other.

The first surgeon says, "I had a woman who received third degree burns
in a chemical accident.  All I had to work with was some skin from her
buttocks, and she not only recovered fully, now she's a supermodel."

The second surgeon says, "That's nothing.  I worked on a farm boy who
lost both his hands in a combine accident.  All I had to work with
were chopped up bits of skin and bones, but I was able to put them
back together, reattach them and now he's grown up to be a concert
pianist."

The third surgeon says, "I've got you all beat.  I worked on a cowboy
who accidentally rode his horse off a cliff.  All I had to work with
was the horse's ass and the cowboy hat, and now he's President of the
United States."

Mike in Petaluma's Joke:


Poor Dave works hard at the office and spends
two nights each week bowling and plays golf
every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so
for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this
club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if
he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable
and says, "How did she know that you drink
Budweiser?"

"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the
golf club. I always have a Bud at the end of the
first nine, honey."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws
her arms around Dave, starts to rub herself all
over him and says, "Hi Davey, want your usual
table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and
storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside
her.

Dave tries desperately to explain how the stripper
must have mistaken him for someone else, but
his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs,
calling him every 4-letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Dave,
you picked up a real bitch this time !"

Rich's Joke:


A man wakes up in the hospital.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained
consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a
pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and
everything, but..... Something happened. I'm trying to break this
gently, but the fact is, your penis was chopped off in the wreck, and
we were unable to find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $45,000 in
insurance compensation coming to you, and we have the technology now
to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did -
better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $5000 an
inch."

The man perks up at this.
"So," the doctor says, "it's for you to decide how many inches you
want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean,
if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine
incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one
before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she
might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in
helping you make the decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.
"So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you in making the decision?"
"She has," says the man.
"And what is it?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting a new kitchen."

John in Hawaii's Joke:


Morty visits Dr. Saul, the veterinarian, and says, "My dog has a problem."

Dr. Saul, "So tell me about the dog and the problem."

"It's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty.

"He can talk?" the doubting doctor asks.

"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: "Irving, Fetch!"

Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and says,
"So why are you talking to me like that? You always order me around like I'm
nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me
sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with
all
the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck!
YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO,
it's
out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could
stretch
out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and
play dead for real for all you care!"

Dr. Saul is amazed. "This is remarkable! What could be the problem?"

Morty says, "Come on, Doc! He has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch', not
'Kvetch'"!

Alfred's Joke:


A man walks onto an airplane and takes his seat.  He looks up and
notices the most beautiful woman he has ever seen boarding the plane.
He is very nervous, and he soon realizes that she is walking down the
aisle toward him. When she takes the seat right next to him, he is
anxious to begin a conversation with her.  He asks, "Where are you
flying to today?"

She responds, "To the annual Nymphomaniac Convention in Chicago."
He is CRAZED with excitement!  Here is a gorgeous woman sitting next  to
him, and she's going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!!!!
"And what do you do at this meeting?" he asks.
"Well," she says, "we try to dissolve some of the popular myths about
sexuality."
"And what myths are those?" he goes on desperately.
She goes on to explain:

"Well, one popular myth is that African American men
are the most endowed, when in fact, it is the Native American man who
owns this trait.
Also, it is widely believed that the Frenchman is the best lover, when
actually it is men of Jewish descent who make the best lovers."

"Very interesting....." the man responds.
Suddenly, the woman becomes very embarrassed and blushes. "I'm sorry,"
she says, "I just feel so awkward discussing this with you when I
don't even know you!  What is your name?"

The man extends his hand with replies,
" Tonto Goldstein."

Saiful in Santa Rosa's Joke:

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had
checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death
certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And
did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the
doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death
certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The
doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar
on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

Ethan's Joke:

The latest poll taken by the office of the Governor of Texas asked
whether people who live in Texas think illegal immigration is a
serious problem:

30% of respondents answered: "Yes, it is a serious problem."

70% of respondents answered: "No es una problema serio. "

Dorothy's Joke:


Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to
have a last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her
manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in
each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I'm not wasting two of my
girls on them. They won't know the difference."

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and
take care of their business.

As they are walking home the first man says, "You know, I think my
girl was dead!"

"Dead?" says his friend, "Why do you say that?"

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."

His friend says, "Could be worse, I think mine was a witch."

"A witch ??....Why the hell would you say that?"

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck, and I gave
her a little bite, then she farted and flew out the window...

Took my teeth with her!!"

Tony's Joke:


TOP 10 THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY IN LAW, BUT AREN'T!

-----------------------------------------------

. Have you looked through her briefs?

. He is one hard judge!

. Counselor, let's do it in chambers.

. His attorney withdrew at the last minute.

. Is it a penal offense?

. Better leave the handcuffs on.

. For $200 an hour, she better be good!

. Can you get him to drop his suit?

. The judge gave her the stiffest one he could.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in law but isn't:

. Think you can get me off?

R&B Joke Hour, October 19, 2007

Brian Copeland's joke:

An elderly couple was driving cross-country from Florida to attend their granddaughter's wedding. Both were hard of hearing, but she was growing deaf as a post.

They pulled into a service station, and the attendant asked the man if he could help them. The old man replied, "Fill her up!". His wife said, "WHAT'D HE SAY?"

The old man said, "HE WANTED TO KNOW IF HE COULD HELP US. I TOLD HIM TO FILL IT UP!"

"Oooh...", she replied.

When the attendant had filled up the tank, he returned to the driver's side and said, "Will that be cash or charge?"

The old man passed him his charge card, and the old lady said, "WHAT'D HE SAY?"

The old man replied, "HE WANTED TO KNOW IF IT WAS CASH OR CHARGE, AND I TOLD HIM TO CHARGE IT!"

"Ohhh..", she said.

The attendant returned with the card, and while the man was signing, he  said, "I noticed from your license plates and your charge card  that  y'all are from Florida. I was in Florida once, and I can tell you that all I can remember about that trip was that I got the worse piece of ass down there that I've ever had."

The old man nodded, and took his card back. The old woman said, "WHAT'D HE SAY?"

The old man said, "HE SAYS HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU!"
 

Brian Banmiller's joke:

A husband and wife were scheduled to attend a Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the Halloween party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed; and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by her not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain, and as it was still early, decided to go to the party.

As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice woman he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His Wife went up to him and, being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed. So off they went to her car and made passionate love in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed. She began to wonder what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

'Oh, the same old thing. You know, I never have a good time when you're not there.'

Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'

He replied, 'I'll tell you; I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guy. So we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.

'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm.

To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my costume to your brother. He said he had the time of his life!'

Barbara's joke:

 Iranian president Mahmud Ahmadinejad calls President Bush and tells him, "George, I had a wonderful dream last night. I could see America, the whole beautiful country, and on each house I saw a banner."

"What did it say on the banner?" Bush asks. Ahmadinejad replies, "United States of Iran."

Bush says, "You know, Mahmud, I am really happy you called. Last night I had a similar dream. I could see all of Tehran, and it was more beautiful than ever. It had been rebuilt completely, and on each house flew an enormous banner."

"What could you see on the banners?" Ahmadinejad says.

Bush replies, "I don't know, I can't read Hebrew."

Brian Copeland's joke:

 Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe I won that election, but that it was your will that I did not serve. And I've come to understand that now."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, very good. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "I believe in forgiveness. I've sinned, but I've never held a grudge against my fellow man, and I hope no grudges are held against me."

God thinks for a second and says "You are forgiven, my son. Come and sit at my right."

God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

Hillary says, "I believe you're in my chair."

Barbara in San Jose's joke:

Sallie in Los Gatos' joke:

Mike in Petaluma's joke:

Richard's joke:

A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.

Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience.

Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. "Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."

The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."

Nancy's joke:

R&B Joke Hour, March 9, 2007

Submitted by Peter, San Francisco

Bush Light Bulb Joke

Q: How many Bush Administration officials does it take to screw in a
light bulb?

A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light bulb; it's conditions are
improving every day.

Any reports of its lack of incandescence are delusional spin from the
liberal media.

That light bulb has served honorably, and
anything you say undermines the lighting effect.

Why do you hate freedom?

====

Submitted by: Wendy in Aptos

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"

A little girl in the back row raised her hand and Said "All I want out
of life is four little animals, just like my mom always says."

The teacher asked "Really and what four little animals would that be?"

The little girl said. "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a
tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for it all."

====

Submitted by Peg in foster city:

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an attractive

woman he spotted dining alone. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman
and said, "This is from the gentleman seated over there," indicating the
sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and
decided to send a reply note to the man. The waiter, who was lingering for a
response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read:

"For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage,
a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants." After
reading the note,
the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note,
handed
it to the waiter and instructed him to return this to the woman.


It read:


"For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello, a BMW Z8, a Mercedes
and a Porsche Turbo in my garage.


There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account.


But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches
off. Just send the bottle back."

===

Submitted by Laura (no city)


All the obits written about Saddam were incomplete.  A corrected copy:


He was predeceased by two sons, Uday and Qusay, and is survived by 15  sons:

Sooflay, a restaurateur, Guday, who lives in Australia, Huray, a sports
fanatic, Sashay, who is gay, Kuntay and Kintay, twins living in Africa,
Sayhay, a baseball player, Ojay, a stalker and murderer, Gulay, a
singer  and entertainer, Ebay, an internet entrepreneur, Biliray, a
country  music star, Ecksray, a radiologist, Puray, a manufacturer of
kitchen  blenders, Raygay, who lives in Jamaica, and Tupay, who is bald,

and by  seven daughters, Lattay, a coffee shop owner, Bufay, a big
eater,  Dushay, owner of a feminine care products company, Phayray, an
actress,  Sapheway, a grocery store owner, Ollay, who lives in Mexico,
and Gudlay,  a prostitute.

There is reportedly another surviving son, Oyvay, but he has been
disowned by the family.

====

Submitted by Tom (no city)

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asks, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she
hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"


====

Submitted by Rob (no city)

 A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

     CHEESEBURGER:  $1.50

CHICKEN SANDWICH :  $2.50

        HANDJOB:  $10.00


Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar
and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive women serving
drinks to an eager looking group of men.


“Yes?” she inquires with a knowing smile, “can I help you?”


“I was just wondering,” whispers the man, “are you the one who gives the
hand jobs?”


“Yes,” she purrs, “I am.”


The man replies, “Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”

====

Submitted by Mike in Petaluma


My wife and I were sharing a bottle of wine when
I said, "I bet you can't tell me something
which will make me happy and sad at the same time".

My wife thought for a few moments, then said,

"Your penis is a little bigger than your brother's".

===

Submitted by Stan in Belmont

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very
sexy nightie. "Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you
want."  So he tied her up and went golfing.

===
Submitted by Bob in San Mateo

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside
and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.

"We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard!

You've been playing golf!"

===

Submitted by Lois in Millbrae

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about
the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third
remains quiet.
 After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

 The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came
to me on her hands and knees."

 The first two guys were amazed. "What happened then?" they asked. "She
said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man."


====

Submitted by Phyllis in San Jose

A missionary gets sent into deepest, darkest Africa and goes to live
with a tribe therein. He spends years with the people, teaching them to
read, write and the good Christian ways of the white man. One thing he
particularly stresses is the evils of sexual sin. Thou must not commit
adultery nor fornication!!

One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white
child. The village people are shocked and the chief is sent by his
people to talk with the missionary.

"You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black woman
gave birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever
set foot in our village. It doesn't take a genius to work out what has
been going on!"

The missionary replies: "No, no, my good man. You are mistaken. What you
have here is a natural occurrence - what is called an albino. Look to
thy yonder field. See a field of white sheep, and yet amongst them is
one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses for a moment then says
"Tell you what, you don't say anything about the sheep, I won't say
anything about the white child"!

===

Submitted by Bob in Pleasanton

In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the head of a
penis was bigger than the rest of it. After one year and $180,000.00,
they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to
give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own. After
$250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was
to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study.
After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to
keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.


====
 Submitted by Roseanne (no city)

A woman had been married three times and was still a virgin. Somebody
asked her how that could be possible.

"Well," she said. "The first time I married an octogenarian and he died
before we could consummate the marriage."

"The second time I married a naval officer and war broke out on our
wedding day."

"The third time I married a Microsoft Windows programmer and he just sat
on the edge of the bed and kept telling me how good it was going to be."

====

Submitted by Bill in Walnut Creek


Little Johnny, Billy and Tommy were walking home from school one warm
spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and backyards, they
happened to look through a hole in the fence of one of the yards where a
woman was sunbathing in the nude.

As they looked through the hole, Johnny suddenly started to scream, left
his friends and took off running for home.

The next day, as the three boys came home again, they found the same
hole in the fence and started to watch the woman. Again, after just a
few minutes, Johnny started screaming and ran off quickly.

On the third day, the boys were peeping into the hole in the fence again
after school, when Johnny turned around and started to run again. But
this time, Bill and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong.

Johnny replied, "My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked
woman, I would turn to stone...

And I started to feel a part of me getting awfully hard… "

====

Submitted by Barbara in Oakland

A Frenchman, an Italian and an American are heading off to war when the
Frenchman bragged that he made love to his wife 3 times last night to
say goodbye.

“Yeah, well I made love to my wife 6 times last night to say goodbye to
her,” the Italian boasted.

“What about you, Mr. American?” asked the Frenchman.

“I only made love to my wife once last night.”

“Is that all? What did she say this morning ?”

“Don’t stop!”

====

Submitted by Paul in San Lorenzo

Bill Clinton and the Pope die on the same day, but a mixup in the
afterlife paperwork sends them to the wrong places: the Pope goes to
hell and Bill goes to heaven. After a couple of days they fix this
problem and the Pope gets on the escalator to go to heaven and Bill gets
on the other to go to hell. The two pass each other on the way and Bill
asks, "How bad was it down there?" The Pope says, "Not that bad, kind of
hot and noisy, but I am glad to be going up to heaven now. There's one
thing up there I have been looking forward to." Bill asks, "What is
that?" The Pope replies, "I want to meet the Virgin Mary." Bill, shakes
his head sheepishly and whispers to the Pope, "Too late."

====

Stanley in San Bruno

As you are aware, ships have long been characterized as being female
(e.g., "Steady as she goes" or "She's listing to starboard, Captain!")
Recently, a group of computer scientists (all males) announced that
computers should also be referred to as being female. Their reasons for
drawing this conclusion follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are female:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as,
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to
tell you."
4. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later
retrieval.
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.

===

Submitted by Jim in Hayward

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think
of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible and that the
entirety of the human experience could be found there.

After the service, he was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I
don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and
that he would look for it.

The following week after service, the preacher called the woman aside
and showed her a passage which read, . . .

"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

===

Submitted by Bob in Oakland

Hidden Talents

These two buddies are sitting at the bar in a singles' club and talking
about another guy sitting at the other end of the bar. "I don't get it,"
complained the first guy, "He's not good looking, he has absolutely no
taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he always
manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!" "Yeah," replies
his buddy, "He's not even a very good conversationally, all he does is
sit there and lick his eyebrows."

===

Submitted by San Mateo

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes....how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How did
you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

====

Submitted by John in Fremont

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations
at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with
the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he
dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There
sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he
cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and
the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up
all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a
bastard in the family than a lawyer."

----

Submitted by Rick in Hayward

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000
and felt really good about the result. On her way home she stopped at a
dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales
clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch, and asked the order taker
the same question, to which the reply was, "Oh you look about 29?"
"I am actually 47." That made her feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was
young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up
your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."

As there was no one around, the woman thought, "What the hell", and let
him slip his hand up her skirt. After feeling around for a while, the
old man said, "Ok, You are 47."

Stunned the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds!"


=====

Barbara in Berkeley

Johnnie Cochran was duck hunting in Montana recently, when he attempted
to cross a fence into a field to retrieve a duck he had shot. A farmer
suddenly pulled up in his pick-up truck, jumped out, and asked Mr.
Cochran what he was doing on his property.

"Retrieving a duck that I just shot," he replied.

"That duck is on my side of the fence, so now it's mine," replied the
farmer.

Mr. Cochran asked the farmer if he recognized who he was talking to.

"No," replied the farmer. "I don't know, and I don't care."

"I am Johnnie Cochran, famous lawyer from Los Angeles," came the reply.
"I am the lawyer that got O.J. Simpson off. I'm the reason he is a free
man today. And if you don't let me get that duck, I can sue you for your
farm, your truck, and everything else you own. I'll leave you penniless
on the street."

"Well," said the farmer, "In Montana the only law we go by is the '3
kicks law'."

"Never heard of it," said Johnnie.

The farmer said, "I get to kick you 3 times, and if you make it back to
your feet and are able to kick me back 3 times, that duck is yours."

Cochran thought this over. He grew up in a tough neighborhood and
figured he could take this old farmer. "Fair enough," he said.

So the farmer kicked Johnnie violently in the groin. As he was doubling
over, the farmer kicked him in the face, and when he hit the ground, he
kicked him hard in the ribs. Several moments later, Johnnie slowly made
it back to his feet.

"All right, now it's my turn", said Johnnie.

"Aw, forget it," said the farmer. "You can have the duck."
 

R&B Joke Hour, October 27, 2006

Submitted by Jim in Boulder Creek

Mowing and Beer

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and
watching my wife mow the lawn.

The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came
over and shouted at me,

"You should be hung!"

I took a drink from my can of Bud Light, wiped the cold foam from my
lips, lifted my darkened Ray Ban sunglasses and stared directly into the
eyes of this nosy ass neighbor and then calmly replied, "I am.  That's
why she cuts the grass."

===

Submitted by Moonbabe

GEORGE AND THE PARROT

Laura Bush bought her husband a parrot for his birthday.  She told Dick
Cheney, "The bird is so smart!  George has already taught him to
pronounce over 200 words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive", Cheney said, "but you realize that he
just says the words.  He doesn't really understand what they mean."

"That's OK", Laura replied.  "Neither does the parrot".

===

Submitted by Sherry in Newark

A man escapes from prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He
breaks into a house to look for money and guns.  Inside, he finds a
young couple in bed.  He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a
chair.  While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her,
kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.  While he's in
there, the husband whispers over to his wife:

"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict.  Look at his clothes!  He has
probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck.  If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
complain ... do whatever he tells you.  Satisfy him no matter how much
he nauseates you.  This guy is obviously very dangerous.  If he gets
angry, he could kill us both.  Be strong honey, I love you!"

His wife responds:  "He wasn't kissing my neck.  He was whispering in my
ear.  He told me he's gay, thinks you're cute and asked if we had any
Vaseline.  I told him it was in the bathroom.  Be strong honey, I love
you too!"

===

Submitted by Jim in Boulder Creek

A Country Funeral

As a young minister, I was asked by a funeral director to hold a
grave-side service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The
funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man
would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost; and being a
typical man did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I
saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was
nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers for my tardiness, and stepped to the side of
the open grave, where I saw the vault lid already in place. I assured the
workers I would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to
do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I poured out my
heart and soul.

As I preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and
"Glory," I preached, and I preached, like I'd never preached before:

 From Genesis all the way to Revelations.

I closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to my car.

As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the
workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen anything like that before and
I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

===

Submitted by Lynn

  1.  An invisible man married an invisible women - their children were
nothing to  look at.

 2. Two antennas got married. Their marriage  ceremony wasn't good, but their  reception was excellent.

=====

Submitted by Debbi in Benicia

What do you call a baby born in a whore house?

A brothel sprout!!

====

Submitted by Chuck in San Jose

President Bush is out jogging one morning, notices a little boy on the
corner with a box. Curious, he runs over to the child and says, "What's in
the box, kid?" The little boy says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."

Bush laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?" "Republicans," the
child says. "Oh, that's cute," Bush says and he runs off.

A couple of days later, Bush  is running with his buddy Senator Bill Frist
and he spies the same boy with his box just ahead. Bush says to Bill,
"You gotta check this out," and they both jog over to the boy with the box.
Bush says, "Look in the box Bill, isn't that cute? Look at those little
kittens.
Hey, kid, tell my friend the Senator what kind of kittens they are." The boy
replies, "They're Democrats."

"Whoa!" Bush says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were
Republicans. What's up?"

"Well," the kid says, "Their eyes are open now."

====

Submitted by Chuck in San Jose

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and
ordered a glass of champagne. The woman perks up and says,


"How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"


"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm
celebrating."


"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says
the woman.


"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked,


"What are you celebrating?"


"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"


"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years
all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized
eggs."


"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become
fertile?"


"I switched cocks," he replied.


She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

===

Submitted by Dan

Blood Lines

 On a train from London to Manchester, an American was
telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the compartment.

 "You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart too much. Look at
me... in me, I have Italian blood, French blood, a little Indian blood,
and some Swedish blood. What do you say to that?"

 The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."
===

Submitted by Dan

A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They
couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would
just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and
bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock
dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry
all of his purchases home. While he is scratching his head he was
approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked,
"Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?"

The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird
Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot."
The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket,
Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the
goose in your other hand?"
"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl
home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley
We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely
widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in
the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and
have your way with me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two
chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up
against the wall and do that?"
The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put
the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

===
 

Submitted by Marilyn

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car
and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through
her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" she finally asked.


The policewoman replied, It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is," she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
"Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."

===

Submitted by Jay

Texas Chivalry


       At Heathrow Airport in England, a 300-foot red carpet was
stretched out to Air Force One and President Bush strode to a warm but dignified
handshake from Queen Elizabeth II.

            They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central
London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white
horses.

            As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their
side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well.

            This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity.

            Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse
let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence ever
heard and the coach immediately filled with noxious fumes.

            Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries
did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a ridiculous
manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Bush and explained,

            "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I'm sure you
understand that  there are some things even a Queen cannot control."

            George W., ever the Texas gentleman, replied, "Your Majesty,
please don't give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn't said something I would
have assumed it was one of the horses."

====

Submitted by Jay

            A small Alabama Wild Animal Park acquired a very rare
species of gorilla.

Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult
to handle.

            Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the
problem. The gorilla was in heat.

To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.

          Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of
Eddie, a redneck part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages.

         Eddie, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed
ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution.

Eddie was approached with a proposition.

          Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for $500.00?

          Eddie showed some interest, but said he would have to think
the matter over carefully.

          The following day, Eddie announced that he would accept their
offer, but onlyunder the following 3 conditions.

         "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips."

          The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.

          "Second," Eddie said, "you must never tell anyone about this."

         The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.

          And last of all Eddie stated, "You've got to give me another
week to come up with the $500.00."

===


 

===

Submitted by  John

What do you get when you cross Lassie with a cantelope?  Melancholy

===
Submitted by Tom


Paddy staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
Buddy, Mick. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Brigit.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and
he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket
broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Paddy sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked
in the hall mirror to see that his backside was cut and bleeding. He
managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a
Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the
now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Paddy woke up with searing pain in both his head and
backside and Brigit staring at him from across the room. She said, "You
were drunk again last night weren't you Paddy?"

Paddy said, "Why would you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Brigit said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood
trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."

===

Submitted by Tom


Billy Bob and Luther Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation.

Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different.

The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got  pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again.

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

===

Submitted by Al

Bono, the lead signer of the band U2 is famous throughout the entertainment
industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

He is playing a U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland when he asks the
audience for total quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands, once every
few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone,
"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice with a broad Scottish accent, from near the front of the crowd,
pierces the silence...

"Well, fucking stop it then!" 
===

Submitted by I.M.

So, this man walks into his psychiatrist's office wearing only Saran Wrap.
The psychiatrist looks at him and says, "clearly, I can see you're
nuts.

===

Submitted by Tony in Sunnyvale

An 18 year old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2
months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says "who was the pig that did
this to you?

I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house, a mature and
distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani
suit steps out of the
Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and
tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem.

I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take
charge.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a
townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a
$4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly
on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You fuck her again."

R&B Joke Hour, April 7, 2006

Submitted by Donna

A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do,"  the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
 
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

---

Submitted by Stan in Belmont

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilken, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilken shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilken said, "Give me! the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilken. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up she had  twenty, five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilken demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow ! "

---

Submitted by Ben

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two women and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf,  however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room,  he hears his little friend shouting out cries of  "Here I come again! One,  two, three, uh," all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"
The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get an erection."
The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the bed...."

---

Submitted by Mike in Vallejo

A guy sits down at the bar and orders 6 vodka shots.  "Rough day?" asks the bartender.  "Just found out my younger brother's gay," said the man.  "Well.... hang in there," said the bartender. 

The next day the same guy sits down at the bar and, again, orders 6 vodka shots. "Another rough day?" asks the bartender.  "I just found out my older
brother's gay, too, " said the man.  "Wow, that's a lot to deal with. Tell you what, this is on me," said the bartender. 

The very next day the same guy sits down at the bar and, once again, orders 6 vodka shots.  "Jesus, buddy," said the bartender.  "Doesn't anyone in your
family like women?"  The man looked up from his drink and said, "Yeah, my wife"!

---

Submitted by Sharon in Morgan Hill

As President Bush gets off the helicopter in front of the White House, he is carrying a baby pig  under each arm. The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs.  I got one for Vice President Cheney, and I got one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld."

The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."

---

Submitted by Ted in Pittsburg

Bob was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small black bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob.  Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said,

 "That was a big mistake, Bob. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or I have sex with you."

Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob.  Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

---

Submitted by Ethan

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.

To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor. "Do ye think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

---

Submitted by Bobbi in Chico

Guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.

"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."
 
The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the guy, smiling. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.  A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff -- grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

The guy is dumbfounded.  Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

---

Submitted by Kelly in Fremont

There were four sophomores taking chemistry and all had an "A" average so far.

The four friends were so confident, the weekend before finals, they decided to visit some friends and have a party. They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather, than take the final, they decided that after the final would have finished, they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They reported they visited friends but on the way back to campus they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final.

The Professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.

The guys were excited and relieved. They studied. The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem worth 5 points. Cool, they thought!  Each in separate rooms, thinking this was going to be easy.

Then they turned the page...

On the second page was written: "For 95 points: Which tire was flat?"
---

Submitted by Jeanne in Napa Valley

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer.  The three men had always done everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over." The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba." The mortician thought that was rather strange.

Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over." The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba." The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

 "What? He had two assholes?!" asked the mortician.

"Yup," said Gomer.   "Everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, Here comes Bubba with them two assholes."
---

Submitted by Peg in Foster City

Man goes into a cocktail lounge and approaches a blonde sitting by herself :

Man:  "May I buy you a cocktail?"

Lady:  "No thank you, alcohol is bad for my legs."

Man:  "Sorry to hear that.  Do they swell?"

Lady:  "No, they open!"

---

Submitted by Peg in Foster City

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event  hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the  Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

"The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, now tiring of trying to start up a conversation,  said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955!"

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
---

Submitted by Norm in Millbrae

A pompous Baptist minister was seated next to a cowboy in the first - class section of the plane on a flight to Texas.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too. I didn't know we had a choice."

---

Submitted by Tim in Mountain View

An older couple were having memory problems, and decided to consult with a "memory therapist."

Having a friend over for dinner, they told him about the therapist, and how satisfied they were with the results.
 
The friend expressed great interest, saying he may want to consult with the therapist also. "What's his name?" the friend inquired.
 
The man furrowed his brow for a few seconds, then said "What's the name of that ... thing on the end of a stem? ...  a flower ... usually red ... and the stem has thorns on it?"
 
 "A rose?" the friend responded.
 
 "THAT'S IT!" the man replied. Turning to his wife, he said "Rose, what was the name of that therapist?"

---

Submitted by Neil in San Francisco

There was a lot of controversy about 'Crash' winning Best Picture over 'Brokeback Mountain' at this year's Oscars, and there's one lesson to learn from this...that there's nothing wrong with coming in number two.

---

Submitted by Jim in Boulder Creek

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years.

Upon her return, her father cussed her. "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum through?

The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad....I became a prostitute...."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner!  You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad-- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $5 million savings certificate.

"For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for ye daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera and... "

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad.

Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff....a prostitute dad! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant'.  Come here and give yer old man a hug!"
---

Submitted by Norm in Alviso

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Home Depot when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that.  I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The second old guy says, "That's, OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does  your wife look like?

The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair,  blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts.  What does your wife look like?"

The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter ... let's look for yours.

---

Submitted by Paul in Fremont

A young farmer who had been dating for several years decided it was time to get married. He and his fiancee set the date. Now on the night before their wedding, he informed her, "I want you to promise me, after we are married, you will never look in the trunk of my car." She reluctantly agreed.

On their 40th Anniversary, her curiosity after all these years, got the best of her so she sneaked out and opened the trunk of her husband’s car. There she found 3 ears of corn and $20,000 in cash. She quickly closed the trunk and went back inside.

When her husband came in the room, she said to him, "Dear, I’m sorry. After all these years I broke the promise I made to you before our wedding and looked in the trunk of your car. I am truly sorry."

"But you promised," he said. "Why would you break your promise now?"

"I told you I was sorry. But what I don’t understand is what are the 3 ears of corn for."

"Well," her husband said, "every time I was unfaithful to you during our marriage, I threw an ear of corn in the trunk."

At first, his wife was quite upset. Then she realized that after 40 years of marriage, there were only 3 ears of corn in the trunk, so she said, "OK, OK.... but where did you get $20,000 in cash?"

"Well," he said, "every time I got a bushel of corn, I sold it."
---

Submitted by Jim in Boulder Creek

A lady walks into a drug-store and tells the pharmacist she needs some Cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need Cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord, have mercy - I can't give you Cyanide to kill your husband!  That's against the law!  I'll lose my license, they will throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen!  Absolutely not, you CANNOT have any Cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "Well, now. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

---

Submitted by Bob in San Rafael

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought  me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.

We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big f'ing red mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll buy me a diamond!

---

Submitted by Norm in Los Altos

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?

He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet." She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots." She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.  Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear them." She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said, "I stuffed them in the toes of my boots..."

---

Submitted by Judy

Please pass this on to any woman you care about...

A new scam is being pulled on women mainly in broad daylight.
What happens is that when the intended victim stops at a traffic light, an almost NUDE, good looking, tanned, muscled  young man comes up to her car and pretends to wash the  windshield.  While he is doing this, another young, handsome athletic man opens the back door of the car, jumps in and insists the woman drive off with him to some lonely spot,  where he has his way with her.

They are very good at this!

They got me three times Friday and five times Saturday

I couldn't find them on Sunday.
---

Submitted by Emily

After having dug to a depth of 1,000 meters last year, French scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1,000 years and came to the conclusion that their  ancestors had a telephone network all those centuries ago..

Not to be outdone by the French, English scientists dug to a depth of 2,000 meters and shortly after headlines in the U. K. newspapers read: "English archaeologists have found traces of 2,000-year-old fiber-optic cable and have concluded that their ancestors had an advanced high-tech digital communications network a thousand years earlier than the French."

 One week later, Israeli Newspapers reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 5,000 meters in a Jerusalem marketplace, scientists had found absolutely nothing. They, therefore, concluded that, 5,000 years ago, Jews  were already using wireless technology."
---

Submitted by Dave in Philly

What do you call oral sex that lasts for eight days?

Hanukah Lewinski!
---

Submitted by Mike in Danville

At Fiore'd Italia the other evening, a guy walks up to Ronn while he's  eating dinner.  "You're Ronn Owens!" he cries.  "I just can't tell you how much I enjoy your program."

"Well," suggests Ronn, "send over someone who can."

---

Submitted by Mike in Danville

Two businessmen, vacationing at Miami Beach were comparing notes.  One said, "I'm here on insurance money.  I collected $50,000 for fire damage."

"Me too," said the other man, "but I got $200,000 for flood damage."

There was a long thoughtful pause.  Then the first man asked, "Tell me, how do you start a flood?"
---

Submitted by Tim

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think  before she speaks.

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any?

We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked "So Bob, where's the 8 inches you promised me last night?"

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half of the crew did too they were laughing sooo hard!!
---
 

R&B Joke Hour, February 3, 2006

Submitted by Sam and Bobbi

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day.  We lost  track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy  together.  I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in  meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic."

Wow!"  I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now.  I'm a bit older and my energy is somewhat reduced since you last saw me!"

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.

"Yeah" I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.  She teased me, saying  that  tubby, easy-going men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a  great lover.

"Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to f*** off.

---

Submitted by Liz in Petaluma

To deal with the threat of bird flu, President Bush has ordered a  preemptive bombing of the Canary Islands.

---

Submitted by Liz in Petaluma

A Living Will

A  man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said  to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state,  dependent  on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His  wife  got  up,  unplugged  the TV and threw out all of his  beer

---

Submitted by Dan in Fremont

Bill Maher's Rules for 2006

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There's a  reason  you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly  like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description
 for these  kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care  about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole  aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery  taste.  You want flavored  water?  Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop messing with old people. Target is introducing a  redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is  now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his  ass  will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the  Social  Security crisis.

New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my  card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,  deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid  who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven  deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating,  because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned  exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already  doing  that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger, mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms,  I'll  go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old  television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote  so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason  something was a television show in the first place is that the idea  wasn't  good enough to be a movie.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for  weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab.  Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: and this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants.  After I  zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint. I can't even tell if he's supposed to be there, or just  some  freak with a fetish.  I don't want to be on your webcam, dude. I just want  to wash my hands.

---

Submitted by "MJ in Vacaville"

Why is the GOP leadership better than Viagra?

They have a Boehner without Delay.

---

Submitted by Johnie in San Jose

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.

The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something Very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock And brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, By check. " I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very  teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
---

Submitted by Pat

An elderly couple were in court.  The wife had shop lifted a can of peaches and the judge asked her why she took them.  “Because I was hungry.”  The judge asked her how many peaches were in the can.  “Six,  your honor."  With that the judge sentenced her to six days in jail.

As the judge was about to end the case her husband spoke up and asked if he could say something.  The judge said yes and her husband said,  “She stole a can of peas too.”

---

Submitted by Ted in Pittsburg

An old couple are having dinner at a restaurant and the husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

"Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

"Ok," he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!"

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.

Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The Policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing. I've got to ask them what their secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

The old man says, "Well, fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

---

Submitted by Penny

The First Time

The sky was dark
The moon was high
All alone just she and I

Her hair was soft
Her eyes were blue
I knew just what
She wanted to do

Her skin so soft
Her legs so fine
I ran my fingers
Down her spine

I didn't know how
But I tried my best
I started by placing
My hands on her breast

I remember my fear
My fast beating heart
But slowly she spread
Her legs apart

And when I did it
I felt no shame
All at once
The white stuff came

At last it's finished
It's all over now
My first time ever
At milking a cow.....


---

Submitted by Imhovey

A young man moved into a new apartment, and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.
 
The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

 Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
 
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears?  Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.   How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
 
Clearing his throat, he stammered  .... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."
  ---

Submitted by Tammy Jo in Belmont

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

"Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence. 

Then the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."

---

Submitted by Mary in Concord

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a  "Sniffing dog." His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search."  Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds.

Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the Agent’s arm.

The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat," replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.

The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" says his seatmate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to poop all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
---

Submitted by Mike in Castro Valley

Some put-downs:
 
- Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but you're abusing the privilege.

- The proctologist called. They found your head.

- If my dog looked as ugly as you, I'd shave its butt and teach it to walk backwards.

---

Submitted by Shauna in San Jose

A Super Bowl Joke

A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company.

Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium, he's closer to the Goodyear  Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yardline.

He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"  The man says "No."

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?!"  The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," said Joe, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?"

"No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."
---

Submitted by Mike

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asked her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and the woman said to her husband, "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm and let it go in the morning?"

He said, "Okay, get in the car with it."

"Where shall I put it to get it warm?"

He said, "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there."

"But what about the smell?"

"Just hold its nose."

The man is expected to recover, but the baby skunk she used to beat the s**t out of him died at the scene.
---

Submitted by Allan in San Jose

A lady goes to a doctor and asks him if it is possible to get pregnant via anal sex.

The doctor replies "Sure. Where do you think lawyers come from?"
---

Submitted by Mary Dee in Citrus Heights

A man in San Francisco manages to hail a cab immdiately during a downpour. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon."

"Who?" asks the passenger

"Sheldon Cohen. Now there's a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time."

"Well, no one is perfect," says the passenger.  "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

"Not Sheldon," said the cabbie. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the Pro Tennis Tour.  He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome and sophisticated, just like Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something! And not only that, somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy."

The cabbie continued.  "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday.  He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything.  Not like me. I can't change a fuse."

"Wow, incredible! No wonder you remember him!" said the passenger.

"Well, I never actually met Sheldon," admitted the cabbie.

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asked the passenger.

"After he died, I married his wife."

---

Submitted by James


After a long night of making love the guy rolls over and is  looking around, when he notices a framed picture of another man on the night stand by the bed. Naturally, he began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously. "No, silly," she  replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said,  nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he said, hoping to be reassured.

"No, no, no!!!" she said.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the surgery."
---

Submitted by Steve

Dave Letterman's Top Ten

Top Ten Signs You're A Gay Cowboy

10. "Your saddle is Versace"
 
9. "Instead of 'Home On The Range', you sing 'It's Raining Men'"

8. "You enjoy ridin', ropin', and redecoratin'"

7. "Sold your livestock to buy tickets to 'Mamma Mia'"

6. "After watching reruns of 'Gunsmoke', you have to take a cold shower"

5. "Native Americans refer to you as 'Dances With Men'"

 4. "You've been lassoed more times than most steers"

 3. "You're wearing chaps, yet your 'ranch' is in Chelsea"
 
 2. "Instead of a saloon you prefer a salon"
 
1. "You love riding, but you don't have a horse"
  ---

Submitted by Jeanne

FEMALE POEM

I want a man who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long
One who thinks before he speaks
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, he's not annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! For a man who makes love to my mind
And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MALE POEM

I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor store and a bass boat.

I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.

---

Submitted by  Leslie in San Francisco


Hi Ronn, my friend Helen passed the following news on to me:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin.

Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his; dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a  little flaky at times he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
---

Submitted by Kathleen in Danville

A PRAYER....

 Dear Lord,

I pray for wisdom to understand my man;
I pray for love to forgive him;
And for patience for his moods.
Lord,  I won't pray for strength,
Because if I do, I'll beat him to death.

AMEN
---

Submitted by Phil

CLASSIC 25  SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN  UP

1.   Having sex  in a twin bed is out of the question.

2.  You  keep more food than beer in the  fridge.

3.  6:00 AM  is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

4.  You hear your favorite song in an  elevator.

5. You  watch the Weather  Channel.

6.  Your  friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break  up."

7.  You go from  130 days of vacation time to 14.

8.  Jeans and a  sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

9.  You're the one calling the police because those %&@#  kids next door won't turn down the  stereo.

10. Older  relatives feel comfortable telling sex  jokes around  you.

11. You don't  know what time Taco Bell  closes anymore.

12.  Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go  up.

13. You feed  your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's  leftovers.

14.  Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

15. You take  naps.

16. Dinner  and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of  one.

17. Eating a  basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than  settle, your stomach.

18. You go  to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and  pregnancy  tests.

19. A $4.00  bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."

20.  You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

21.  "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to  drink that much  again."

22. 90% of  the time you spend in front of a computer is for real  work.

23. You drink  at home to save money before going to  a bar.

24.  When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them  instead of asking "Oh S*$# what the hell  happened?"

Bonus:

25:  You read this entire list looking  desperately for one sign that  doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old  butt.

---

Submitted by Tom and Tracy

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn.  He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns.  With his skin already starting to blister and seeing the severe pain he is in, the Doctor goes ahead and prescribes continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who is rather astounded, asks, "What good will Viagra do him, Doctor?

"It'll keep the sheets off his legs."
---

Submitted by Jeanne


Why, Why, Why

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.
---

Submitted by Mike in Petaluma

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail,  and then asks him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replies "150" and the  robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum  physics and spirituality,  biomimicry, environmental interconnectedness,  string theory, nano-technology and  sexual proclivities.

The  customer is very impressed and thinks, "This is really cool." He decides  to test the robot.

He walks out of the bar, turns around, and comes  back in for another drink. Again, the robot serves him the perfectly  prepared drink and asks him, "What's your IQ?"  The man responds,  "about a 100."

Immediately the robot starts talking, but this time,  about football, NASCAR, baseball, supermodels, favorite fast foods, guns,  and women's breasts.

Really impressed, the man leaves the bar and  decides to give the robot one more test. He heads out and returns, the  robot serves him and asks,  "What's your IQ?" The man replies, "Er, 50, I  think."

And the robot says... real slowly.... "So,...............  ya gonna vote for Bush again?"

---

Submitted by Jeanne

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected: A half-gallon of 2% milk, A carton of eggs,  A quart of orange juice,  A head of romaine lettuce, A 2 lb. can of coffee, And a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.

She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off  the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know  what, you're absolutely correct, but how on earth did you know  that?
.
.
.
.
.
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
---

From Kathy in Redwood City

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
 
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figures she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device...a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and quite large. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent jerk,"  She screamed at him, "How could you lie to me all of these years?  You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:  "I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

---
Submitted by Al

An ugly woman walks into a shop with her two kids.

The shopkeeper asks,  "Are they twins?"   The woman says,  "No .... he's 9 and she's 7.  Why?  Do you think they look alike?"

"No,"  he replies. "I just can't believe you got laid twice"!
 

---

Submitted by  George in Fremont

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

 He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very  closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?"
---

Submitted by Obie in San Francisco

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't!"  she exclaimed. "Yes, I did." he replied. "My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got  fired too."

---

Submitted by Paula in San Jose

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast  table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said. "We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."

Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.  "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal

---

Submitted by Tom

A guy walk's into a bar.  He has just been through the ringer with a terrible divorce ....his wife's attorney took him for big bucks.

"All attorneys are a bunch of jerks,"  he says, sitting down and ordering a beer.

A mean looking man at the end of the bar get's up.  He's very tall with broad shoulders.  Walking over to the guy he says, "Hey, I  take offense to that!"

"Why?" asks the guy.  "Are you a attorney?"

" NO! I am a jerk."
---

Submitted by Ethan Winning


The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest  man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet.  The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more  drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time: weight-lifters, longshoremen,  etc., but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice,  "I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed lemon, and squeezed away.  Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow.  But the  crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked  the little man: "What do you do for a living?  Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The little fellow replied: "I work for the United Jewish Appeal."

---

Bobby in San Carlos

Interesting Psychological Fact:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example:

If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.  However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to  prefer a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies in this area have been canceled.
---

Submitted by Mike in Petaluma

A lonely woman, aged 70, decided that it was time to get married.

She put an ad in the local paper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED!
 MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

On the second day she heard the doorbell.

Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheel chair. He had no arms or legs.

The old woman said, "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you....you have no legs!"

The old man smiled, "Therefore I cannot run around on you!"

She snorted "You don't have any hands either!"

Again the old man smiled, "Nor can I beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still good in bed?"

With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said,  "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

---

Jokes from 2005

Submitted by Sherry in Newark

 A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetestlittle lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter,  do you keep widdle wabbits?"

 As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

 She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

---

From Chicago Steve Barkley

What do you call a black guy who's flying an airplane?

A pilot you racist.

 ---

Submitted by Gerry in San Ramon

 The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."  A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"  The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."  The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"

 The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime.  But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt.  Is that understood?"

 The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

 ---

 Submitted by Susan in Mill Valley

 A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife. He went to a psychiatrist to discuss the problem.

 The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem and gave him a book on assertiveness. After finishing the book, the man went home, stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that *I* am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my dinner, I expect a sumptuous dessert. Then, after dinner, you're going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?"

 "The funeral director," his wife answered.

 ---

Submitted by Susan in Mill Valley

 A young couple is about to get married. The groom's father took him aside and said, "Son, to have a happy marriage, you have to establish who's in charge. On the first night of our honeymoon, I handed your mother my pants and had her try them on. She said they didn't fit. I told her "That's right! I wear the pants in the family, and as long as you remember that, we'll both be happy!" and we've been happy ever since."

 Well, the first night after the wedding, the new groom gave his new bride his pants. "Try these on."

 "They're too big, and they don't fit."

 "That's right", he said, "I wear the pants in the family, and as long as you remember that, we'll both be happy."

 The new bride handed him her pants, and said "Try these on."

 "They're too small. I can't get in your pants."

 "That's right", she said, "and as long as you keep that attitude, you never will."

 ---

 Submitted by Peter

 When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her out to some place expensive...................

 So I took her to a gas station.

 ---

 Submitted by Sherry in Newark

 A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

 The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions.  He gets her name, address, social security number, etc., and then asks ... "What is your occupation?"

 "I'm a whore," she says.

 The accountant balks and says, "No, no, no, that will never work. That is much too crass. Let's try to rephrase".

 The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."

 "No, that is still too crude. Try again."

 They both think for a minute, then the woman states, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."

 The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a call girl?"

 "Well, I raised over 5,000 little peckers last year."

 --

Submitted by Michael in San Francisco

 Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father was about to die, Dick decided he needed a

 woman to enjoy it with. So he went to a singles bar and he searched until he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

 "Right now, I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but within a month or two, my father will pass and I'll inherit over20 million dollars."

 The woman went home with Dick, and four days later she became his stepmother.

 Men will never learn.

 --

 Submitted by Curtis

 Today is my daughters 18thbirthday.......

 I'm so glad that this is my last child support payment.  Month after month, year after year, those ...payments!  So I called my baby girl to come over to my house, and when she got there, I said to her, "Baby girl, I want you to take this last check over to your mothers house and tell that her that this is the last check she's ever going to get from me, and I want you tell me the expression on her face."

 So my baby girl took the check over to her.

 I was so anxious to hear what the witch had to say and what she looked like.

 As my baby girl walked though the door, I said, "Now what did she have to say?"

  "She told me to tell you that you ain't my daddy..."

 ---

 Submitted by Tom at PG&E

 Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.  As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

 "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman.  Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said,   "Good trade."

 ---

Submitted by Craig in Davis

 After a long night of making love to his date, a guy notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry.

 "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

 "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

 "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

 "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ears.

 "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.

 "No, no, no!!!" she answers.

 "Well, who in the heck is he, then?" he demands.

 "That's me before the surgery."

  ---

Submitted by Peg

 A woman walks into a curio shop in San Francisco.  Looking around at the exotica, she notices a very lifelike, life-sized bronze statue of a rat.  It has no price tag, but is so striking she decides she must have it.  She takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?"

 "Twelve dollars for the rat, a hundred dollars for the story," says the owner.

 The woman gives the shop owner twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story."

 As she walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, she notices that a few real rats have crawled out of alleys and sewers, and begun following her down the street.  This is a bit disconcerting, so she begins walking a little faster.  Within a couple blocks, the group of rats behind her grows to over a hundred, and they begin squealing.  She starts to trot toward the Bay.  She takes a nervous look around and sees that the rats now number in the thousands, maybe millions and they are all squealing and coming toward her faster and faster.  Now terrified, she runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the Bay as she can.  Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned.

 The woman walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "I'll bet you have come back for the story?"

 "No," said the woman, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican."

 ---

 Submitted by Jaime

 At the end of the tax year the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.  While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said, "I notice you buy a lot of candles.  What do you do with the candle drippings?"

 "Good question," noted the Rabbi.  "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

 "Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way:  "What about all these matzo purchases?  What do you do with the crumbs?"

 "Ah, yes," replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.  "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls."

 "I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.  "Well, Rabbi," he went on, "what do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

 "Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Rabbi.  "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."

 ---

Submitted by Don in Sacramento

 A man goes into the unemployment office in San Francisco to look at job openings on the bulletin board. Since there aren’t many jobs it doesn’t take him long. Then, just as he’s on his way out, he spots something.

 “Wanted,” it says, “Single man, willing to travel, must have own scissors. $500 per day, guaranteed, plus company car and all expenses.”

 Well, it sounds a bit too good to be true, but he makes a note and walks up at the counter. “I’d like to apply for this job,” he says, “reference number E78446.”

 “Oh, that one,” says the clerk. That is a model agency right here in San Francisco.   They are looking for a pubic hair snipper. The agency supplies girls who model underwear and bathing suits. Before they go on the catwalk, they’d report to you and you would inspect them carefully and snip off any wisps of pubic hair showing. It pays well, but there are a few drawbacks. It involves quite a lot of travel. The Bahamas, Tahiti, Paris, London ... that sort of thing...and you have to get used to expense account living in first-class hotels.”

 “I reckon I could learn to live with all that,” says the fellow.  "I’d really like to apply for the job.” The clerk shrugs and says, “OK, here’s an application form and a bus ticket to Reno.”

 “RENO? What do I wanna go to Reno for?”

 “Well,” says the clerk, “that’s where the end of the application line is at the moment!”

 ---

Submitted by John

 A gorgeous young redhead  goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

 "Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."

 The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and  screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in  even more agony.

 She pushes her knee  and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams.  Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

 The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?

"Well,  no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."

"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."

 ---

 From Michael Krasny

 A guy walks into his living room carrying a very well groomed fluffy white sheep under his arm and says, "This is the pig I make love to when you're not around."

 His wife is sitting there and says, "That's a sheep, not a pig, you dumb ass."

 He responds, "Shut up!! I wasn't talking to you."

 ---

 Submitted by Fred

 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

 When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?"

 "It was Bob, the next-door neighbor,"  she replies.

 "Great!" The husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

 ---

 Submitted by Jerry in San Lorenzo

 A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water.  As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80thbirthday and it's today." The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."

 As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

 The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

 "Coming up," says the bartender.

 As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says,  "I would like to buy you one, too."

 The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

 "Coming! right up," the bartender says.

 As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.  Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

 The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."

 ---

Submitted by Jim

 A guy walks into a bar with his pet alligator, puts the gator up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside, leave ’em there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy mea drink?"

 The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps.

 After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and raps the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opens its mouth and the man removes his genitals -- unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered.

 "Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd.

After a few seconds, a blonde woman timidly speaks up.

 "I’ll do it, but no hitting me on the head with the bottle."

 ---

 Submitted by Jerry in San Lorenzo

 A guy walks into the local welfare office for his monthly check.

 He marches straight up  to the counter and says, "Hi. You know, I just HATE coming in here drawing welfare month after month. I'd  really much rather have a job".

 The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nympho-maniac daughter.  You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes.  Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.  You'll have a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

 The guy says,  "You're b.s.'ing me!"

 The social worker says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

--- 

From Mickey Luckoff

 A rabbi and a priest are seated next to each other on a non-stop flight cross-country.  Shortly after takeoff, the priest tries to start up a conversation with the rabbi and asks him, “Say rabbi, is it still a part of your faith that you cannot eat pork?”

 The rabbi says, “Yes father, pork is still a forbidden food”. 

 Then the priest asks, “So, have you ever fallen and eaten pork?”

 “Yes, I did have pork once”, replies the Rabbi. 

They both get quiet again, and a little while later the Rabbi asks, “Father, is it still a part of your faith that promotes celibacy among priests?”

 The priest says, “Yes, for all men of the cloth”.  The rabbi then asks, “So, have you even broken your celibacy?”

 “Yes, I have fallen to the pleasures of the flesh once”, replies the priest. 

 They get quiet again until the rabbi says, “Sure as hell beats a ham sandwich huh?”

****

Jokes heard on the R&B Joke Hour, October 29, 2004

Submitted by Geri in Austin, Texas:

What's the difference between the Vietnam War and the  Iraq War? Dubya had a plan to get out of the Vietnam War.
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Submitted by Jeff in Benicia:

The girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Very good," said her mother.  "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, b, c, d, e, f, g!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?"  "Yes, it's because you're blonde." The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!"  And she lifted her tank top to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother.  "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "No, it's because you're 25."
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Submitted by Gary:

  How many members of the Bush Administration are needed to change a light bulb? 1. One to deny that a light bulb needs to be changed, 2. One to attack the patriotism of anyone who says the light bulb needs  to be changed, 3. One to blame Clinton for burning out the light bulb, 4. One to tell the nations of the world that they are either for changing the light bulb or for darkness, 5. One to give a billion dollar no-bid contract to Haliburton for the new light bulb, 6. One to arrange a photograph of Bush, dressed as a janitor, standing on a step ladder under the banner: Lightbulb Change Accomplished, 7. One administration insider to resign and write a book documenting in detail how Bush was literally in the dark, 8. One to viciously smear #7, 9. One surrogate to campaign on TV and at rallies on how George Bush  has had a strong light-bulb-changing policy all along, 10. And finally one to confuse Americans about the difference between screwing a light bulb and screwing the country.
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Submitted by Kelsi:

  Did you see Roy Horne on the documentary special the other day? Maria Shriver looked great, but he looked like something the cat drug in.
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Submitted by Mark in Santa Clara:

A father walks into a book store with his young son. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed, attractive and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the book store. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "No," the woman replied, "divorce attorney." 
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Submitted by "CorksKids":

  A young blonde from Kentucky was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking for the highly prized shoes. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a decent price!" The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, y'all just go and give it a try, why don'cha!" The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch herself an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature and, with a great deal of effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches this scenario in amazed silence. Just then, the blonde struggles and flips the gator on its back. Then, rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "Crap, this one is barefoot, too!"
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Submitted by Frank in Texas:

A man walks into Fredrick's of Hollywood to purchase some sheer lingerie for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, the sheerer, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him. Upstairs, the wife thinks, "I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow and keep the $500 refund for myself." So she appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says, "Good Lord! You'd think that for $500, they'd at least iron it!"   He never heard the shot. Funeral services are pending.
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Submitted by Herm in Hayward:

  BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR THESE NEW VIRUSES   THE GEORGE BUSH VIRUS - Causes your computer to keep looking for  viruses of mass destruction THE JOHN KERRY VIRUS - Reverses every position each time you turn your computer on THE BILL CLINTON VIRUS - Gives you a permanent hard drive, with no  memory THE AL GORE VIRUS - Causes your computer to keep counting, recounting,  recounting ... ad nauseum THE BOB DOLE VIRUS - Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy  THE ARNOLD VIRUS -  Terminates some files ...leaves .. but assures  that He Will Be Back  THE MIKE TYSON VIRUS -  Collapses after two bytes THE PROZAC VIRUS -  Totally screws up your RAM, but your processor  doesn't care THE MICHAEL JACKSON VIRUS - Attacks only minor files
===

Submitted by Frances in Alameda:

A pregnant woman walks into a bank, and lines up at the first available teller. Just at that moment the bank gets robbed and she is shot three times in the stomach. She gets rushed to the hospital where she gets fixed up. As she leaves she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor says, "You're going to have triplets.  They're fine but each one has a bullet lodged in its stomach. Don't worry though the bullets will pass through their system through normal metabolism." As time goes on the woman has three children. Two girls and a boy. Twelve years later, one of the girls comes up to her mother and says, "Mommy, I've done a very weird thing."  Her mother asks her what happened and her daughter replies, "I passed a bullet into the toilet." The woman comforts her and explains all about the incident at the bank.    A few weeks later, her other daughter comes up to her with tears streaming from her eyes. "Mommy, I've done a very bad thing." The mother says, "Let me guess. You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?" The daughter looks up from her teary eyes and says, "Yes. How did you know?". The mother comforts her child and explains about the incident at the bank. A month later her son comes up and says, "Mommy, I've done a very Bad thing." The mother says, "You passed a bullet into the toilet, right?". The son replies, "No, I was masturbating and I shot our dog."
===

Submitted by Arnette:

  Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 1: What's that? Lady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet. Lady 1: Where did you get it? Lady 2: You can get them at any drugstore. The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers. "Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel." The pharmacist fainted.
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Submitted by Jerry in San Lorenzo:

Three couples went to see a minister about becoming new members of his church. The minister said they would first have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. Two weeks passed and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. "A can of paint?" asked the minister.  "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."   The minister shook his head and said, "I'm sorry, but you are not welcome in this church." "That's OK," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
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Submitted by Don in Benicia:

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comforted her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny.  "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm.  Nice and slow and even.  Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if  the ice cream truck hadn't come along,"
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Submitted by Tom:

  A beautiful, well endowed, young lady, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. She spots a box full of frogs. The sign says: "Sex Frogs...Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions)." The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions carefully:  1. Take a shower  2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume  3. Slip into a very sexy teddy  4. Crawl into bed and place the frog on the bed   Following the instructions exactly, she quickly gets into bed with the frog. Nothing happens.  The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset.  She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store."  She calls and is told by the salesman, "I had some complaints earlier today.  I'll be right over." Within five minutes he is ringing her doorbell and is welcomed in.  "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there." The salesman picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes "Listen to me froggy.  I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
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Submitted by  Ellie in Foster City:

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.  Larry La Prise, the man who wrote “The Hokey Pokey”, died peacefully at age 93.  The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.  They put his left leg in.  And then the trouble started…
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Submitted by James:

4 golfers were standing on the 1st tee waiting to tee off when one of the golfers says, "John what did you have to offer the wife to play golf today?" "Well, I had to offer to take her shopping at the new mall next week.  Hey Peter, what did you offer?" "I had to offer to remodel the bathroom.  So George, what did you have to offer?" "I had to offer to paint the kitchen." By the 6th hole these guys were wondering what Tony had to offer his wife.  So they asked him.  He said, "The alarm went off at 6am and I tapped my wife on the shoulder and said, 'Sex or golf?' and she said, 'Don't forget your sweater.'"
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Submitted by Tom:

   A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.  "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.  "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning !!" ******************* Jokes heard on the R&B Joke Hour, March 19, 2004

Submitted by Sherry in Newark:

There was a midget down in Texas whose testicles hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem.The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table and started examining him. He put one finger under his left testicle andtold the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia. "Aha!" mumbled the doc and, as he put his finger under the right testicle, he asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctoragain and reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on theleft side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted withamazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told him to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discoveredhis testicles were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does thatfeel now?" The midget said, "Perfect, Doc, and I didn't even feel it! What did youdo?" The doctor replied ... "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
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Submitted by Morris in Sacramento:

Three engineers were having a theological discussion concerning themind of God when He created man. The first said, "God is an electrical engineer. Look at the neuralpathways that send electrical impulses throughout the body." The second one said, "No, God is a mechanical engineer - look at theintricacies of the hand and the opposable thumb." The third one said, "God is most definitely a civil engineer. Whoelse would put a waste disposal line right through the middle of arecreation area."
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Submited by Liz:

A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic.He asks, "What for?" She says, "I want to kill my husband." He says, "Sorry, I can't do that." She then reaches into her handbag and pulls out a photo of her husbandin bed with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him. He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."
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Submitted by Peggy:

A man and woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. Suddenly, the woman sneezed, took out a tissue,gently wiped her nose, and then shuddered quite violently for 10 or 15seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and shudderedquite violently; as before. The man was becoming curious and concerned about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed and the woman sneezed one more time. Againshe took a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and shuddered violently. The man couldn't restrain his curiosity. He turned to the woman and said, "You've sneezed three times and this has resulted in noticeable shuddering spasms. Are you all right?" "I'm sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied, "I have a rare condition; when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The man was a little embarrassed, but even more curious and said, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?" The woman looked at him and said, "Pepper."
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Submitted by Sue:

There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone," so namedbecause he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone to not to call him Onestone! After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got around and nobody called him that any more. Then one daya young girl named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning,Onestone..." He jumped up, grabbed her, and took her deep into the forest where hemade love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all thenext day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion. The word got around that Onestone meant serious business. Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a womannamed Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for manyyears. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when shesaw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone..." Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made loveto her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all thenext day, made love to her all the next night...but, Yellow Birdwouldn't die!!! What is the moral of this story??? Come on..........take a guess! Think about it................ Here it comes............................ And the moral is....................... You can't kill two birds with one stone!
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Submitted by Liz:

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after thewedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want - and Idon't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting,fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't yougive me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?" His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night ... whether you're here or not."
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Submitted by Ken in Novato:

Here's a dilemma for you.... With all your honor and dignity what would you do? The test only has one question, but it's a very important one. Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please consider each line -- this is important for the test to workaccurately. You're in Florida...In Miami, to be exact... There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods. There are huge masses of water all over you. You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless. You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water. Nature is showing all its destructive power and is ripping everything away with it. Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud. You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar. Suddenly you know who it is -- it's George W. Bush! At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever. You have two options. You can save him or you cantake the best photo of your life. So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo displaying the death of one of the world's most powerful men. And here's the question (please give an honest answer) .... Would you select color film, or rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?
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Submitted by Cindy:

Three old men are discussing their sex lives. The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbedher body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamedfor 5 minutes at the end." The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbedher body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and shescreamed for 15 minutes." The old Jewish Man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), wemade love, and she screamed for 6 hours. The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, "What could youhave possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?" "I wiped my hands on the drapes."
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Submitted by Peggy:

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Gorilla Removers" He calls the number, and the gorilla remover sayshe'll be over in 30 minutes. The gorilla remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. "What are you going to do," the homeowner asks? "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the gorilla off the roof with this baseball bat. When the gorilla falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testiclesand not let go. The gorilla will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van." He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. "What's the shotgun for?" asks the concerned and confused homeowner. "If the gorilla knocks me off the roof, shoot the pit bull."
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Submitted by Mike in Petaluma:

This couple have just met in a bar, really hit it off and gone back to her place to have wild, passionate sex. After they have finished he lies back with a smug look on his face, "Iguess that was just about the best sex you have ever had," he says. "What makes you say that?" asks the woman. "Well, every time we did it, I couldn't help notice how it made yourtoes curl," he explains. "Oh," says the woman, "that was just because most men wait to take offmy pantyhose first."
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Submitted by Sherry in Newark:

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. "Oh, no!" she suddenly exclaimed. "Look at the time! I have to rushhome and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to be really ticked ifit's not ready on time." When she got home, she discovered all she had in the cupboard was awilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food, and she didn't havetime to go to the supermarket. In a panic, she opened the can of catfood, stirred in the egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf --just as her husband walked through the door. She greeted him warmly, then watched in horror as he sat down to hisdinner. To her surprise he seemed to be really enjoying it. "Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in forty years ofmarriage! You can make this for me any old day." Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made herhusband the same dish. She told her golf partners about it, and they were all horrified."You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. Two months later, her husband died. The women were sitting around the clubhouse one day when one of themsaid, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food everyweek would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing youmurdered your husband?" The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the windowsill while he was licking his butt."
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Submitted by Ken in Novato:

Pentagon officials believe they have been unable to locate Bin Laden because he has found a place to hide out where: (1) It is easy to get in if you have the money; (2) No one will recognize or remember you; (3) No one will realize that you have disappeared; (4) No one keeps any records of your comings and goings; and (5) You have no obligations or responsibilities. Pentagon analysts are still puzzled, however, as to how Bin Laden found out about the Texas Air National Guard in the first place.
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Submitted by Stan in Belmont:

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almosteverything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls thatcould move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen anelevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in mylife, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat oldlady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed abutton. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a smallroom. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the smallcircular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then thenumbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls openedup again and a gorgeous 24-year old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly tohis son.... "Go get your mother."
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Submitted by Tom and Tracey in San Rafael:

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that wasenough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went tohis doctor and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have anymore children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy thatcould fix his problem, but it was expensive. A less costlyalternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb, lightit, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and countto 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in theworld, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next tomy ear is going to help me." "Trust me," said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb, and put it in a beer can. Heheld the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, andresumed counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, Utah, Nebraska andWest Virginia.
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Submitted by Cindy:

A guy came into a bar one day and said to the bartender, "Give me sixdouble vodkas." The bartender says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the samedrinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer cameback, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another sixdouble vodkas. The bartender said "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?""Yeah, my sister..."
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Submitted by Jeff in Benicia:

A lobbyist, on his way home from work in Washington, D.C., came to adead halt in traffic and thought to himself, "Wow, this seems worsethan usual." He noticed a police officer walking between the lines of stopped cars,so he rolled down his window and asked, "Officer, what's the hold up?" The officer replied, "The President is depressed, so he stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself in gasoline and sethimself on fire. He says no one believes his stories about why wewent to war in Iraq, or the connection between Saddam and al-Qaida, orthat his tax cuts will help anyone except his wealthy friends; thepress called him on the lie about Iraq trying to buy uranium from Niger, and now Campbell Brown is threatening to sue him for a sexual innuendo he made at a recent press conference. So we're taking up a collection for him." The lobbyist asks, "How much have you got so far?" The officer replies, "About 14 gallons, but a lot of folks are still siphoning."
===

Submitted by Donna in Monterey:

A brunette goes into a bar and sits down next to a blonde. They'rewatching the 10:00 news on TV. During the news, they show a suicidal man on the roof of a tallbuilding, threatening to jump. The police are trying to talk him down. The brunette says to the blonde: "I'll bet you $20 the guy jumps." The blonde says, "You're on. I'll bet you $20 the guy doesn't jump." So they continue watching and the guy jumps. The blonde says, "Well, here's your $20. You won fair and square." The brunette says, "I can't take your money. I already saw the 6:00news and knew that he jumped." The blonde says, "I saw it at 6:00 also, but I didn't think he'd do itagain!!!!"
===

Submitted by Doug in Palo Alto:

Three guys are sitting at a bar. Jesus walks in and hears them complaining about their various ailments.So, acting in his role as healer, he walks up to the fellow from Ohio,places his hand on his shoulder and says, "Bless you my son, yourcancer is cured." The man jumps up and yells, "Oh thank you Lord!" and runs out of thebar. Next Jesus approaches the man from Iowa, lays his hand on his shoulderand says, "Bless you my son, your brain tumor is cured." "Oh thank you Lord!" he cries and runs out of the bar. Then Jesus moves toward the man from California, who jumps off his stool, backs away from Jesus, saying, "Hey man, don't come near me, I'm on Worker's Comp!"
===

Submitted by Bob in Lafayette:

A blonde police officer pulls over another blond for speeding. She walks over to the car and asks the blonde driver for some I.D. Theblonde driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, "What does it look like?" The blonde police officer tells her, "It's that thing with your pictureon it." The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls outher compact, opens it, and hands it to the blond cop. The blonde cop looks at the compact for a few seconds, rolls her eyes,hands it back to the blonde driver, and says, "If you had told me youwere a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could haveavoided this whole thing!"

*****************************************************

Jokes heard on 11-21-03

Submitted by Brin in San Francisco

Q: How many Ray Taliaferros does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "If it WEREN'T for the Re-PUBLICANS, it WOULDN'T be DARK in the FIRST PLACE! Myyyy my my my my..." ===

Submitted by Ron in Milpitas

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "...let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
===

Submitted by Charles

The Cadbury's Candy and the Merck Drug companies have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.
They will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies. They're going to be called: "Predickamint."
====

Submitted by Jay in Fremont

A small wild animal park in Arkansas acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the gorilla, who was a female, became very difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the park veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Reflecting on their problem, the park administrator thought of Bubba Jones, an Arkansas redneck who was a part-time intern, who was responsible for cleaning the animal's cages. Bubba, like most rednecks, had little sense, but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species. The park administrator thought they might have a solution. Bubba was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500.00?
The following day, Bubba announced that he would accept their offer, but only under the following four conditions.
"First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her on the lips." The park administrator quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second," Bubba said, "you must never tell anyone about this." The park administrator again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third," Bubba said, "I want all the offspring to be raised in the South." Once again the administrator agreed.
And last of all Bubba stated "You've got to give me another week to come up with the $500.00."
===

Submitted by Laurie

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 mile per hour, sir."
The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"
The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?!"
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."
The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."
The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP?!"
The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
"Oh, heavens no, officer. Only when he's been drinking."
===

Submitted by Stan in Belmont

One evening Mike went over his friend Terry's house to play cards with some friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties on. He sat up and was flushed. He went into the kitchen to get a drink of water. To his surprise Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen and said, "Did you like what you saw?". Mike said yes I did. She said, "Well you can get more than that but it will cost you $500." So Mike thought about his financial situation and said okay.
She said "Meet me here tomorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at work then.". Mike said, "I'll see you then."
The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then he left.
Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today?" She said, thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact, yes.". Terry asked, "Did he leave $500?" She said as a matter of fact, he did. Terry said, "Good, because that fool came by my job this morning and asked to borrow $500 till this evening, and he said he would leave it with you."
===

Submitted by Phil

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery. Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz", said the mortician, "but I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity."
With that, the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
The first person he showed it to was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened up his briefcase.
"Oh my God!" the wife screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
===

Submitted by Mick in San Francisco

First Christmas joke of the season!!!
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honor of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells". Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "They're Carols".
===

Bad Michael Jackson Jokes

Q: Why did Michael make a phone call to Boys 2 Men?
A: He thought it was a delivery service.

Q: When do you know it's bedtime in the Jackson household?
A: When the big hand touches the little hand.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson get fired from his job as boy scout leader?
A: He was up to a pack a day.

Q: Why did Michael Jackson go to Kmart?
A: He heard boys pants were half off.

Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
A: One's white, made of plastic, and dangerous around children and the other carries groceries.

Q: What's got 18 balls and 3 pubic hairs?
A: A slumber party at Michael's ranch.
===

Submitted by Pat in Roseville

A woman, calling a local hospital, said, "Hello, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I'd like to find out if the patient is getting better, or doing as expected, or is getting worse".
The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?"
She said, "Sarah Finkel, in Room 302."
"I'll connect you with the nursing station."
"3-A Nursing Station. How can I help You?"
"I would like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in Room 302"
"Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! that's fantastic ... that's wonderful news!"
The nurse said, "I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend."
"Not exactly, I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me anything!"
===

Submitted by John in Walnut Creek

Q: "How many Freudians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to hold the penis ... I mean ladder!"
===

Submitted by Barbara in Berkeley

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack." "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right then, I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
===

Submitted by Marilyn

A man was in the hospital recovering from an operation when a nun walked into his room. She was there to cheer up the sick and lame. They start talking and she asks about his life. He talks about his wife and his 11 children.
"My, my," says the nun, "11 children, a good, proper Catholic family. God is very proud of you." "I'm sorry Sister," he says, "I am not Catholic, I'm Jewish."
"Jewish!" she replies, "You sex maniac you."
===

Submitted by Allan in Kelseyville

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so".
Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You can speak two words."
Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed." "I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was called by the Priest.
"You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine.
"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.
On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine into his office. "You may say two words today."
"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.
"It's probably best", said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."
===

Submitted by Dr. Mary

Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"
Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we make love!"
"If I moaned when we made love, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!"
So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets.
As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?"
"No, not yet."
Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now? Should I moan now?"
"No, I'll tell you when"
He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to make love to her.
"Is it time for me to moan, Morris?"
"Wait, I'll tell you when." Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"
So Sadie goes, "OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!"
===

Submitted by John

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to 2 men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which person would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"
"Well," says the CIA man, "You're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances", they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes.
"I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No" the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they're down to the woman left to test. Again they lead her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun.
"We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances, this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him."
The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!"
===

Submitted by Jeff

Sharon Stone and some guy get washed up on desert island together after a ship wreck.
The guy has saved Sharon's life and she promises him love, sex and obedience to his every wish.
Six months later, Sharon is very very happy. Loads of sex, and he has built a little home away from home, for them. But the guy looks miserable.
A year passes. Loads of sex. He had built a swimming pool, a bar for drinks and everything. But is really unhappy.
"What's the matter, darling?" Sharon asks him. He says, "There's something I miss. I need you to do something special for me. I really need it. I'll explode if I don't get it." She looks him straight in the eye and says, "Anything, Anything, Anything you want, anytime." She is getting excited just thinking about what it could be.
He takes her to his home-made bar and tells her to lean against the bar. His breathing becomes heavy. She leans against the bar.
He has made a false beard out of coconut hair. "Would you wear this for me?" he asks. "Certainly," she says. She puts on the beard and his breathing become husky.
"And," he says, "Can I call you Brian?"
Sharon looks puzzled but says, "Yes, all right if you have too.'
The guy gets really excited and goes over to her, and says, "Hey Brian, you'll never guess who I've been screwing."

Jokes heard on 9-5-03

Submitted by Jeff in Santa Clara

While walking down the street one day, a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in," says the lady.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the head of state.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules."

And with that, St. Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and she finds herself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all her friends and other politicians who had worked with her, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet her, hug her, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before she realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives her a big hug and waves while the elevator rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for her.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before she realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

She reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts her to the elevator and she goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and she is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. She sees all her friends dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bag. The Devil comes over to her and lays his arm around her neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the head of state. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable."

The Devil looks at her, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today, you voted for us!"

===

Submitted by ChiliJohn in Woodland

Couple was visiting the cemetery to put new flowers on the wife's father's grave when they heard a heart-stopping cry of grief coming from behind a tree. They were concerned and went to see if they could help. They found a man prostrate across a grave crying "Why, Why, Why did you have to Die, Why, Oh Why....." They tried to console him, but he continued to cry and wail, "Why Did You Have to Die." The wife edged up to the grief-stricken man and said in a soft voice, "Sir, we share your pain, when did your wife pass on?" The man on the ground looked up and said, "It's my wife's first husband!"

===

Submitted by Rakesh in Fremont

Two Irish Nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat. One nun says to the other, "I heard that the occupants of this country eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replied, "but if we shall live in America we might as well do as Americans do."

So both Nuns walk towards a hot dog vendor. "Two Dogs, please," says the first Nun. The vendor is only too happy to oblige, and wraps 2 hot dogs in foil.

Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs". The first Nun opens hers and stares at it for a moment, leans over to the other nun cautiously asks, "What part of the dog did you get?"

====

Submitted by Luise

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. Look, Michael. Look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?" "It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." "Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people."

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot while this one will be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass and said, "What's that one?" "Ah"' said God. "That's California, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, deserts, streams, hills, and forests. The people from California are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. "

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!!!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I put in Sacramento."

===

Submitted by Steve in Saratoga

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, found it somewhat below normal, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.

"Breast fed," she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He pressed, kneaded, rolled, cupped, and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed, rigorously thorough examination. Motioning to her to get dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is under weight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

===

Submitted by Jacque in Monterey

Man and a woman had been dating and were about to consummate their relationship. The woman is in bed watching the man undress.

As the man takes off his shirt, tattooed on his arm is the word “Nike”.

The woman asks “What is that?”

“Oh” says the man. I was working out at the gym and a guy comes up to me and says I’ll pay you $5000 dollars to tattoo the name ‘Nike’ on your arm. So I took it.”

The woman thinks this is a bit odd, but oh well, she likes him.

As the man takes off his pants, he has the word “Converse” tattooed on each leg.

The woman again asks about these odd tattoos.

“Well,” says the man. “A second guy came into the gym while I was working out and saw the Nike tattoo and said he would give me $100,000 for each leg, if I would tattoo ‘Converse’ on each leg.

Well the woman is getting leery, but hasn’t had sex in a while and figures the lights will be out soon enough, so ignores this new revelation.

Finally, the man drops his shorts and the woman is aghast. Upon his penis is the word “Aids” is tattooed.

“Whoa” yells the woman “I’m not sleeping with anyone with AIDS.”

The man states, “Give it a moment, it will say Adidas.”

===

Submitted by Peg

This little guy is sitting at the bar just staring at his drink. He's been sitting there for half an hour when this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, grabs his drink and gulps it down in one swig.

The poor little guy starts crying. "Come on man, I was just giving you a hard time," says the truck driver. "I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," says the little guy between sobs. "I can't do anything right. I overslept and was late to an important meeting, so my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car was stolen and I have no insurance. I grabbed a cab home but, after the cab left, I discovered I had forgotten my wallet in it. At home I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I came to this bar and was thinking about putting an end to my life, and you show up and drink the damn poison."

===

Submitted by Donald

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you? A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day? A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

====

Submitted by Deanna in Castro Valley

Dan Rather, Jesse Jackson, Cokie Roberts from National Public Radio and a Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals.

They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief. The chief said, "I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?"

Dan Rather said, "Well, I'm a Texan; so I'd like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili."

The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, "Now I can die content."

Jesse Jackson said, "You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing 'We Shall Overcome' one last time."

The chief said, "Go right ahead, we're listening."

Jackson sang the song, and then said,"Now I can die in peace."

Cokie Roberts said, "I'm a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what's about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end."

The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Roberts dictated some comments. She then said, "Now I can die happy."

The chief said, "And, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?"

"Kick me in the ass." said the Marine.

"What?" said the chief. "Will you mock us in your last hour?"

"No, I'm not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass." insisted the Marine.

So the chief untied the Marine, shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead. In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his haversack, pulled out an M16, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were all dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the others, they each asked him, "Why didn't you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass? "

"What!?" said the Marine, "And have you assholes call ME the aggressor?!?"

====

Submitted by William in Santa Rosa

Jesus went into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender said, "Sure, but why don't you have it in the back room which is more private?" Jesus said, "Okay." Later a man in a wheelchair came in and the bartender told him about Jesus. The man said, "Great! Please buy him a beer on me!", which the bartender did. Later a man on crutches came into the bar and the bartender told him about Jesus and he said, "Fine! Please buy him drink on me!", which the bartender did. Then a man with a cane came in and when he heard about Jesus he also bought him a beer. Later when Jesus finished his beers he came out and went up to the man in the wheelchair, thanked him for the beer and put his hand on his head. "Hallelujah!" said the man. "I can walk!" and threw his wheelchair away. Jesus went up to the man on crutches and did the same thing. "Hallelujah!" said the man. "I can walk!", and he threw away his crutches. Jesus then went to the man with the cane who said, "Hey don't touch me. I'm on worker's comp."

===

Submitted by Edward

Three Engineers and three MBAs are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three MBAs each buy tickets and watch as the three Engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an MBA. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer.

They all board the train. The MBAs take their respective seats but all three Engineers cram into a bathroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket, please."

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The MBAs see this and agree it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the MBAs decide to copy the Engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed MBA. "Watch and you'll see," answers an Engineer.

When they board the train the three MBAs cram into a bathroom and the three Engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Engineers leaves his bathroom and walks over to the bathroom where the MBAs are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

====

Submitted by Duane in Concord

This guy walks into a Diner with an ostrich. He orders # 3, burger, fries and a coke. The ostrich says, "Same for me." They eat, and the waitress says, "that'll be $6.11." He pays her the exact amount out of his pocket.

Next day, same guy walks into the same Diner, with his ostrich. He orders the same - # 3, The ostrich says, "Same for me." They eat, finish, and the waitress says, "that'll be $6.11." He pays her the exact amount from his pocket.

Next day, he comes into the Diner, with his ostrich. The waitress says, "Have your regulars?" He says no, not today. Today, I would like fish and chips and iced tea. Ostrich says: "Same for me." They eat, and the waitress says, "That'll be $7.44." Guy reaches into his pocket and pays her with exact change. The Waitress says, "Excuse me for asking, how do you always have the exact amount of your bill in your pocket?" Well, the guy says, some time ago, I was cleaning out my attic and found an old metal lamp. I rubbed it and out popped a Genie. "I'll grant you two wishes", he said. So, I said, "I'd always want to have enough money for whatever I wanted to buy, and a tall chick that agrees with everything I say."

===

Submitted by Robin in San Carlos

A couple of airplane mechanics, drinking buddies, are in the hanger at Newark, where the runway is fogged in and they have nothing to do.

John says, "Man, have you got anything to drink?"

"Nah," says Bill "but I hear that you can drink jet fuel, that it will give you a real buzz."

So they proceed to drink jet fuel, get smashed, and have a beautiful time as only drinkin' buddies can.

Next morning, John expects his head to explode when he gets up, but is pleasantly surprised that he has no hangover at all.

The phone rings with Bill asking how he feels. "I feel great!" says John. "No hangover!" "Me neither," says Bill.

"That jet fuel is great stuff and no hangover," says John. "We ought to do this more often."

Yeah," says Bill, "But there is one thing. Did you fart yet?"

"No, why?"

"Because I'm in Phoenix."

===

Submitted by ChiliJohn in Woodland

A red-head goes into the doctor obviously in pain. "What's the problem, young lady?" says the doctor. "I hurt everywhere, it's terrible," says the red-head. "Make it stop! Make it stop!" The doctor asks for her to tell him just where it hurts. She touches her knee and screams, she touches her arm and screams, she touches her ear and screams. The doctor looks at the woman and asks, "You're not really a red-head, are you?" She replies, "no, doctor I'm a natural blonde." The doctor then says, "You've got a broken finger."

===

Submitted by William in Santa Rosa

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said the man, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's President Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

===

Submitted by Adam in Santa Cruz

There are two best friends named Bernie and Fred. One day Bernie says to Fred, "Fred, I know everyone, and everyone knows me." Fred replies, "yeah, sure, Bernie, I bet you 100 bucks you don't know the governor of California." So, Fred and Bernie go to Sacramento, and the governor greets them with open arms.

Well, Fred still doesn't believe Bernie and says, "Bernie, I bet you 500 dollars you don't know the president of the United States." So, they go to Washington DC, and they're invited to dinner. Well, Fred still doesn't believe Bernie and says, "All right, Bernie, I bet you 1,000 dollars you don't know the Pope." So, they go to the Vatican. As the pope is standing up on the pedestal, Bernie says to Fred, "Okay, Fred, you wait here and watch me go up to the pope and watch how the guards let me walk right up and watch how the pope greets me."

So, Fred watches, and just as Bernie is about to tap the pope on the shoulder he looks down to Fred to make sure Fred is watching. Just then, he sees Fred collapse to the ground. He rushes down to his friend's aid. "Fred, Fred, what happened?" asked

Bernie. "Well, just as you were about to tap the pope on the shoulder, somebody tapped me on the shoulder, I turned around and they asked me, 'Hey! Who's that guy up there with Bernie?'"

===

Submitted by Steve in Saratoga

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said,"Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. "Hey, don't look at me," she said. "He makes his own lunch."

===

One of Brian's favorite jokes

A man walks into a pharmacist and asks for a bottle of arsenic. The pharmacist says "I can't give you a bottle of arsenic."

The man says, "OK then, give me a half a bottle of arsenic." The pharmacist says "I can't give you a half bottle of arsenic and even if I could, what do you need it for?"

The man says "I want to kill my wife."

The pharmacist responds "knowing that there is no way I can give it to you."

Just then the man pulls out a picture of his wife and hands it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looks at the picture and says "Oh, I didn't know that you had a prescription."

===

Submitted by Jane in Marin

Q: What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend? A: About 45 pounds

Q:What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend? A: About 45 minutes

===

Submitted by Pat

One day, Pinocchio and his girlfriend were in bed doing what girls and wooden boys do. As they were cuddling later, Pinocchio could tell that something was bothering his girlfriend. So he asked her, "What's the matter, baby?"

Pinocchio's girlfriend gave a big sigh and replied, "You're probably the best guy I've ever met, but every time we make love you give me splinters." This remark bothered Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he went to seek some advice form his creator, Gepetto.

When Pinocchio arrived, Gepetto could tell something was bothering Pinocchio, and asked him what was the matter. Pinocchio revealed his dilemma to Gepetto. Gepetto searched up and down for a solution. Eventually, he suggested that sandpaper might be able to "smooth" out Pinocchio's relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanked Gepetto and went on his way.

Gepetto had not heard from Pinocchio for a while and therefore assumed that the sandpaper had solved all of Pinocchio's problems. A couple weeks later, Gepetto was in town to have some blades sharpened at the hardware store when he ran into Pinocchio. When he saw Pinocchio buying all the packs of sandpaper the store had in stock, Gepetto remarked, "So, Pinocchio, things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?" To which Pinocchio replied, "Girls? Who needs girls?"

===

Submitted by Debbie and Jack

25 Rules Guys Wish Women Knew

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat, if it's up, put it down.
3. Don't cut your hair.
4. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Get rid of your cat.
6. Sunday = Sports
7. Anything you wear is fine. Really!
8. Women wearing wonder bras and low cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
9. You have too many shoes.
10. Crying is blackmail.
11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like the soap opera guys.
19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
22. You can ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done.Not both.
23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
24. You have enough clothes.
25. Nothing says "I love you" like sex.

===

Submitted by John

Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions. The 70 year old man says, "I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me twenty minutes to piss." The 80 year old man says, "My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement." The 90 year old man says, "At seven I piss like a horse, and at eight I crap like a cow." "So what's your problem?" ask the others. "I don't wake up until nine!"

===

Submitted by Brian

In the town square a nasty crowd had gathered, intending to stone to death a prostitute. From the crowd, Jesus strides forward, holds up his arms and yells "Let ye without sin cast the first stone!" The crowd is contrite, for none amongst them can honestly say they are without sin. Then a little old woman comes hobbling up, picks up a good size rock and beans the prostitute right between the eyes. Jesus just stands there with his hands on his hips and says, "Sometimes, Mother, you really piss me off!"

===

Ronn's mom favorite joke

Morty Rosenthal is a new member of the Golden Goose retirement community, and is passing the morning sunning himself on a bench near the garden.

Rebecca, out for her morning constitutional, sees Morty, and says "Do you mind?"

"Not at all" Morty says.

So Rebecca sits down on the opposite end of his bench. "So, you're new here?" Rebecca asks.

"Yes" Morty affirms.

"So, you are from where?" Rebecca inquires.

"Washington" Morty answers.

"The capitol or the state?" asks Rebecca.

"The state" replies Morty.

"So how old are you?" Rebecca asks.

"I'll be 70 in October." Morty replies.

Not yet satisfied with the answers, Rebecca presses on with "What did you do in Washington?"

"I was in prison" Morty retorts.

"Really?" says Rebecca. "What were you in prison for?"

"My wife of twenty years was always asking stupid questions, so I chopped her up and put her down the garbage disposal." he says.

"Sooooo," purrs Rebecca, "you're single?"

===

John in Walnut Creek

A long time welfare recipient walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job."

The man behind the counter replies, "Your timing is amazing. We've just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his gorgeous 25 year old nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays. The salary package is $200,000 a year."

The young man says, "You're bullshitting me!"

The man behind the counter says, "Yeah, well, you started it."

*********************************************

Jokes heard on 4-25-03

Submitted by Cathy in San Bruno

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.

When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts.

"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat arse down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long ......"

The husband sighed. "It's started!"

***

Submitted by Clint

The REAL story!

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God. "It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking; the smells, the sights -- everything is wonderful. But I have just this one problem. It is these three breasts that you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain," reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that many other parts of her body (such as her limbs, eyes, and ears) came in pairs, and she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.

"That is a fair point," replied God, "but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away." And God reached down, removed the middle breast, and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. "Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation now?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "but for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her Bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate, and I will immediately create a man from a part of you...Now let's see...Where did I put that useless boob?"

Now, doesn't THAT make more sense than that business about the rib?

***

Submitted by John

CIA TEST:

A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before anyone can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks and testing, the CIA narrowed the possible choices down to three men.

The day came for the final test to see which man would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the applicant men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The man had a shocked look on his face and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!"

"Well," said one CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then!"

So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door suddenly opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her, I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife! I guess I'm not the right man for the job..."

"No," the CIA man replied, "you don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go the hell home!"

Now one man was left to test. Again they lead him to the same door leading to the same room and handed him the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her."

The third man took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard several gun shots, one shot after another for a total of 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. The CIA men heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the third man. He wiped the sweat from his brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat her to death with the chair!"

***

Submitted by Mary in Concord

Little Tommy (who is Jewish) was doing very badly in math.

His parents had tried everything: tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Tommy came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying. Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Tommy was hard at work.

His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner and to her shock, the minute he was done he marched back to his room without a word and in no time he was back hitting the books as hard as before. This went on for some time, day after day while his mother tried to understand what made the difference.

Finally, little Tommy brought home his report card. He quietly laid it on the table and went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math! She could no longer hold her curiosity. She went to his room and said: "Son, WHAT was it?? Was it the nuns??" Little Tommy looked at her and shook his head, no. "Well, then," she replied, "was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms??

WHAT was it??" Little Tommy looked at her and said, "Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around."

***

Submitted by Diane in Vacaville

A high school English teacher reminds her class of their final exam the next day, "Remember, I won't tolerate ANY excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it; no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

Silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

***

Submitted by Rocky in Fremont

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, father, for I have sinned, I have been with a loose woman." The priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?" "Yes, father, it is I." "Who was the woman you were with?" "I cannot tell you for I do not wish to sully her reputation." The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?" "No, father." "Was it Fiona MacDonald?" "No, father." "Was it Ann Brown?" "No, father, I cannot tell you." The priest says. "I admire your perseverance, but you must atone for your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys." Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks what happened. Tommy replies: "I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three good leads."

***

Submitted by Kasey

Moral of the Story

I was happy. My girlfriend and had been dating for over a year, and had decided it was time to get married.

My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me..... my mother-in-law to be.

She was a career woman, smart, beautiful and sexy. She flirted with me occasionally, which made me feel uncomfortable.

One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went.

She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed my life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

So, she said, "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me."

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house.

Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, "We are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.

***

Submitted by Sam in Burlingame

Dear Abby:

I am a crack dealer in New Jersey who has recently been diagnosed as a carrier of the HIV virus. My parents live in a suburb of Philadelphia and one of my sisters, who lives in Bensenville, is married to a transvestite.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my other two sisters, who are prostitutes in Jersey City. I have two brothers. One is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in Attica for murder of a teenage boy in 1994. The other brother is currently being held in the Wellington Remand Center on charges of sexual misconduct with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former prostitute who lives in the Bronx and is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel. Her time there is limited as we hope to open our own brothel with her as the working manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would get them off the street, and hopefully, the heroin habits.

All thing considered, my main problem is this. I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and I certainly want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my distant cousin who is French?

Signed,

Worried About My Reputation

***

Submitted by Mike in Petaluma

This married man goes to the confessional and says to his priest, "I had an affair with a woman........almost......"

The priest says, "What do you mean, almost? "

The man says, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest says, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. Now say 5 Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."

The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.....

The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says, "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box"

The man replies, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and apparently that's the same as putting it in!"

***

Submitted by Dave in Fremont

A couple attending an art exhibition at the National Gallery was staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three very black and totally naked men sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis.

The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for nearly half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of African Americans in a predominately white, patriarchal society.

"In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics believe that the pink penis also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society."

After the curator left, a young man in a West Virginia T-shirt approached the couple and said, "Would you like to know what the painting is really about?"

"Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?" asked the couple.

"Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied... "In fact, there are no African Americans depicted at all. They're just three West Virginia coal miners, and the guy in the middle went home for lunch."

***

Submitted by Brian in Pittsburg

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only say one thing. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' and keep repeating it all the time."

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed. Then he thought a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution. I have two male talking parrots that I have taught to pray and read the bible. Bring your two over and we'll put them in the cage together and Frank and Jacob will teach themto pray and worship."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw two male parrots holding rosary beads and praying.

Impressed, she walked over and placed her two parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison, "Hi, we're hookers!

Do you want to have some fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered!"

***

Submitted by Corkie in Elk Grove

An Irish Toast

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised me self! You know, he's only been there twice! Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

***

Submitted by Jim

I was traveling between New York and Boston the other day when I got a flat tire. Checking my spare, I found that too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window "Need a lift?". "Yes, I sure do," I replied. "You a Democrat or Republican?" asked the old man. "Republican," I replied. "Well, you can just go to hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same

question. Again, I gave the same answer, "Republican." The driver gave me the finger and drove off. I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy. Since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blond. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Democrat or Republican. "Democrat!" I shouted. "Hop in," replied the blond.

Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car." She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped I jumped out. "What's the matter?" she asked. "I can't take it anymore." I replied. "I've only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody."

***

Submitted by Margaret

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is color-coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon shuts them all up when he observes: "The French are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable.

***

Submitted by Carlos in Mountain View

My wife rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."

***

Submitted by Jerry

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.

"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."

"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.

"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.

"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.

"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

The others nodded in agreement.

"Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully "and thank God we can all still drive."

***

Submitted by Lily in Santa Rosa

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a senior citizen's residence. They met in the social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and she accepted. They had a lovely evening. Afterward, Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and, age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the feathers.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still get it up, I'd have taken off my pantyhose."

***

Submitted by Steve in Union City

Osama bin Laden has a heart attack and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him. "I don't know what to do here," the devil says. "You're on my list, but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do: I've got a couple of people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Osama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil led him into the first room.

In it was Manuel Noriega and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty-handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," bin Laden said, "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

So the devil led him to the next room. In it was the Ayatollah Khomeini with a sledgehammer and a huge pile of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I'd be in constant agony if all I did was break rocks all day," bin Laden commented.

So the devil opened a third door. In it, bin Laden saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was his girl Monica, doing what she does best. Osama bin Laden stared in disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "OK, Monica, you're free to go."

***

Submitted by Dave in Dallas

A man walks into a pharmacist and asks for a bottle of arsenic. The pharmacist says "I can't give you a bottle of arsenic."

The man says "OK then, give me a half a bottle of arsenic." The pharmacist says "I can't give you a half bottle of arsenic and even if I could, what do you need it for?"

The man says "I want to kill my wife."

The pharmacist responds "knowing that there is no way I can give it to you."

Just then the man pulls out a picture of his wife and hands it to the pharmacist. The pharmacist looks at the picture and says "Oh, I didn't know that you had a prescription."

***

Jokes heard on 2-14-03

Submitted by Diane in Vacaville

Valentines Rhymes

These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line but ... the least romantic second line:

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face