No One Loves a Lawyer

If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a lawyer’s.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take for a lawyer?
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?

Only one if you run him through slowly!

First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning?

Second person: No.

First person: Good!

Where can you find a good lawyer?

In the cemetery.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?

Not enough sand.

Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?

Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?


One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went to heaven.

St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.

To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"

The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.

Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?"

The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."

St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit on.
A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well-traveled road. The bill of fare is as follows:

Sautéed Tourist $10

Braised Reporter $12

Fried Diplomat $15

Barbecued Lawyer $110

A customer, noticing the great price differential, asked why lawyers cost so much.

The headhunter replied, “if you had ever tried to clean one of those devils, you would understand.”

Out of towner: Any criminal lawyers in this town?

Local: Yes. But none of them are in jail.

A man came across a striking brass rat in an antique store and decided it would look great on his desk. He paid $100 for it but was surprised when the proprietor insisted it was non-returnable. He said, “It’s been returned twice already, and I don’t want to see it again.”

Leaving the store, the man saw a couple of rats scurrying around the corner; several more were near his car. As he drove, rats appeared from the gutters and side streets until he was nearly overwhelmed. In panic, he threw the brass rat over a bridge railing into a river, and witnessed the army of live rats follow into the depths.

The man hurried back to the store, but the owner cut him short, saying, “Look, I told you there would be no returns.” The man quickly replied, “ Oh no, that’s fine. I was just wondering if you had a brass lawyer.”

What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion?

You cry when you cut up an onion.

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'”

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

A true story: A convicted con man was recently found to be impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked, "I should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and polite."
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?

About three pounds, including the urn.

Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?

New Jersey had first choice.

Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of lab rats for research?

Two reasons: first, they are more plentiful than rats, second, the researchers don’t get as attached to them.

One problem, though, is that no one has been able to extrapolate the test results to human beings.


C’mon Guys! That’s only half the joke about researchers, lab rats and lawyers. There are four, well-known reasons why researchers prefer lawyers to rats:

1. Lawyers are more plentiful. (You got this one.)

2. They are easier to train.

3. Researchers don’t get attached to them. (You got this one, too.)

4. There are some things a rat won’t do.

A man walking on the beach came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a genie actually appeared.

"For releasing me from the bottle,

I will grant you three wishes," said

the genie.

"But there's a catch," the genie continued. "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive double what you asked for."

First, the man wished for a Ferrari. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of him. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given two Ferraris," said the genie.

"What is your next wish?"

"I could really use a million dollars." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"Now, every lawyer in the world is two million dollars richer," the genie reminded the man, and then asked him for his third wish.

The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?

You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!

If you laid all the lawyers in the world head to foot around the Equator, then...

Hey, come to think of it, that’s not a bad idea.

What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A good start.

When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?

Because down deep, they are all nice guys.

In the construction field, it is often noted that lawyers make the worst clients. However, a couple of years ago I met an old carpenter that said lawyers were always his favorite clients!

When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of having lawyers as clients he replied, "I only build coffins now."

A restaurant full of lawyers was held hostage.

The bad guys threatened that, until all their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

Q. Why do they bury lawyers ten feet down instead of the traditional six (feet)?

A. Because deep down they're not such bad guys.

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?

Terrorists have sympathizers.

What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in cement?

Not enough cement.

Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work.

“I don’t understand,” Cindy complained. “When people find out I’m a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?”

Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, “Maybe it just saves time.”

Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the Titantic.
Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody fight about a dog? When the lawyer won, the dog bit him.
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?

Depends on how thin you slice them.

Two lawyers have a suicide pact; they will jump off the towers of the Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco at exactly the same time. Each has nearly the same body type and their weights are identical. One is wearing a brown suit; the other is wearing a blue suit.

Question: Who hits the bay first?

Answer: Who cares?!

A long New Orleans style funeral procession passes by, but instead of a jazz band, it’s lead by a man walking a lion. Behind the coffin walk at least 200 people. A bystander asks the man, “What’s going on?”

“My lion ate my lawyer and this is his funeral,” is the reply.

“Could I borrow your lion?” asks the bystander. “I’ve got a lawyer I’d like to have eaten.”

“Sorry, but you’ll have to get at the end of that line,” said the man, pointing to the 200 people following the coffin.

“Excuse me,” a young fellow said to an older librarian, “I’ve just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers.”

“Well,” replied the librarian, “I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet.”

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw walking

down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the

road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP". Then he

would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest

hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.

"Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked.

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road", replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy

priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down

the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road.

Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there

was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and

narrowly missed the lawyer.

Certain he should've missed the lawyer, the truck driver was very surprised

and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud "THUMP". He felt really guilty

about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, "I'm really sorry

Father. I almost hit that lawyer". "That's okay", replied the priest.

"I got him with the door."

What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?

If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

The lawyers were siblings -- dishonest cheaters, as crooked as could be. They went to church only when circumstances required them to look good, or when there was a chance a dollar could be made.

When the less evil one died, the surviving sibling promised the church a sizable contribution if the eulogy for the deceased would describe the departed as a saint.

The church needed money, and succeeded in acquiring the contribution without compromising any of its virtue. The eulogy accurately described the life and character of the deceased, identifying and listing the many sins committed. In conclusion, the speaker pointed at the bereaved surviving attorney, saying, "but compared to him, the departed was a saint!"

Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, “lawyer” is always the third thing they look up?

Because the first thing a child looks up is “dog.” The second is “snake.” And under snake, the encyclopedia says “See Lawyer.”

Have you seen the current remake of the movie “Cape Fear”? It’s about a deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question is, while watching the movie, whom do you root for?
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?

Never enough.

“The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.”

-- William Shakespeare

How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?

Shoot him before he hits the water.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
How do you know if a lawyer is well hung?

You can't get you finger between the rope and his neck.

Doctors and Lawyers

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

The doctor said, “We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years.”

“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

“It was easy,” the patient replied. “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”

A woman who was diagnosed as being terminally ill was told she needed a brain transplant using a 1-1/2 pound brain.

She was also informed that a 1-1/2 pound brain of a surgeon would cost $500 and the 1-1/2 pound brain of a movie star $600.

She replied that since her father had been a famous lawyer she would prefer a lawyer brain. That’s fine, she was told, but that will cost you $10,000.

“What?” she replied incredulously. “If a surgeon's brain only costs $500, why does a lawyer’s brain cost $10,000?”

“Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to get 1-1/2 pounds of brain?” the doctor replied.

Four out of five doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers, they wouldn’t need any aspirin.
A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor. “Which side is it best to lie on?” she asked.

“The side that pays your fee,” replied the doctor.

A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted.

“Darling, it was just a shark,” said his wife when he came to. “You’ve got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere.”

A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road.

The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.

The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

“Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?” asked the doctor.

“Sure, after the police leave,” replied the attorney.

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.
Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-ray, the equipment slipped and his pelvic region was X-rayed instead.

“Oh, no!” cried the lab technician. “Your reproductive organs just received a dose of radiation!”

“What does that mean?” asked the worried young man.

“It’s serious,” replied the technician. “All your children will be lawyers.”

A priest, a doctor, and a lawyer were waiting one morning on a particularly slow group of golfers.

"What's wrong with these guys?" fumed the lawyer. "We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

"I don't know," said the doctor, "but I've never seen such


"Here comes the greenskeeper," said the priest. "Let's have a word with him. Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow. aren't they?"

"Oh, yes," said George, "That's the group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our club last year. We let them play here anytime free of charge!"

Everyone was silent for a moment.

Then the priest said, "That's so sad, I think I'll say a prayer for them tonight."

"And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there is anything he can do for them," the doctor added.

"Why can't these guys play at night?" asked the lawyer.

Lawyers as Ambulance Chasers

Two lawyers met at a cocktail party.

“How’s business?” asked the first.

“Rotten,” replied the other. “Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there was already another lawyer hanging on to the bumper.”

“Everybody in my family follows the medical profession,” said John. “They’re all lawyers.”
Did you hear about the lawyer hurt in an accident?

An ambulance stopped suddenly.

The New York Times, among other papers, recently published a new Hubble Space Telescope photograph of distant galaxies colliding.

Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.

Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?

From chasing parked ambulances.

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”

Lawyer Bashing: It's Not a Dying Art

Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
I used to wonder why so many lawyers wore turtleneck shirts.

Turns out I had it all wrong.

Lawyers don't wear turtlenecks -- they're just uncircumcised!

A quote from Evelle J. Younger:

"An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years. A competent attorney can delay one even longer."

Q. What's wrong with lawyer jokes?

A. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.

“Necessity knows no law, I know some lawyers are the same.”

-- Benjamin Franklin

Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?

It’s called Sosumi.

“The law is an ass.”

-- Charles Dickens

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down a street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred-dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
After their car broke down on a lonely country road, three men sought a night’s shelter at a farmhouse. The farmer, poor but eager to help them, said that he only had two beds so one of the three would have to sleep in the barn.

Immediately, one of the travelers, a polite Hindu mathematician, agreed and left for the barn. A short while later he returned and apologetically explained that there were cows in the barn and for religious reasons he could not sleep there.

Another of the guests, a conservative rabbi, volunteered, picked up his bedding and left for the barn. It wasn’t long before he returned complaining that the pig in the barn made it impossible for him to sleep there.

The last of the stranded trio, a lawyer, sighed and grudgingly picked up his bag and shuffled off to the barn.

Soon, there was another knock at the door. When the farmer answered it, there were the cows and the pig.

What’s the skinniest book ever published?

Legal Ethics.

“There was a young lawyer who showed up at a revival meeting and was asked to deliver a prayer. Unprepared, he gave a prayer from a lawyer’s heart: ‘Stir up much strife amongst thy people, Lord, lest thy servant perish.’”

-- Senator Sam Ervin

A New York lawyer sent gifts to many of his clients. The gifts were sleeves of golf balls, suitably inscribed with the donor lawyer's name.

One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the lawyer saying, ...

"That's the first time I've ever had a lawyer buy the balls.”

An experienced editor trying to explain the newspaper to a cub reporter:

"You can't sell any papers with a 'dog bites man' story, but 'Client Runs Off with Attorney's Funds" -- why, that would sell out a special edition."

“A man who dies without a will has lawyers for his heirs.”

-- Anonymous

“I, Lucius Titus, have written this, my testament, without any lawyer, following my own natural reason rather than excessive and miserable diligence.”

-- The Will of a Citizen of Rome

A quote attributed to Founding Father John Adams in the play “1776”: “I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, two men are called a law firm, and three or more become a Congress.”
St. Yves is from Brittany

A lawyer but not a thief

Such a thing is beyond belief!

-- 14th century rhyme

Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer.

“How’s it going?” he was asked.

“Not too bad,” he replied. “I still have my lantern.”

“I used to be a lawyer, but now I am a reformed character.”

-- Woodrow Wilson

For a good time, hire a hooker,

For a lot of time, hire my attorney.

-- Anonymous prison cell graffiti

“Imagine the appeals dissents and remandments if lawyers had written the Ten Commandments.”

-- Harry Bender

If builders built buildings the way lawyers write laws, the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
At a New England society dinner some years ago, Mark Twain had just finished a piquant address when Mr. Evarts arose, shoved both of his hands down into his trousers’ pockets, as was his habit and laughingly remarked: “Doesn’t it strike this company as a little unusual that a professional humorist should be funny?” Mark Twain waited until the laughter excited by this sally had subsided, and then drawled out: “Doesn’t it strike this company as a little unusual that a lawyer should have his hands in his own pockets?”

Lawyers and the Truth

A lawyer seeks console from his Parish Priest, after his wife leaves him due to excessive drinking.

Priest: "My son, I'll ask your wife to go back home, but you have to promise me that you will stop drinking."

Lawyer: "Yes! Father, I swear!"

A few hours later, the Priest sees the lawyer drinking in a neighborhood bar.

Priest: "My son, you’re lying about your drinking again."

Lawyer: "Father, this is not wine. It is water."

Priest: "I'll be a witness to that, my son."

The Priest leans over and smells the contents of the glass and says, "My son, you’re lying again. This is not water. It is wine.”

Lawyer: “Alleluia, alleluia! Father, the miracle of Cana has come, the water has changed into wine!”

A university committee was selecting a new dean. They had narrowed the candidates down to a mathematician, an economist and a lawyer.

Each was asked this question during their interview: “How much is two plus two?”

The mathematician answered immediately, “Four.”

The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, “Four, plus or minus one.”

Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, “How much do you want it to be?”

Lawyer: “Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?”

Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. “Billy, you be first,” she said, “What does you mother do all day?” Billy stood up and proudly said, “She’s a doctor.”

“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”

Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”

“Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher, “What about your father, Tim?”

Tim proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”

The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Tim’s house and rang the bell. Tim’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.

Tim’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”

“A good lawyer is a great liar.”

-- Edward Ward

“A lawyer is a liar with a permit to practice.”

-- Anonymous

Why don’t lawyers enjoy playing golf?

Because it’s too much like work, what with all of the lying involved.

A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

“Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer.

“Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter. “In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ‘here lies an honest lawyer.”

“But that won’t let people know who it is,” protested the lawyer.

“Certainly will,” retorted the stonecutter. “People will read it and exclaim “That’s Strange!”

A man sat down at a bar, looked into his shirt pocket and ordered a double scotch.

A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he’d had enough.

The bartender said, “I’ve got to ask you -- what’s with the pocket business?”

“Oh,” said the man, “I have my lawyer’s picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I’ve had enough.”

Lawyer: “Let me give you my honest opinion.”

Client: “No, no. I’m paying for professional advice.”

What do lawyers do after they die?

They lie still.

What do honest lawyers and UFO's have in common?

You always hear about them, but you never see them.

How can you tell a lawyer is lying?

Other lawyers look interested.

One juror overheard saying to another...”You’ll notice that neither the prosecutor or defense attorney swore to tell the truth!”
There’s an interesting new novel about two ex-convicts. One of them studies to become a lawyer, and the other decides to go straight.
How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.

How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

His lips are moving.

“There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law. No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.”

-- Jean Giradoux

“It is hard to say whether the doctors of law or of divinity have made the greater advances in the lucrative business of mystery.”

-- Samuel Goldwyn

An independent woman started her own business. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in. Pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, and so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case.

“Look,” said one to the other, “let’s be honest with each other.”

“Okay, you first,” replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion.

Lawyers as Money Grubbers

An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney’s office as his lawyer handed him his will. “Your estate is very complex,” said the lawyer, “but I’ve made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500.”

Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said “$500,” the old man wrote out his check and left.

When she got off the phone and realized the old man’s mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. “Oh well,” she said to herself, “$500 for one hour’s work isn’t bad.”

A Brooklyn lawyer, a used car salesman and a banker were gathered by a coffin containing the body of an old friend. In his grief, one of the three said, “In my family, we have a custom of giving the dead some money, so they’ll have something to spend over there.”

They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.

Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer?

You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.

When my attorney told his clients that he had a sliding fee schedule, what he meant was that after he billed you, it was financially hard to get back on your feet.
What do a baker and an attorney have in common?

They both enjoy carving up the pie.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Your lightbulb or theirs?

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

How many can you afford?

What's the difference between a law firm and a circus?

At a circus, the clowns don't charge the public by the hour.

“In the law, the only thing certain is the expense.”

-- Samuel Butler

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut, but the barber refused, saying, "you do God’s work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.

My lawyer suggested that before I criticize someone, I walk a mile in his shoes. That way, the lawyer told me, I'll be a mile away from him, and I'll have his shoes.
A famous lawyer found himself at heaven’s gates confronting St. Peter. He protested that it was all a mistake -- he was only 49 and far too young to be dead.

“That’s odd,” said St. Peter, “according to the hours you’ve billed you’re 119 years old.”

Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, "Oh, look! A nut!" The second squirrel jumped on it and said, "It’s my nut!"

The first squirrel said, "That’s not fair! I saw it first!"

"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn’t quarrel.

Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."

Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I’ll take the meat."

We used to joke about “Having the best judge money can buy.” No more. Today, by the time you get through paying your lawyer, you don’t have anything left for a judge.
St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

“Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?” he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.

“I was a good father,” he answers.

“Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance.”

St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.

The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.

But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.

At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, “C’mon, Penny, let’s get out of here.”

A lawsuit has been called a method of extracting half of a debt by demanding double the payment.
If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?

It might be your bicycle.

A group of dinner guests were blaming all of America’s troubles on lawyers when a woman said, “They aren’t all so bad. Why, last year a lawyer gave me $1000.”

“I don’t believe it,” the host responded.

“It’s true, I swear it,” said the woman. “I had a complicated personal injury case and what with the lawyer’s fee, the cost of expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal and so on, my bill was $41,000. When the judgment only amounted to $40,000, my lawyer simply forgave the difference.”

A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain.

"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."

"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."

"I'll take it," the attorney said.

Three proud mothers were describing the virtues of their children. The first said, “My daughter, the surgeon, has invented a new artificial liver that has saved the lives of countless patients.”

The second proudly proclaimed, “My son, the physicist, has developed a new energy source capable of heating thousands of homes with absolutely no pollution.”

“That is nothing,” replied the third, “my son the lawyer has discovered a new accounting system that allows him to bill clients for the time he spends on the golf course!”

A man who had been caught embezzling millions from his employer went to a lawyer seeking defense. He didn’t want to go to jail. But his lawyer told him, “Don’t worry. You’ll never have to go to jail with all that money.” And the lawyer was right. When the man was sent to prison, he didn’t have a dime.
Why is money green?

Because lawyers pick it up before it is ripe.

A lawyer was driving his big BMW down the highway, singing to himself, "I love my BMW, I love my BMW." Focusing on his car, not his driving, he smashed into a tree. He miraculously survived, but his car was totaled. "My BMW! My BMW!" he sobbed.

A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"

The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"

Client: Excuse me, do you have a moment? If I pay you $150, will you answer three questions for me?

Lawyers: Yes. Yes. Now then, what is your third question?

Lawyer: “Judge, I wish to appeal my client’s case on the basis of newly discovered evidence.”

Judge: “And what is the nature of the new evidence?”

Lawyer: “Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.

“You’re a cheat!” shouted the client to his lawyer. “You’re a scoundrel! You’ve kept me hanging for months and got rich on my case alone!”

“That’s gratitude,” said the offended lawyer. “And right after I named my new yacht after you.”

“I’m beginning to think that my lawyer is too interested in making money.”

“Why do you say that?”

“Listen to this from his bill: ‘For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00.’”

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go -- and couldn’t return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”

The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”

“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.

The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers -- we had $100 when we broke in!"

Two probate lawyers were overheard while discussing a current case:

“It’s such a splendid estate. What a shame to squander it on the beneficiaries.”

A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: “Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!” The defendant answered, “No, we won.”
Some academics, discussing the Gulf War with a general, were keen to understand why it had ended so quickly.

“Well,” said the general, “we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers. When the time came, we ordered them to charge -- and boy, did they know how to charge.”

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"

He calls up the lawyer.

"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"

The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"

The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."

"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"

The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."

"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"

The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."

"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"

A young attorney who had taken over his father’s practice rushed home elated one night.

“Dad, listen,” he shouted, “I’ve finally settled that old McKinney suit.”

“Settled it!” cried his astonished father. “Why, I gave that to you as an annuity for life.”

A client who felt his legal bill was too high asked his lawyer to itemize costs. The statement included this item:

"Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. --- $50.00."

How was copper wire invented?

Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.

The following true story from a woman in San Diego proves that jokes can never compete with real life when lawyers are involved:

“I received a speeding ticket while I was employed as a legal secretary to a sole practitioner. The attorney I worked for offered to appear in court for me as a favor (he felt guilty for underpaying me over the six years I assisted him). When the judge asked what my plea would be, he said, ‘Your honor, my client pleads guilty to the speeding violation, but I ask that you dismiss the fine because my client cannot afford to pay it; she isn’t making very much money at this time.’

“The judge asked, ‘ What does your client do for a living?’

“‘Your honor,’ my boss replied, ‘she is my secretary.’

“At this point the whole courtroom erupted into laughter -- and the judge dismissed the fine.

“I no longer work for this attorney; I’m looking for a higher-paying position!”

After his graduation from college, the son of a Spanish lawyer was considering his future. He went to his father and asked if he might be given a desk in the corner from which he could observe his father’s activities and be introduced to his father’s clients as a clerk. His observations would help him decide whether or not to become a lawyer. His father thought this was a great idea and immediately helped to set it up.

The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer -- a rough-hewn man with calloused hands who was dressed in workman’s clothing. He said,

“Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows.”

The lawyer said, “Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!”

The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a landowner. He said, “My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows.”

The lawyer said, “Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!”

After the client left, the lawyer’s son could not help but express his concern. “Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concerning these cows.”

“DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!” the lawyer said. “The cows will be ours!”

Partners at a big law firm gather for a picture at their annual dinner. All look glum.

The photographer tries several jokes to lighten the mood, but none work.

Finally, inspiration hits. “Just say ‘fees,’” he says.

Lawyer: Now that your case is settled, I'd like to explain my fees to you. You owe me $500 now and $347.26 a month for the next 36 months.

Client: "I've never heard of such a fee schedule! Why, it sounds like car payments!"

Lawyer: "You're right -- mine."

Running into a lawyer’s private office, a butcher yelled angrily, “If a dog steals a hunk of meat from my shop, is his owner obligated to pay?”

“Sure,” replied the lawyer.

“Okay then, your dog just stole half a rib roast worth $20 from my shop.”

“Give him the other half,” said the lawyer, “and it will cover my consultation fee.”

Lawyers in Love

A woman sat down next to a lawyer at a bar and said to him, “I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $50.”

The lawyer got out the $50 instantly and said, “Paint my house!”

What do lawyers use for birth control?

Their personalities.

“I decided law was the exact opposite of sex; even when it was good it was lousy.”

-- Mortimer Zuckerman

A lawyer and his attractive female client are in private consultation.

"Kiss me," she says.

"No," replies the attorney, "that would be unprofessional."

"Oh, please, just kiss me," she whispers.

"No, I can't. It would be a violation of professional ethics," the lawyer says.

"Oh, I really want you to kiss me," she murmurs.

"No, I can't! Don't ask me to," says the lawyer. "I probably shouldn't even be screwing you!"

Did you hear about the lawyer who was so lazy that he married a pregnant woman?
Did you hear they came out with a new Barbie doll called "Divorced Barbie"?

Yeah, it comes with all of Ken's stuff.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

“Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”

“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.”

What’s a good wedding present for a lawyer who marries a snake?

Towels marked Hiss and Hiss.

She: You just don’t care anymore!

He: You’re just upset. Why don’t I buy you something to make you feel better?

She: Like what?

He: How about a trip to Europe?

She: No.

He: What about a new Jaguar?

She: No.

He: Well, what DO you want?

She: A divorce.

He: (Pause) I wasn’t planning on spending that much.

A doctor told her patient that his test results indicated that he had a rare disease and had only six months to live.

“Isn’t there anything I can do?” pleaded the patient.

“Marry a lawyer,” the doctor advised. “It will be the longest six months of your life.”

Why is doing business with a lawyer almost like having sex while using a condom?

Because you enjoy a wonderful feeling of safety and security while you know you're being screwed!

A lawyer trying to get tickets to Rent, the blockbuster show of the year, finally settled for a couple of seats a year in advance. When the exciting night arrived, the woman in front of the lawyer noticed the empty seat next to him and asked why such a valuable commodity was unused. The lawyer replied that his wife couldn't make it. The woman asked him if he didn't have relatives or friends who could have used the seat. He replied, "Oh, they're all at the funeral."
A young man struck up a communication with a young lass in a singles bar. All went well until he admitted he was a dentist, at which point she lost interest. The next evening and again the next, pretty much the same thing happened.

Finally on the fourth night the bartender, who had overheard much of what had transpired, took the dentist aside and explained that this was primarily a lawyers' hangout and most of the women patrons seemed to prefer them.

The dentist took the hint and told the next young woman he found attractive that he was a partner at Babble, Grabble and Scrabble. She was enthusiastic and before long he happily found himself testing the softness of her feather bed.

As he gave way to the delights of the moment he thought "Hey, this is great. I've only been a lawyer for an hour and a half and I'm already screwing someone."

Do you know why being a lawyer is the opposite of sex?

Because it’s all bad and some is worse.

The lawyer wandered home at 3 AM. His wife became very upset, telling him, “You’re late! You said you’d be home by 11:45!” The lawyer replied, “I’m right on time. I said I’d be home by a quarter of twelve.”

Lawyers in Hell

God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all.

When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, “And where do you think you’re going to find a lawyer?”

A well-known evangelist of the last century, Lorenzo Dow, arrived in a Kansas town one very cold winter night. Looking for heat, he went into the general store.

Around the stove were gathered the local lawyers, talking shop, and not about to let a stranger in to share the warmth.

When finally able to introduce himself, he mentioned that he’d had a vision in a dream a short time before. “Like Dante’s immortal traveler, I was given a tour of Hell.”

“Well, Mr. Dow, what did you find there?” inquired one of his listeners.

“The same thing I find here,” replied the preacher. “All the lawyers right in the hottest place.”

They moved over and made room for him.

The devil visited a young lawyer’s office and made him an offer.

“I can arrange some things for you,” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife’s soul, your children’s souls and their children’s souls must rot in hell for eternity.”

The lawyer thought for a moment and said, “What’s the catch?”

A minister and lawyer were chatting at a party:

"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.

"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"

The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."

Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?

They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, “You can’t take it with you.”

After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

“Oh, that darned old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”

“Virtue in the middle,” said the Devil, as he sat down between two lawyers.

-- Danish proverb

By some miracle we still don't understand, a lawyer found himself in the very long serving line of a cafeteria in Heaven. As the newest arrival, he was at the end of the line.

From out of nowhere, a man dressed in a very expensive suit and equally expensive shoes grabbed a tray and proceeded to barge into the line at the head of it.

This naturally irritated the new arrival and, unable to let it go unnoticed, blurted out, "Where does that lawyer get off playing God?"

"Hush," said the woman ahead of him, "that's God pretending to be a lawyer."

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulfurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman.

“That’s unfair!” he cried. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.”

“Shut up,” barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”

What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?

Another lawyer.

Having passed on, the lawyer found himself with the devil in a room filled with clocks. Each clock turned at a different speed and was labeled with the name of a different occupation. After examining all the clocks, the lawyer turned to the devil and said, “I have two questions. First, why does each clock move at a different speed?”

“They turn at the rate at which that occupation sins on earth,” replied the devil. “What’s your second question?”

“Well,” said the lawyer. “I can’t seem to find my occupation. Where is the lawyers’ clock?”

Puzzled, the devil scanned the room. “Oh, yes!” he finally exclaimed. “We keep that clock in the workshop and use it for a fan.”

As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthesia after surgery, he said, “Why are all the blinds drawn, doctor?”

“There’s a big fire across the street,” the doctor replied. “We didn’t want you to think the operation was a failure.”

An engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gone down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an automobile accident.

They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, “St. Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy to be in

heaven, but we miss very much the opportunity to have our wedding vows
celebrated. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?”

St. Peter looked at him and said, “I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment in two weeks from Wednesday.”

Come the appointed day, the couple was escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, “I tell you what; wait a year and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again.”

A year went by and the couple, still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again, the Lord God Almighty said, “I'm sorry to disappoint you but you must wait another year, and then I will consider your request.”

This happened year after year, for ten years. Each time they reasserted their yearning to be married; each time God put them off for another year.

In the tenth year, they came before they Lord God Almighty to ask again. This time the Lord answered, “Yes, you may marry! This Saturday at 2:00

p.m. We will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!”

The wedding went off without a hitch. The bride looked beautiful. The Buddha did the flower arrangements for which Moses wove simple yet elegant baskets. Jesus prepared the fish course. All of heaven's denizens attended, and a good time was had by all.

Tragically, but perhaps inevitably, within a few weeks, the newlyweds realized that they had made a horrible mistake. They simply couldn't stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty. Groveling and frightened, they asked if they could get a divorce.

The Lord heard their request, looked at them, and said, “Look, it took us TEN YEARS to find a priest up here in heaven. Do you have any idea how long it'll take us to find a lawyer?”

Courtroom Behavior

Farmer Joe was suing a trucking company for injuries sustained in an accident.

In court, the company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"

Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several months after the accident, he is suing my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

"I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

"Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

"He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"

The judge admonished the witness, "Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?"

"I do."

"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"

"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."

Mary reported for jury duty and immediately asked to be excused because she was prejudiced.

“I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin.”

“Sit down,” said the judge. “That is the prosecuting attorney.”

A defendant was on trial for murder in Oklahoma. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.

In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."

He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t."

First lawyer: “Unmitigated liar!”

Second lawyer: “Lowdown cheat!”

Judge: “Now that the lawyers have identified themselves, let us proceed.”

A lawyer who had a trial scheduled walked into the courtroom and saw her opponent. "Are those people over there your witnesses?" her opponent asked. When the lawyer said yes, the other replied, "Then you win. I've used those witnesses twice myself."
“When you have no basis for an argument, abuse the plaintiff.”

-- Cicero

The defendant, who was on trial for assault and battery, claimed he barely pushed the victim. The prosecuting attorney, treating this story with derision, aggressively cross-examined the defendant. Finally, the prosecutor invited the defendant to step down from the witness box and demonstrate with the prosecutor how hard he had pushed the victim.

Secretly, the prosecutor assumed that, reacting to the hostility of the cross-examination, the accused would push him fairly hard, thereby guaranteeing his conviction.

The defendant no sooner stepped off the witness stand when he started punching and battering the prosecutor. Finally, after he had given him a righteous thrashing, he turned to the jury.

“I pushed the victim in this case about 1/20th that hard.”

The jury unanimously acquitted him.

We heard of a lawyer who said, in the summation of his case, “And, if it please the court, if I am wrong in this, I have another argument that is equally conclusive.”
A musical lawyer that I know never lost a case. Whenever he questioned the appropriateness of testimony, with a long drawn out “Objectioooo.....n,” the judge had to admit it was sustained.
A young lawyer with her first big case held forth to the jury hour after hour, straying far from the point of the case.

When she finally sat down, her more experienced adversary rose and, turning to the jury, said, “I’ll follow the example set by my learned opponent and submit this case to you without argument.”

“Your Honor, in the first place, as they say, I am going to say it. I was going to say what you said and the reason I am going to say it, is not because you just said it. If you had not said it, I was going to say it first.”

-- A lawyer speaking to a judge

“It’s better to enter the mouth of a tiger than a court of law.”

-- Chinese proverb

Court: A room wherein are commonly found large numbers of thieves, rapists, muggers, arsonists, perverts, degenerates and lawyers.
Murphy, a lawyer, bribed a man on his client's jury to hold out for a charge of manslaughter, as opposed to the charge of murder that had been brought by the state. The jury was out for several days before they returned with the manslaughter verdict.

When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.

"Sure did," the juror replied. "The other eleven wanted to acquit."

A man charged with stealing a car was acquitted at his trial. Later the same day, he went back to the courtroom and approached the judge.

“Your honor,” he said, “I want to get out a warrant for that crooked lawyer of mine.”

“Why?” asked the judge. “She won your acquittal. What do you want to have her arrested for?”

“Well, your honor,” replied the man, “I didn’t have the money to pay her fee, so she went and took the car I stole.”

Then there is the old story involving the theft of some chickens:

The Judge: Are you the defendant?

Defendant: Nope. I'm the guy who stole the chickens.

A lawyer cross-examined the adversary’s main witness. “You claim to have stopped by Mrs. Edwards’ house just after breakfast. Will you tell the jury what she said?”

“Objection, your honor,” shouted the other lawyer.

There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.

“So,” the first lawyer continued, “Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?”

“Nothing,” said the witness. “No one was home.”

A slightly unsure witness to a car crash kept saying things like, “I think the light was yellow,” or, “I think it was still raining.”

The cross-examining lawyer interrupted, saying derisively, “We don’t care what you think. What do you know?”

The harried witness paused for a moment and then replied, “Then I may as well leave the witness stand. Since I’m not a lawyer, I can’t talk without thinking.”

Lawyers in the Woods

The prominent middle-aged attorney was walking in the woods when he heard a booming voice from above say, "You are going to live to be 100."

That must be God speaking, the attorney thought. Immediately he began doing good deeds, figuring out that he now had ample time to make amends in order to enter Heaven. But as he left the homeless shelter where he had just volunteered an hour of his services, he was hit by a bus and killed.

Coming face to face with God, the attorney protested, "You promised me I was going to live to be 100. Instead, the very first day I did a good deed, I got hit by a bus and here I am. Why?"

"I didn’t recognize you," replied God.

Two lawyers walking through the woods spotted a vicious-looking bear. The first lawyer immediately opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of sneakers and started putting them on.

The second lawyer looked at him and said, “You’re crazy -- you’ll never be able to outrun that bear!”

“I don’t have to,” the first lawyer replied. “I only have to outrun you.”

A very wealthy lawyer retreated for several weeks each year to his summer home in the backwoods of Maine. Every summer, he would invite one friend or another to stay with him there for a week or two. One summer he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to visit him. The friend, happy to get anything free from a lawyer, eagerly agreed. When the time came, they spent a wonderful time, getting up early every morning and enjoying the great outdoors. One morning, as the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian friend were picking raspberries and blueberries for their breakfast, they were approached by two huge bears -- a male and a female. The lawyer noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky. The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. Seeing this, the lawyer ran back to his Mercedes and raced for the nearest town to get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his high-powered rifle and raced back to the berry area with the lawyer. All the while, he was plagued by visions of lawsuits from his friend’s family. He just had to save his friend. Luckily, the bears were still there. “He’s in THAT one!” cried the lawyer, pointing to the male. The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female. “What did you do that for?!” exclaimed the lawyer, “I said he was in the other bear!” “Exactly,” replied the sheriff, “and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?”

Lawyers as Blockheads

The other day a lawyer remarked to a friend, “I just finished a puzzle and it only took me five months.”

“Five months?” her friend asked. “That seems like an awfully long time to do a puzzle.”

“Not at all,” she explained. “The box says 6 to 12 years.”

A lawyer was on his cell phone, calling a locksmith.

"I locked my keys in my sports car!" said the nervous lawyer.

"No problem, I should be there in about an hour," replied the locksmith.

"Do you think you can make it a little sooner?" pleaded the lawyer. "My top is down and it’s starting to rain."

Lawyers and computers have both been proliferating since 1970. Unfortunately, lawyers, unlike computers, have not gotten twice as smart and half as expensive every 18 months.
The State's Attorney was approaching the Suwanee River when he noticed a sign, "Caribbean Cruise -- $99.00". He stopped and bought a ticket, whereupon the salesman hit him on the head, wrapped him in a rug and threw him in the river.

The Public Defender noticed the same sign. He too bought a ticket, got hit on the head, wrapped in a rug and tossed in the river.

The Public Defender awoke and called out to the State's Attorrney, "Do they serve drinks on this cruise?"

The State's Attorney replied, "They didn't last year!"

A diminutive lawyer, appearing as a witness in one of the courts, was asked by the opposing attorney, who was a giant 6’8”, what he did for a living. The witness replied that he was a lawyer.

“You? A lawyer?” said the huge attorney. “Why, I could put you in my pocket.”

“Very likely you could,” replied the other. “But if you did, you’d have more law in your pocket than you ever had in your head.”

After examining the contents of the employee suggestion box, the senior partner of the law firm complained, “I wish they’d be more specific. What kind of kite? What lake?”
A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked up the phone and said, “I’m sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and won’t be able to look into this for at least a month.”

He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked, “What can I do for you, sir?”

“Nothing,” replied the man. “I’m just here to hook up your phone.”

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: “Have you ever been arrested?”

He answered “no.”

The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question yes, was “why?” Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it “Never got caught.”

Did you hear about the clever multi-millionaire who figured out a way to be sure his family actually ended up with most of his fortune?

How did he do it?

Left one-third of his millions to one of the smartest probate lawyers in the country on the condition that the other two-thirds ended up going to his family.

Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.

They were still arguing when the train hit them.

A man went to a brain surgeon to request a brain transplant. He noted prices were different for brains available from various donors. A doctor’s brain was $500, a banker’s brain was $1,500 and a scientist's brain was $2,500. Then he noticed a brain in the far recesses of the room that had a price tag of $50,000. When he inquired about the unusually high price, the surgeon replied, “Oh, that’s a lawyer’s brain -- it’s never been used!”
A lawyer discussing trial strategy with his partner said, “When I address the jury, I’ll plead for clemency.”

“Nothing doing!” shouted his partner. “Let Clemency get his own lawyer.”

“Education is worth a whole lot. Just think -- with enough education and brains the average man would make a good lawyer -- and so would the average lawyer.”

-- Gracie Allen

A lawyer’s job is secure -- who would build a robot to do nothing?

Law School

Applying for a job, the new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school tuition would be a problem.

“No,” he replied. “I paid that back right after my first case.”

“Really,” said the interviewer. “What case was that?”

“Uh -- well, my dad sued me for it and won.”

At the rate law schools are turning them out, by 2050 there will be more lawyers than humans.
A blizzard struck one February evening, and the next morning the streets were impassable. One student who lived two miles from the campus and who normally commuted by elevated railway heard on the radio that the el was not running. Dutifully he trudged through the snow-filled sidewalks, arriving twenty minutes late for his Contracts class. There at the podium the professor was holding forth to an audience of one. Instead of taking his regular assigned seat, the student slipped into the seat next to the other fellow. The new arrival listened to the lecture and after a while leaned toward the other student.

"What's he talking about?" he whispered.

"How should I know?" came the reply. "I got here five minutes before you did."

-- David Levin

Where do vampires learn to suck blood?

Law school.

What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?

A lobotomy.

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, “If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?”

The student replied, “Here’s an orange.”

The professor was outraged. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!”

The student then replied, “Okay. I’d tell him ‘I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...’”

What happened to the banker who went to law school?

Now she’s a loan shark.

A checker at the local video rental outlet noticed that there were an inordinate number of requests for Linda Blairs' old movie "The Exorcist." He recognized a couple students from his pre-law class and asked what the attraction was. They told him they thought it would be perfect for their studies, since possession is 9/10th of the law.
Anonymous saying written on a law school wall:

"In law school, time is meaningless; but in time, law school is meaningless."

When applying to medical school, prospective doctors must show that they are caring and compassionate. This is so the medical school will be able to measure its progress as it erases these qualities.

This also explains why applicants to law school must prove that they are honest.

Two of the top partners of a top Houston personal-injury law firm were wooing a hot, young, Ivy League, law school graduate, whom they wanted to recruit very badly.

The firm flew him down, gave him the grand tour, showed him the fabulous suite he'd have, as well as the car and other perks. The grad took all this in, was duly impressed, and told the two partners, "This is all very impressive, and quite generous, but before I could commit to you I have to know one thing: what kind of pro bono program does the firm have?"

The two partners looked at each other, back at the grad, and asked for a minute to confer. In the corner of the conference room, they huddled briefly, then seemed to come to a consensus. They walked back over to the young graduate; whereupon the older, very distinguished partner said, "What's pro bono?"

The reason law schools have been described as “a place for the accumulation of learning” is that first-year students bring some in, third-year students take none out -- and so knowledge accumulates.
Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law graduates, Sally and Edith, were competing for a prestigious job. As part of the job interview, each was asked why she wanted the job. Edith answered that she wanted to work for a firm with a reputation of being concerned with truth and justice. When it was her turn, Sally simply opened her purse, took out a rather thin wallet and laid it on the senior partner’s desk. “I want to fatten it up as fast as possible,” she said. Sally got the job.

How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?

You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Lawyers on Vacation

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"

The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."

The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"

Lawyers don’t tan, they just appeal.
Why don’t you ever see lawyers at the beach?

The cats keep covering them up with sand.

Why should lawyers wear lots of sunscreen when vacationing at a beach resort?

Because they’re used to doing all of their lying indoors.

A lawyer went on vacation to a western dude ranch. Awed by the scenery, she went for a twilight stroll among the cattle. Suddenly, she stepped in something soft.

“Honey!” she shouted to her husband. “I’m melting!”

After years of hard work, Joe took his first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. In a deck chair, he recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from his old hometown.

He crossed the deck, seized the fellow’s hand and said: “Hello, Pete. I haven’t seen you in years. What are you doing these days?”

“I’m practicing law,” whispered Pete. “But don’t tell mother. She thinks I’m still a pimp.”

Lawyers and the Animal Kingdom

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?

Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche with two lawyers riding in it?

A porcupine has pricks on the outside.

What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?

The vulture eventually lets go.

A lion in the London zoo was lying in the sun licking its arse when a visitor turned to the keeper and said, "that's a docile old thing isn't it?"

"No way," said the keeper, "its the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a lawyer into the cage and completely devoured him."

"Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its arse?"

"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."

What’s the difference between a cat and a lawyer?

One is an arrogant creature who will ignore you and treat you with contempt unless it can get something out of you. The other is a house pet.

What’s black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?

A doberman pinscher.

Two tigers were walking single file along a jungle trail. The rearmost tiger wandered off the trail for a few minutes, then reappeared. A few moments later, the front tiger felt what seemed to be the other tiger’s tongue, applied just below his tail. The tiger disapproved of this action, but didn’t want to start anything by bringing it up. Then the tiger felt the tongue again, and in the same place. He decided to confront the tiger behind him, and asked, “Did you just lick me twice in the butt?” That tiger replied, “Yes, sorry about that. I just ate a lawyer and was trying to get the taste out of my mouth.”
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger. The other is a fish.

Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?

Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers.

“A country man between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.”

-- Benjamin Franklin

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

The lawyer charges more.

What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?

The vulture doesn’t get Frequent Flyer Miles.

Why are lawyers like beavers?

They get in the mainstream and dam it up.

Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?

Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.

What is the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?

The vulture doesn’t take its wing-tips off at night.

A lawyer walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender looked up and noticed what looked like a frog growing out of the side of the side of the lawyer’s head. The bartender looked at the lawyer and said "Oh, my goodness -- how did such an awful thing happen?" Before the lawyer could say anything, the frog spoke up and said, "Well, it started off as a small wart on my fanny and it grew into this awful thing."
What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?


What do lawyers and bullfrogs have in common?

Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

A: The lawyer charges more.

Well, no, actually.

A herd of buffalo is forced to eat a load of grass to make a pile of bullshit.

A lawyer forces you to eat a load of bullshit to MAKE a pile of grass ...


None, actually. Both generate thunderous piles of excrement, LOUDLY, while charging non-stop.


One tramples you underfoot while charging non-stop. The other we wiped out in the 1800s.


One will skin you alive to death.

The other we skinned alive to death.


If you meet a herd of buffalo in mid charge you can survive it.


One we shot from trains.

The other we should have. And cars and planes ...


One we nearly made extinct.

The other nearly made us extinct.


We tanned the hides of the four footed type.

The other keeps tanning ours.


One is half bull, half cow.

The is full of bull, and cows everything else.

And in both cases the bulls screw the cows as much as possible. After milking as long as possible.

A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks stated to no one in particular, “Lawyers are horses’ asses.”

Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: “Mister, watch what you say. You’re in horse country.”

What’s the difference between a tick and a lawyer?

The tick drops off when you are dead.

A command was given to a dog: "SPEAK!"

The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"

What is the difference between a poisonous snake and a lawyer?

You can make a pet out of the snake.

The judicial process is like a cow. The public is impaled on its horns, the government has it by the tail, and all the while the lawyers are milking it.
Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?

To practice.

How can you tell the difference between a dead snake and a dead lawyer lying on the highway?

There are skid marks in front of the snake.

Do you know why a rattlesnake will not bite a lawyer?

Professional courtesy!

A blind rabbit and a blind snake ran into each other on the road one day. The snake reached out, touched the rabbit and said, "you're soft and fuzzy and have floppy ears. You must be a rabbit." The rabbit reached out, touched the snake and said "you're slimy, beady-eyed and low to the ground. You must be a lawyer."


How do you define double jeopardy?

When a lawyer calls in her partner.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two. One to change it, and one to kick the stool out from under him.

Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that stuck to it was a second $100 bill.

Immediately the ethical question arose in the attorney’s mind: “Do I tell my partner?”

A lawyer drags in from a day on the golf course looking wasted.

His wife asks, “What’s the matter?’

“My partner, Henry, dropped dead on the fifth green,” the lawyer replied.

“That’s terrible,” said his wife.

“You’d better believe it,” the lawyer said. “After that it was nothing but hit the ball and drag Henry. Hit the ball and drag Henry....”

The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up from the table and said, “I have to go back to the office -- I forgot to lock the safe!”

“What are you worried about?” asked the other. “We’re both here.”

Two lawyers when a knotty case was o'er,

Shook hands, and were as friendly as before.

Said the client, "Tell me how

You can be friends, who fought just now."

"Thou fool!" said one. "We lawyers, though so keen,

Like shears, ne'er cut ourselves, but what's between."

-- Burl Ives

A paralegal, an associate and a partner of a prestigious law firm are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you

just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in the Bahamas,

driving a speedboat with Brad Pitt."

Poof! She’s gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the associate. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other."

Poof! He’s gone.

"You’re next," the Genie says to the partner.

The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

A lawyer lies dying, his partner of 40 years by his bedside.

“Jack, I’ve got to confess. I’ve been sleeping with your wife for 30 years and I’m the father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I’ve been stealing from the firm for a decade.”

“Relax,” says Jack, “and don’t think another thing about it. I’m the one who put arsenic in your martini.”

And Justice for None

A junior partner in a law firm was sent to a far away country to represent a long-term client accused of robbery. After days of trial, the case was won, the client acquitted and released.

Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: “Justice prevailed.”

The senior partner replied in haste, “Appeal immediately.”

“When there are too many policemen, there can be no liberty;

When there are too many soldiers, there can be no peace;

When there are too many lawyers, there can be no justice.”

-- Lin Yutang

What’s the difference between baseball and law?

In baseball, if you’re caught stealing, you’re out.

“A country man between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats.”

-- Benjamin Franklin

“I was never ruined but twice -- once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I gained one.”

-- Voltaire

“Litigation is a machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage.”

-- Ambrose Bierce

“In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.”

-- Lenny Bruce

When asked “What is a contingent fee?” a lawyer answered, “A contingent fee to a lawyer means, if I don’t win your suit, I get nothing. If I do win it, you get nothing.”
May you have a lawsuit in which you are sure you are right.

-- Mexican curse

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. "Isn't it true," he bellowed, "that you accepted $5000 to compromise this case?"

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted $5000 to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."

"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you!"

“Lawyers have been known to wrest from reluctant juries triumphant verdicts of acquittal for their clients, even when those clients, as often happens, were clearly and unmistakably innocent.”

-- Oscar Wilde

Judges and Lawyers

The first lawyer questioning a panel of prospective jurors began right off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, “Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?” they stiffened and hesitated.

Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, “I do.”

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 40?

Your Honor.

“All in all I'd rather have been a judge than a miner. And what's more, being a miner, as soon as you are too old and tired and sick and stupid to do the job properly, you have to go. Well, the very opposite applies with judges.”

-- Peter Cook

It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his way home rear-ended the car in front of him. The lawyer got out of his car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said, “Boy, are you in trouble. I’m a lawyer!”

The driver looked out his window and said, “No, you’re in trouble. I’m a judge.”

There was the time the judge was asked to contribute 10 bucks to a lawyer’s funeral. “Here’s a hundred,” he said. “Bury 10 of ‘em.”
An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell. When the attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told, “We have all of the judges.”
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn’t true.

“I’m as sober as you are, your honor,” the man claimed.

The judge replied, “Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.”

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, “Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense.”
A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander. “Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard them,” instructed the lawyer.

The witness hesitated. “But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear,” she protested.

“Then,” said the attorney, “just whisper them to the judge.”

Two duck hunters ran into one another early one morning. One of them noticed that the other's dog was just sitting there, with no interest in retrieving any of the fowl his master downed.

The first hunter asked, "What's wrong with your dog? The last time I saw you two he was one of the best bird dogs I'd ever seen!"

"Well," the other hunter replied, "His name's Lawyer. He used to run all over creation, working hard and getting the job done. Then one day someone made the mistake of calling him Judge, so now all he does is sit on his ass and bark."

A persistent job-seeker once appeared before President Lincoln and demanded an appointment to a judgeship. He was informed that there were no vacancies. The next day, while walking along the river, he saw a drowned man being pulled out, and recognized him as a federal judge.

He ran back to the White House and demanded the position. “Sorry,” said the President, “but the lawyer who saw that judge fall in beat you here by a good five minutes.”

What Is a Lawyer?

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

Only one in two million ever does anything worthwhile.

“Lawyer: An individual whose principal role is to protect his clients from others of his profession.”

-- Anonymous

Any time a lawyer is seen but not heard, it’s a shame to wake him.
Why is an avocado like a lawyer? (both are “avocat” in French)

Both have hearts like stones.

At a meeting of the bar association a famous attorney was boasting about his new glass eye. He claimed that it was so realistic that no one could tell which was the false one. All of the lawyers present nodded in astonished belief while the layman present blurted out, “It’s obvious that the left one is phony!” The attorney, shocked that his secret was so easily discovered, asked the layman how he knew. He replied, “Why, it’s easy, the fake one is the one with a gleam of humanity.”
How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One: the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a great lawyer?

A good lawyer knows the law.

A great lawyer knows the judge.

Children who never come when called will grow up to be doctors.

Children who come before they are called will grow up to be lawyers.

“The minute you read something you don’t understand, you can be almost sure it was drawn up by a lawyer.”

-- Will Rogers

A small town that can’t support one lawyer can always support two.
What do you get if you put 100 lawyers in your basement?

A whine cellar.

How does a pregnant woman know she is carrying a future lawyer?

She has an extreme craving for baloney.

Four doctors who hadn’t seen each other since their surgical residencies met at a medical seminar. Adjourning for dinner and drinks, they turned their conversation to who makes the best surgical patients:

The first said, for sure, electrical engineers. “You open ‘em up,” he contended, “and everything is color-coded.”

“Nah,” said the second. “It’s librarians. You open ‘em up and everything is alphabetized.”

The third scoffed. “Of course not,” he said. “It’s accountants. You open ‘em up and everything is numbered.”

“Lawyers,” said the fourth, with a shake of his head. “It’s lawyers, you idiots! No heart, no guts, no spine, and the ass and the brain are interchangeable.”

What is the definition of a lawyer?

A mouth with a life-support system.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?


* 8 to argue

* 1 to get a continuance

* 1 to object

* 1 to demur

* 2 to research precedents,

* 1 to dictate a letter

* 1 to stipulate

* 5 to turn in their time cards

* 1 to depose

* 1 to write interrogatories

* 2 to settle

* 1 to order a secretary to change the bulb, and

* 28 to bill for professional services

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?


What do you get when you cross a librarian with a lawyer?

All the information you need -- but you can’t understand a word of it.

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?

An offer you can't understand.

“Personally, I don’t think you can make a lawyer honest by an act of legislature. You’ve got to work on his conscience. And his lack of a conscience is what makes him a lawyer.”

-- Will Rogers

“Lawyer: One skilled in circumvention of the law.”

-- Ambrose Bierce

A former lawyer applied to a government contractor for a job. The contractor asked him what he could do. "I'll be a consultant," the lawyer said.

"We have enough consultants," the contractor said.

"I know all about what's going on in government," the lawyer said. "I'll be an advisor."

"We have enough advisors," the contractor said.

By now the lawyer was becoming a little desperate. "Look," he said, "I'm not overly proud. I'll help you with paperwork, sort of like a clerk."

"Sorry," said the contractor. "We have more than enough clerks.

With that the lawyer got upset. Jumping to his feet, he turned toward the door and shouted, "Well, to work for you, I'd have to be a low-down, double-dealing SOB anyhow."

"You didn't say you were a lawyer!" exclaimed the contractor. "Do sit down."

There are two kinds of lawyers, those that know the law and those that know the judge.
What’s the difference between God and a lawyer?

God doesn’t think she’s a lawyer.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

Vampires only suck blood at night.

How many lawyers can you place on the point of a needle?

Ten, if you make them stand on their heads.

“Lawyers may often do well, but not often by doing good... even when they try.”

-- Charles E. Sherman

“Lawyers: persons who write a 10,000 word document and call it a brief.”

-- Franz Kafka

A group of professional men had finished a day’s hunt and were relaxing around the fire. Their hunting dogs occupied a clearing nearby. One of the men observed that it was remarkable how the dogs had acquired the traits of their owners.

The musician’s dog was softly howling strains of the Moonlight sonata. The engineer’s dog was using his paw to perform calculations in the dust.

The lawyer’s dog was screwing all the rest.

A doctor, an engineer and a lawyer were arguing over whose was the oldest profession. The doctor asserted that, of course, a physician removed Adam’s rib to create Eve. The engineer disagreed and said, “Of course, an engineer had to have constructed the Garden of Eden.”

“I have you both beaten,” the lawyer gloated. “Before Adam and Eve, before the Garden of Eden, before all creation, there was a state of chaos, and who but lawyers could have created that?”

Have you heard about the lawyers’ word processor?

No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Two women are on a transcontinental balloon voyage. Their craft is engulfed in fog, their compass gone awry. Afraid of landing in the ocean, they drift for days. Suddenly, the clouds part to show a sunlit meadow below. As they descend, they see a man walking his dog.

One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, “Where are we?”

The man yells back, “About a half mile from town.”

Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, “He must have been a lawyer.”

The other says, “A lawyer! How do you know that?”

The first says, “That’s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant.”

“Lawyers earn a living by the sweat of browbeating others.”

-- James Gibbons Haneker

Three surgeons were discussing their favorite type of patients. The first said: “I like artists. When you cut them open, they are awash with color inside.” The second doctor said: “I much prefer engineers. When you cut them open, everything is orderly and numbered.” “Nonsense,” said the third doctor. “The easiest are attorneys. They have only two parts, their ass and their mouth -- and those are interchangeable.”
“There are three sorts of lawyers -- able, unable and lamentable.”

-- Robert Smith Surtees

What’s the difference between a lawyer and a boxing referee?

A boxing referee doesn’t get paid extra for a longer fight.

Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?

If one side has one, the other side has to get one.

Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled.

And when they land, they screw up everything forever.