Ronn Owens San Francisco Talk Show Personality

Benjamin's Joke:

A novice farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant,
and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial
insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting
to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep
are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and
instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that
artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods,
has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all
still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads
them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each
sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them
out to the woods He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning
home, falls knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of
the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in
the grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping
the horn."

Tom in San Rafael's joke:

An old man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender notices the
guy's head is the size of a cue ball.

"I got to ask, sir," says the bartender. "What happened?"

The old guy sighs and tells him, "My ship was torpedoed by the Germans in
WWII. A mermaid rescued me and promised to grant me three wishes. For my
first wish, I asked to return to the States. My second wish was to have all
the money I would ever need. Finally, my third wish was to have sex with the
mermaid."

"That doesn't sound too bad," says the bartender. "Then what happened?"

"Well," sighs the man, "mermaids can't have sex, so I asked her if I could
just have a little head...."

Frank's joke:

A guy and a girl are laying in bed after sex. The guy wonders why the girl
is always rubbing his balls after. The guy finally asks, "Why are you always
rubbing my balls after sex?" The girl says, "Because I miss mine."

Sam's joke:

A pro golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to
hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. I
have some good news and some bad news. says the surgeon. The bad news is
that I have to remove your right arm!

Oh no! cries the man. My career is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?

The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's
arm! I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant

Go for it doc says the man. As long as I can play golf again.

The operation went well and 6 months later the man was out on the golf
course when he bumped into the surgeon. Hi, how's the new arm? asks the
surgeon.

Just great says the business man. I'm playing the best golf of my life. My
new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.

That's great. said the surgeon

Not only that, continued the golfer, my handwriting has improved, I've
learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes
in watercolors.

Unbelievable! said the surgeon, I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such
a success.

Well there is one problem, said the golfer, every time I try to masturbate I
get a headache.

Rochelle's joke:

A man goes to the doctor. "Doctor, doctor," he says, "I hate to
bother you, but I've got a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bum."

"Let me take a look at that," says the doctor, "drop your trousers."

"Is it serious, doctor?," says the man.

"Yes," says the doctor, "Quite honestly, it's just the tip of the iceberg."

Frank's joke:

After a long night of making love, a guy notices a photo of another man on
his girlfriend's nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your
husband?" he nervously asks.
"No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.
"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.
"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.
"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
"No, no, no!!!" she answers.
"Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands.
"That's me before the surgery."

Neil's joke:

A lady goes to her priest one day and says, "Father, I have a problem. I
have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

"They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, and then, he thought for a moment.

"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male
talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your
two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Frank and
Jacob. My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your
parrots are sure to stop saying that horrible thing-in no time at all."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution to my
problem."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he
ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage,
holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her
parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi,we're
hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence.

Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed,
"Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered."

Helen's joke:

The Bank Robber

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the
tellers
to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door with the loot one brave
Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.
The robber shoots the guy without hesitation! He then looks around the bank
to see if anyone else has seen him. One of the tellers is looking straight
at him and the robber shoots him also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.
Did anyone else see my face?' calls the robber. There is a few moments
silence, then one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his
hand and says: "I think me wife may have caught a glimpse...."

Ben's joke:

Virus Alert!

If you get an email titled "nude photos of Sarah Palin," don't open it. It
could contain a virus.

If you get an email titled "nude photos of Nancy Pelosi," don't open it. It
could contain nude photos of Nancy Pelosi.

Dotty's joke:

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter - 10 men and 1
woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that
1 had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very
touching speech.

She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a
woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids
or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with
little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

Donna in Monterey's joke:

One dark night in the small town of Garfield , NJ , a fire started
inside the local sausage factory. In a blink the building was engulfed
in flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles
around.

When the first volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the
sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of
our secret sausage recipes are in the vault in the center of the
plant. They have to be saved, so I will donate $50,000 to the fire
company that brings them out and delivers them to me."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire
departments had to be called in because the situation became
desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the
offer to extricate the secret recipes was now $100,000 to the fire
department that could save them.

Suddenly from up the road, a lone siren was heard as another fire
truck came into sight. It was the fire engine of the nearby Lodi , NJ
volunteer fire department
composed mainly of Italian firefighters over the age of 65.

To everyone 's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by
these Italian firefighters, passed the fire engines parked outside the
plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the
other firemen watched in amazement as the Italian old timers jumped
off and began to fight the fire as if they were fighting to save their
own lives. Within a short time, the Lodi old timers had extinguished
the fire and saved the secret recipes.

The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for
such a superhuman accomplishment he was upping the reward to $200,000,
and walked over to personally thank each of the brave elderly Italian
firefighters.

A TV news crew rushed in after capturing the event on film. The 'on
camera' reporter asked the Italian fire chief, "What are you going to
do with all that money?"

"Wella," said Chief Pasquale De Luccinellavanti, the 70-year-old fire chief,
"da firsta tinga we gonnna do is za fixa de brakes on dat f'inna truck!!"

Dharma's joke:

A man arrives at the gates of Heaven. St. Peter asks,
"Religion?" The man replies, "Methodist." St. Peter looks
down his list, and says, "Go to Room 24, but be very quiet
as you pass Room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of Heaven. Once again, St.
Peter inquires, "Religion?" "Baptist," says the man. "Go to
Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

Yet a third man arrives at the gates. St. Peter asks the
usual questions: "What religion?" "Catholic," the third man
replies. "Go to Room 11, but be very quiet as you pass Room
8."

The Catholic man asks, "I can understand there being different
rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when
I pass Room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "Well, the Jews are in Room 8, and
they think they're the only ones here!"

Joanne in Walnut Creek's joke:

A Doctor was addressing a large audience:

"The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most
of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode
your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets
can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long- term harm caused
by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the
most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it.

"Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief
and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row
raised his hand, and softly said . . . . . . . . .. . .

"Wedding Cake."

Charlie's joke:

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and
toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt she normally slept in. As I
walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to
make love to me this very moment!' My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am
either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!' Not wanting to
lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the
kitchen table. Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her
T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?' She
explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'

Jeff in Salinas' joke:

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The first woman said, 'Have you ever had a hug?'
The man said 'No,' so she gave him a hug and walked on.
The second woman said, 'Have you ever had a kiss?'
The man said, 'No,' so she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The third woman came to him and said, 'Have you ever been screwed?'
The fellow's eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, 'No.'
She said, 'You will be when the tide comes in.'

Pano's joke:

Two old guys, one 75 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one
morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even
short of breath. The 75 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and
asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day". "It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 75 year old stops in at the bakery.. As he was
looking around, the lady in the bakery asked if he needed help.

He said, "Do you have rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it, would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves?"

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves... it'll get hard".

He replied, "Does everybody in the world know about this rye bread but ME?"

Judy in Pleasanton's joke:

So after landing my new job as a WalMart greeter, a good find for many
retirees,
I lasted less than a day......
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,
unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two
kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, "Good morning and
welcome to WalMart.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,
"Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7.
Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"
So I replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,
I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice."

Jeff's joke:

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, sir, that'll be one cent,' said the man behind the bar.
'One cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down
here.'

Janet's joke:

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and
every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd like to ride in that
helicopter.'

Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is
fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther,
I'm 85 years old. if I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get
another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty
dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal.
I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the
entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if
you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I
did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm
impressed!'

Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something
when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

Helen's joke

12 Italian Priests

Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was
for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while
a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.

Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie, and they were
told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them
would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual
purity.

The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no
reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all
the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos.

As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off,
clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.

Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest.

He bent over to pick it up ... and all the other bells started to ring.

Len Tillem's joke:

Moishe was 80 years old and his family decided he needed a full medical
check-up. The doctor listened to his heart and then said, "Uh uh!"
Moishe did not like what he had heard and asked the doctor what the problem
was.
"Well," said the doctor, "I can quite clearly hear a serious heart murmur.
Do you drink?"
"No," replied Moishe.
"Do you smoke?
"No." replied Moishe.
"Well then, do you have a sex life?"
"Well, now that you ask me, yes." said Moishe.
"Well then, Moishe, that's the problem," said the doctor, "I'm afraid you'll
have to give up half your sex life if you want your heart to last."
Moishe asked, "Which half should I give up, the looking or the thinking?"

Q - What does a hedge fund manager with no fund to manage say?
A - "Would you like fries with that, sir?"

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on
the TV and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it
starts!"

She looked puzzled, but brought him a beer.

When he finished he said, "Quick bring me a beer. Its gonna start!"

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him another beer.

When it was gone he said, "Quick bring me another beer before it starts!"

That's IT, she blows her top!

"You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, you don't
even say hello to me and you expect me to run around like your slave
getting you beer after beer. Don't you realize that I cook, clean,
wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed and said, "Oh CRAP………. it's started."

   A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
   She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel
   horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

   The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I
kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a
nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to
drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't
been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating
that long?'

Gene's joke

   A fat guy goes to the doctor...
   He tells the doctor, "My stomach is sooo big I can't see my penis."
   The doctor looks at the guy and said, "That's easy, just diet."
   The guy answers, "GREAT, WHAT COLOR ?"............

A man was badly constipated, so he went to a doctor. The doctor prescribed suppositories and told the man to take one once every four hours.

The man left the doctor, happy that his problem would soon be gone. When he got home, he took a suppository, swallowing it with a glass of water. Four hours passed, nothing happened. But he figured that these things take time, so he swallowed another one, hoping he would reap the benefits very soon. After several days of taking the suppositories every four hours, he was still constipated, so he returned to the doctor.

When the man explained that he took one every four hours, as prescribed, the doctor exclaimed, "What are you doing? Swallowing them?"

Little Tony had been playing outside with the other kids for a while.

When he came into the house and asked her, 'Grandma, what's that thing
called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the
other?'

She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth.
'It's called sexual intercourse, darling'.

Little Tony just said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with
the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it
isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's
mom wants to talk to you.'

   Q: Why can't a man ever please a woman?
   A: Because no man has a prick made of chocolate that ejaculates money.

     Joanne's joke

A Kindergarten teacher tells her class she's a BIG Lakers fan. She's really excited about it and asks the kids if they're Lakers fans too.

Everyone wants to impress the teacher and says they're Lakers fans too, except ONE kid, ...named Josh.

Josh says, "Well, my mom is a Sacramento Kings fan, and my dad is a Sacramento Kings fan, so I'm a Sacramento Kings fan."

The teacher's not real happy. She's a little hot under the collar. She says, "Well, if your moms an idiot, and your dads a moron, then what would you be?!"

   A woman is lying in bed reading a book.

   Suddenly her husband barges into the bedroom with a sheep under his
   arm. He is obviously agitated.

   He blurts out "This is the pig I have been making love to when you are
   not in the mood".

   The wife, obviously shocked, says, "But that is a sheep under your
   arm, not a pig".

   "SHUT UP" Says the husband. "I wasn't talking to you."

   Everyone is in a hurry to scream "racism" these days!

   A man is shopping in a new store and needs some direction:

   "In what aisle could I find the Polish sausage?"

   The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?"

   The guy (clearly offended) says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something.
   If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?

   Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German?

   Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog. would you ask me if I was Jewish?

   Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?"

   "If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?"

   The clerk says, "Well, no, I probably wouldn't!"

   With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well then, why
   did you ask me if I'm Polish because I asked for Polish sausage?"

   The clerk replied, "Because you're in Home Depot."

   A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

   Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an
   amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the
   mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were
   willing to try it out.

   Both said they were very much in favor of it. The doctor set the pain
   transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent
   was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
   But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the
   doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted
   the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling
   fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was
   amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for
   50 percent.

   The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was
   obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the
   doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy
   baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She
   and her husband were ecstatic, and she was able to leave the hospital
   within a few hours.

   When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.

    Investment tips for 2009

   For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected
   mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG
   bucks.

   Watch for these consolidations in 2009:

   1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.
   R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

   2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and
   become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

   3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

   4.) Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will
   merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa.

   5.) FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

   6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
   Fairwell Honeychild.

   7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

   8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will
   become: Knott NOW!

   And finally....

   9.) Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new
   name: TittyTittyBangBang

   Dear Abby,

   I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice.

   I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me.

   The usual signs are there…the phone rings but if I answer, the caller
   hangs up. My wife has been going out with 'the girls' a lot recently
   although when I ask their names, she always says, just some friends
   from work, you don't know them.

   I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I
   usually fall asleep.

   Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep
   down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went
   out again and I decided to finally check on her.

   Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could
   get a good view of the whole area when she arrived home from a night
   out with 'the girls.'

   When she got out of the car, she was buttoning up her blouse, which
   was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them
   on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I
   noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my
   3-wood.

   Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the
   pro-shop where I bought it?

   Yours sincerely,

   Heartbroken

A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents
to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the
kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

"Tony, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Nancy. She was a pilot
in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy
territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a
survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then
her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She
shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed
four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed
the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did
your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Nancy when she's drinking

Lynn's joke

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says, "That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and
sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up,
puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on
the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried,
across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of
the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first
and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses
violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly
catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the
father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a
word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the
father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've
never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic.
Are you a doctor? "

'No,' the woman replied. 'Divorce attorney.'

Sherry in Newark's joke

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is, I can cure your headaches.

The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press on
your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.

The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first
time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of
himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a
different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... a
new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new
suit.'

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see...size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit; it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a
new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34" sleeve and 16-1/2" neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop, and the salesman asked, 'How
about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see...size 36.'

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34
would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give
you one hell of a headache.'

New suit - $400
New shirt - $36
New underwear - $6
Second opinion - PRICELESS

A Husband and Wife were sitting watching TV when he turned to his wife
and said, " Honey, tell me something that will make me happy & sad all
at the same time."

She said, "Well, you have a bigger penis than all your friends."

There was a famous wild west Indian hunter. After years of killing
many Indians from many tribes he was finally captured by the Indians.
This tribe's tradition is to allow a condemned man one last day before
being executed the following morning. The hunter was asked what he
wanted to do for the rest of the day. He asked to speak with his
horse. After conversing with his animal the horse bolted out of camp
and returned 2 hours later with a beautiful blonde woman. The woman
was shown to the hunter's tee pee, and the hunter immediately
requested another meeting with his horse. After the second
conversation the horse again bolted out of the camp and this time
returned with a beautiful brunette woman. This woman was shown to the
hunter's tee pee. The hunter once again asked to speak with his
horse. The Indians were intrigued and listened this time. They could
hear the hunter repeating to the horse "No, POSSE POSSE POSSE"

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there are
only 3 Survivors; Bob, Tom and Debbie.

They manage to swim to a small island and they live there for a couple
of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Debbie felt
absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Bob and Tom was so immoral and bad that
she killed herself.

It was tragic, but Bob and Tom managed to get through it. After a
while, Bob and Tom's resistance to nature's urgings waned, and the
inevitable happened.

Well, a couple more years went by and Bob and Tom began to feel
absolutely horrible about what they were doing.

So they buried Debbie.

There's an Orthodox Synagogue in a small city. Most of the families
that attend live nearby and walk to services. But those that live too
far to walk, hire a limo and driver. The drivers wait outside during
the service and since this is a regular thing, most of the drivers
have been at it for a while and they know the routine. They spend the
waiting time smoking, talking or polishing the limos.

One day, there's a new driver who doesn't really understand why he was
hired but is very curious. He hears a trumpeting sound coming from the
Synagogue. He asks the regulars "what's that noise"? One of the
regulars says "there blowing a shofar". The new guy says "Boy, those
people sure treat us good".

What do you call a group of 50 lesbians and 50 politicians?
100 people who don't know dick.

A guy moves into a new house out in the middle of nowhere. The day
after he moves in, he sees an old pickup truck rumbling down the only
dirt road that leads out to his house. After a few minutes, the pickup
finally arrives, and a man gets out.
"Howdy", the man says, "my name is Jim."
"Well hi, Jim", says the homeowner, "my name is Andy."
"Well, Andy, I saw you moved in here and I wanted to come
out and invite you to a little party I'm having. It's going to be
terrific. There's going to be some fun, some drinking, some fightin',
some love-making, it's gonna be great."
"That sounds terrific! What should I wear?"
"Oh, it don't matter. It's just gonna be you and me."

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the desert when he came across a old Jewish man with a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'

The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, 'Idiot! I do not need a tie, I need water! '

'OK,' said the old Jewish man,' it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie. If you continue over that hill for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has all the water you would want. Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back and said:
'Your brother won't let me in without a tie!'

A farmer loads his sow into his wheel barrow to take her next door to
be serviced by his neighbors pig. After the fact, the farmer asked his
neighbor, "how will I know if it took OK?"

"Well, tomorrow morning," the neighboring farmer replied, "if she's
eating fresh mowed grass, you know it took, if she's rolling in the
mud, no good."

The next morning the farmer looks out the window and there's his sow,
rolling in the mud. He goes downstairs, loads her in the wheel barrow
and takes her for another go with the neighbor's pig.

The next day when he wakes up, his back is hurting and he is tired
from dragging his portly sow around. So he asks his wife - "Look out
the window and tell me, is that sow eating new mowed grass, or rolling
in the mud?"

His wife looks out the window and remarks "She ain't doing neither,
she's out there sitting in the wheelbarrow."

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Hey, why
the long face?"

Baby's First Doctor Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for
the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and
being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or
bottle-fed.

'Breast-fed,' she replied.

'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said,

'No wonder this baby is underweight.

You don't have any milk'

'I know,' she said,

'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf
course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a
long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in
mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in
prayer.

His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing
I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."

The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner
with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announced to her
boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the
first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes
a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy
for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about
condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to
buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack or a family pack. "I'm really going to put it to this
girl," the boy tells the pharmacist.

The pharmacist, with a laugh, suggests the family pack saying the boy will
be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. "Oh I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come
on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his
head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer with his head down. 10
minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes
with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns and whispers back; "I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist."

A woman got married and had 6 kids, her husband dies, she remarries
and has 5 more kids, this husband dies, she remarries and has 4 more
kids. This husband also dies.. At the funeral the pastor is going on
and on about what a wonderful person she is and says, "but at last
they will be together." Two men are attending the service, and one
says to the other, "I wonder which husband he is talking about?" The
other man says, "I think he is talking about her legs."

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best
patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants
on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered."

The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try
electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians
are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like
construction workers...those guys always understand when you have a
few parts left over."

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he
observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate
on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and
the head and the ass are interchangeable."

Two Mexican businessmen in Tijuana were sitting down for a break in
their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only
a few shelves set up.

One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is
going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're
selling.' No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough,
a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a
thick Japanese accent asked, 'What you sell?''

One of the men replied sarcastically, 'We're selling ass-holes.'
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, 'You doing velly well,
only two left.'

--

3 OLD GUYS

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old man. "You always
feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and
nothing comes out."

"Ah, that's nothin," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran,
sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year -old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

"Do you have trouble peeing, too?" asked the 60-year old.

"No, I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat
rock; no problem at all."

"So, do you have a problem with your bowel movement?"

"No, I have one every morning at 6:30."

Exasperated, the 60-year-old said, "You pee every morning at 6:00 and
crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so bad about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00."

True Love?

An 80-year old woman was arrested for shoplifting. When she went
before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she
was hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.

The judge said, "Then I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could pronounce the case closed, the woman's
husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

The judge replied, "What is it?"

The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."

While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75-year old Texas rancher whose
hand was caught in a gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a
conversation with the old man. Eventually the topic got around to
Sarah Palin and her bid to be a heartbeat away from being President .

The old rancher said, 'Well, ya know, Palin is a post turtle.'

Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

The old rancher said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you
come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post
turtle.'

The old rancher saw a puzzled look on the doctor's face, so he
continued to explain. 'You know she didn't get up there by herself,
she doesn't belong up there, she doesn't know what to do while she is
up there, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put her up there
to begin with."

"Jim's Doctor's visit "

Doctor: Jim you have to stop masturbating.

Jim: WHY?

Doctor: Because I am trying to examine you.

EVEN GOD HAS TROUBLE WITH BLONDES

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble.

Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's
desperate, so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if
I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let
me win the lottery.'

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays... 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my
business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my
business, my house, and my car. My children are starving.

I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to
You.

PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life
back in order.'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself....

'Sweetheart, work with Me on this.... Buy a ticket.'

Rick had forgotten their wedding anniversary, and his wife was extremely upset.

"You'd better get a gift for me, and it better be good! I expect to
see it sitting in the driveway tomorrow, and it should go from zero to
200 in under 3 seconds!"

Terrified of his wife's threat, he started to work on it immediately.

And sure enough, the next morning she looked out the window and there
is the driveway was....... a bathroom scale.

We haven't heard from Rick since.......

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says, 'We only have one rule here in heaven:
don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try
their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter
chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a
duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along
comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another
extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained
for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she
steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day
St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid
eyes on .... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being chained
to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.'

A guy and his wife enter a fancy hotel on vacation. There is a hooker
leaning against the building offering her services to passer's by.

Later in the day the husband goes out to get a newspaper and the hooker
says, "How about some fun big guy?" Husband looks around furtively,
reaches into his pocket for money, and says, "OK, but I only have
$10.00." The hooker sneers and tells him to get lost.

That night, the couple leaves the hotel to go to dinner and the hooker
spots him and says, "See what you get for 10 bucks?"

A Couple In Bed

One night, after a couple had retired for the night, the woman became
aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner.

He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her
back.

He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly.

Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand
over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist.

He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the other.

His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs.

His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and
then returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time, the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to
better position herself.

The man stopped abruptly and rolled over to his side of the bed.

'Why are you stopping darling?' she whispered.

He whispered back, 'I found the remote.'