Only one if you run him through slowly!
Second person: No.
First person: Good!
In the cemetery.
You shoot the lawyer. Twice.
Not enough sand.
Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.
St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single question.
To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.
Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven didn’t really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to be right. Go ahead."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"
Sautéed Tourist $10
Braised Reporter $12
Fried Diplomat $15
Barbecued Lawyer $110
A customer, noticing the great price differential, asked why lawyers cost so much.
The headhunter replied, “if you had ever tried to clean one of those devils, you would understand.”
Local: Yes. But none of them are in jail.
Leaving the store, the man saw a couple of rats scurrying around the corner; several more were near his car. As he drove, rats appeared from the gutters and side streets until he was nearly overwhelmed. In panic, he threw the brass rat over a bridge railing into a river, and witnessed the army of live rats follow into the depths.
The man hurried back to the store, but the owner cut him short, saying, “Look, I told you there would be no returns.” The man quickly replied, “ Oh no, that’s fine. I was just wondering if you had a brass lawyer.”
You cry when you cut up an onion.
After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'”
Cut the rope.
About three pounds, including the urn.
New Jersey had first choice.
Two reasons: first, they are more plentiful than rats, second, the researchers don’t get as attached to them.
One problem, though, is that no one has been able to extrapolate the test results to human beings.
C’mon Guys! That’s only half the joke about researchers, lab rats and lawyers. There are four, well-known reasons why researchers prefer lawyers to rats:
1. Lawyers are more plentiful. (You got this one.)
2. They are easier to train.
3. Researchers don’t get attached to them. (You got this one, too.)
4. There are some things a rat won’t do.
"For releasing me from the bottle,
I will grant you three wishes," said
"But there's a catch," the genie continued. "For each of your wishes, every lawyer in the world will receive double what you asked for."
First, the man wished for a Ferrari. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of him. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given two Ferraris," said the genie.
"What is your next wish?"
"I could really use a million dollars." replied the man, and POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.
"Now, every lawyer in the world is two million dollars richer," the genie reminded the man, and then asked him for his third wish.
The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
Hey, come to think of it, that’s not a bad idea.
A good start.
Because down deep, they are all nice guys.
When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of having lawyers as clients he replied, "I only build coffins now."
The bad guys threatened that, until all their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.
A. Because deep down they're not such bad guys.
Terrorists have sympathizers.
Not enough cement.
“I don’t understand,” Cindy complained. “When people find out I’m a lawyer, they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?”
Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, “Maybe it just saves time.”
Depends on how thin you slice them.
Question: Who hits the bay first?
Answer: Who cares?!
“My lion ate my lawyer and this is his funeral,” is the reply.
“Could I borrow your lion?” asks the bystander. “I’ve got a lawyer I’d like to have eaten.”
“Sorry, but you’ll have to get at the end of that line,” said the man, pointing to the 200 people following the coffin.
“Well,” replied the librarian, “I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet.”
down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking along the
road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP". Then he
would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest
hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.
"Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked.
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road", replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The happy
priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down
the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road.
Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered there
was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and
narrowly missed the lawyer.
Certain he should've missed the lawyer, the truck driver was very surprised
and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud "THUMP". He felt really guilty
about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, "I'm really sorry
Father. I almost hit that lawyer". "That's okay", replied the priest.
"I got him with the door."
If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.
"Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
When the less evil one died, the surviving sibling promised the church a sizable contribution if the eulogy for the deceased would describe the departed as a saint.
The church needed money, and succeeded in acquiring the contribution without compromising any of its virtue. The eulogy accurately described the life and character of the deceased, identifying and listing the many sins committed. In conclusion, the speaker pointed at the bereaved surviving attorney, saying, "but compared to him, the departed was a saint!"
Because the first thing a child looks up is “dog.” The second is “snake.” And under snake, the encyclopedia says “See Lawyer.”
-- William Shakespeare
Shoot him before he hits the water.
You can't get you finger between the rope and his neck.
The doctor said, “We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years.”
“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.
“It was easy,” the patient replied. “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”
She was also informed that a 1-1/2 pound brain of a surgeon would cost $500 and the 1-1/2 pound brain of a movie star $600.
She replied that since her father had been a famous lawyer she would prefer a lawyer brain. That’s fine, she was told, but that will cost you $10,000.
“What?” she replied incredulously. “If a surgeon's brain only costs $500, why does a lawyer’s brain cost $10,000?”
“Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to get 1-1/2 pounds of brain?” the doctor replied.
“The side that pays your fee,” replied the doctor.
“Darling, it was just a shark,” said his wife when he came to. “You’ve got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere.”
The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.
“Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?” asked the doctor.
“Sure, after the police leave,” replied the attorney.
“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.
“Oh, no!” cried the lab technician. “Your reproductive organs just received a dose of radiation!”
“What does that mean?” asked the worried young man.
“It’s serious,” replied the technician. “All your children will be lawyers.”
"What's wrong with these guys?" fumed the lawyer. "We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
"I don't know," said the doctor, "but I've never seen such
"Here comes the greenskeeper," said the priest. "Let's have a word with him. Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow. aren't they?"
"Oh, yes," said George, "That's the group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our club last year. We let them play here anytime free of charge!"
Everyone was silent for a moment.
Then the priest said, "That's so sad, I think I'll say a prayer for them tonight."
"And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there is anything he can do for them," the doctor added.
"Why can't these guys play at night?" asked the lawyer.
“How’s business?” asked the first.
“Rotten,” replied the other. “Yesterday, I chased an ambulance for twenty miles. When I finally caught up to it, there was already another lawyer hanging on to the bumper.”
An ambulance stopped suddenly.
Of course, astronomers have had pictures of colliding galaxies for quite some time now, but with the vastly improved resolution provided by the Hubble, you can actually see the lawyers rushing to the scene.
From chasing parked ambulances.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
“All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”
Turns out I had it all wrong.
Lawyers don't wear turtlenecks -- they're just uncircumcised!
"An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years. A competent attorney can delay one even longer."
A. Lawyers don't think they're funny and other people don't think they're jokes.
-- Benjamin Franklin
It’s called Sosumi.
-- Charles Dickens
Immediately, one of the travelers, a polite Hindu mathematician, agreed and left for the barn. A short while later he returned and apologetically explained that there were cows in the barn and for religious reasons he could not sleep there.
Another of the guests, a conservative rabbi, volunteered, picked up his bedding and left for the barn. It wasn’t long before he returned complaining that the pig in the barn made it impossible for him to sleep there.
The last of the stranded trio, a lawyer, sighed and grudgingly picked up his bag and shuffled off to the barn.
Soon, there was another knock at the door. When the farmer answered it, there were the cows and the pig.
-- Senator Sam Ervin
One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the lawyer saying, ...
"That's the first time I've ever had a lawyer buy the balls.”
"You can't sell any papers with a 'dog bites man' story, but 'Client Runs Off with Attorney's Funds" -- why, that would sell out a special edition."
-- The Will of a Citizen of Rome
A lawyer but not a thief
Such a thing is beyond belief!
-- 14th century rhyme
“How’s it going?” he was asked.
“Not too bad,” he replied. “I still have my lantern.”
-- Woodrow Wilson
For a lot of time, hire my attorney.
-- Anonymous prison cell graffiti
-- Harry Bender
Priest: "My son, I'll ask your wife to go back home, but you have to promise me that you will stop drinking."
Lawyer: "Yes! Father, I swear!"
A few hours later, the Priest sees the lawyer drinking in a neighborhood bar.
Priest: "My son, you’re lying about your drinking again."
Lawyer: "Father, this is not wine. It is water."
Priest: "I'll be a witness to that, my son."
The Priest leans over and smells the contents of the glass and says, "My son, you’re lying again. This is not water. It is wine.”
Lawyer: “Alleluia, alleluia! Father, the miracle of Cana has come, the water has changed into wine!”
Each was asked this question during their interview: “How much is two plus two?”
The mathematician answered immediately, “Four.”
The economist thought for several minutes and finally answered, “Four, plus or minus one.”
Finally the lawyer stood up, peered around the room and motioned silently for the committee members to gather close to him. In a hushed, conspiratorial tone, he replied, “How much do you want it to be?”
Client: “After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I’m beginning to think I didn’t.”
“That’s wonderful. How about you, Amie?”
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, “My father is a mailman.”
“Thank you, Amie,” said the teacher, “What about your father, Tim?”
Tim proudly stood up and announced, “My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse.”
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Tim’s house and rang the bell. Tim’s father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Tim’s father said, “I’m actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?”
-- Edward Ward
Because it’s too much like work, what with all of the lying involved.
“Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer.
“Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter. “In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ‘here lies an honest lawyer.”
“But that won’t let people know who it is,” protested the lawyer.
“Certainly will,” retorted the stonecutter. “People will read it and exclaim “That’s Strange!”
A few minutes later, the man again peeked into his pocket and ordered another double. This routine was followed for some time, until after looking into his pocket, the man told the bartender he’d had enough.
The bartender said, “I’ve got to ask you -- what’s with the pocket business?”
“Oh,” said the man, “I have my lawyer’s picture in here, and when he starts to look honest, I know I’ve had enough.”
Client: “No, no. I’m paying for professional advice.”
They lie still.
You always hear about them, but you never see them.
Other lawyers look interested.
None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.
His lips are moving.
-- Jean Giradoux
-- Samuel Goldwyn
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an 'honest' lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my dad lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
He squirmed in his seat and admitted, "My dad sued me for the money."
“Look,” said one to the other, “let’s be honest with each other.”
“Okay, you first,” replied the other.
That was the end of the discussion.
Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said “$500,” the old man wrote out his check and left.
When she got off the phone and realized the old man’s mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. “Oh well,” she said to herself, “$500 for one hour’s work isn’t bad.”
They all agreed that this was appropriate. The banker dropped a hundred dollar bill into the casket, and the car salesman did the same. The lawyer took out the bills and wrote a check for $300.
You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you'd been there eight hours.
They both enjoy carving up the pie.
Your lightbulb or theirs?
How many can you afford?
At a circus, the clowns don't charge the public by the hour.
-- Samuel Butler
A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.
A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment, saying, "you serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a free haircut.
“That’s odd,” said St. Peter, “according to the hours you’ve billed you’re 119 years old.”
The first squirrel said, "That’s not fair! I saw it first!"
"Well, you may have seen it, but I have it," argued the second.
At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, "You shouldn’t quarrel.
Let me resolve this dispute." The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, "Now, give me the nut." He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, "See? It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved."
Then he reached over and said, "And for my fee, I’ll take the meat."
“Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?” he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.
“I was a good father,” he answers.
“Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance.”
St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.
The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.
But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.
At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, “C’mon, Penny, let’s get out of here.”
It might be your bicycle.
“I don’t believe it,” the host responded.
“It’s true, I swear it,” said the woman. “I had a complicated personal injury case and what with the lawyer’s fee, the cost of expert witnesses, the expense of the appeal and so on, my bill was $41,000. When the judgment only amounted to $40,000, my lawyer simply forgave the difference.”
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5000."
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."
"I'll take it," the attorney said.
The second proudly proclaimed, “My son, the physicist, has developed a new energy source capable of heating thousands of homes with absolutely no pollution.”
“That is nothing,” replied the third, “my son the lawyer has discovered a new accounting system that allows him to bill clients for the time he spends on the golf course!”
Because lawyers pick it up before it is ripe.
A good Samaritan drove by and cried out, "Sir, sir, you're bleeding! And my god, your left arm is gone!"
The lawyer, horrified, screamed "My Rolex! My Rolex!"
Lawyers: Yes. Yes. Now then, what is your third question?
Judge: “And what is the nature of the new evidence?”
Lawyer: “Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left.
“That’s gratitude,” said the offended lawyer. “And right after I named my new yacht after you.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Listen to this from his bill: ‘For waking up at night and thinking about your case: $25.00.’”
The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. “A million dollars,” he answered, “because I want to donate it to M.I.T.”
The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for $2 million. “I want to give a million to my family,” he explained, “and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research.”
The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer’s ear, “Three million dollars.”
“Why so much more than the others?” asked the interviewer.
The lawyer replied, “If you give me $3 million, I’ll give you $1 million, I’ll keep $1 million, and we’ll send the engineer to Mars.”
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers -- we had $100 when we broke in!"
“It’s such a splendid estate. What a shame to squander it on the beneficiaries.”
“Well,” said the general, “we had a crack regiment at the most sensitive front. It was a special reserve unit made up of lawyers. When the time came, we ordered them to charge -- and boy, did they know how to charge.”
He calls up the lawyer.
"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"
The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"
The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."
"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"
The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."
"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"
The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."
"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"
“Dad, listen,” he shouted, “I’ve finally settled that old McKinney suit.”
“Settled it!” cried his astonished father. “Why, I gave that to you as an annuity for life.”
"Was walking down the street and saw you on the other side. Walked to the corner to cross at the light, crossed the street and walked quickly to catch up with you. Got close and saw it wasn't you. --- $50.00."
Two lawyers were arguing over a penny.
“I received a speeding ticket while I was employed as a legal secretary to a sole practitioner. The attorney I worked for offered to appear in court for me as a favor (he felt guilty for underpaying me over the six years I assisted him). When the judge asked what my plea would be, he said, ‘Your honor, my client pleads guilty to the speeding violation, but I ask that you dismiss the fine because my client cannot afford to pay it; she isn’t making very much money at this time.’
“The judge asked, ‘ What does your client do for a living?’
“‘Your honor,’ my boss replied, ‘she is my secretary.’
“At this point the whole courtroom erupted into laughter -- and the judge dismissed the fine.
“I no longer work for this attorney; I’m looking for a higher-paying position!”
The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer -- a rough-hewn man with calloused hands who was dressed in workman’s clothing. He said,
“Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows.”
The lawyer said, “Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!”
The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a landowner. He said, “My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows.”
The lawyer said, “Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!”
After the client left, the lawyer’s son could not help but express his concern. “Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concerning these cows.”
“DON’T WORRY ABOUT THE COWS!” the lawyer said. “The cows will be ours!”
The photographer tries several jokes to lighten the mood, but none work.
Finally, inspiration hits. “Just say ‘fees,’” he says.
Client: "I've never heard of such a fee schedule! Why, it sounds like car payments!"
Lawyer: "You're right -- mine."
“Sure,” replied the lawyer.
“Okay then, your dog just stole half a rib roast worth $20 from my shop.”
“Give him the other half,” said the lawyer, “and it will cover my consultation fee.”
The lawyer got out the $50 instantly and said, “Paint my house!”
-- Mortimer Zuckerman
"Kiss me," she says.
"No," replies the attorney, "that would be unprofessional."
"Oh, please, just kiss me," she whispers.
"No, I can't. It would be a violation of professional ethics," the lawyer says.
"Oh, I really want you to kiss me," she murmurs.
"No, I can't! Don't ask me to," says the lawyer. "I probably shouldn't even be screwing you!"
Yeah, it comes with all of Ken's stuff.
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.
“Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!”
“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.”
Towels marked Hiss and Hiss.
He: You’re just upset. Why don’t I buy you something to make you feel better?
She: Like what?
He: How about a trip to Europe?
He: What about a new Jaguar?
He: Well, what DO you want?
She: A divorce.
He: (Pause) I wasn’t planning on spending that much.
“Isn’t there anything I can do?” pleaded the patient.
“Marry a lawyer,” the doctor advised. “It will be the longest six months of your life.”
Because you enjoy a wonderful feeling of safety and security while you know you're being screwed!
Finally on the fourth night the bartender, who had overheard much of what had transpired, took the dentist aside and explained that this was primarily a lawyers' hangout and most of the women patrons seemed to prefer them.
The dentist took the hint and told the next young woman he found attractive that he was a partner at Babble, Grabble and Scrabble. She was enthusiastic and before long he happily found himself testing the softness of her feather bed.
As he gave way to the delights of the moment he thought "Hey, this is great. I've only been a lawyer for an hour and a half and I'm already screwing someone."
Because it’s all bad and some is worse.
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, “And where do you think you’re going to find a lawyer?”
Around the stove were gathered the local lawyers, talking shop, and not about to let a stranger in to share the warmth.
When finally able to introduce himself, he mentioned that he’d had a vision in a dream a short time before. “Like Dante’s immortal traveler, I was given a tour of Hell.”
“Well, Mr. Dow, what did you find there?” inquired one of his listeners.
“The same thing I find here,” replied the preacher. “All the lawyers right in the hottest place.”
They moved over and made room for him.
“I can arrange some things for you,” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife’s soul, your children’s souls and their children’s souls must rot in hell for eternity.”
The lawyer thought for a moment and said, “What’s the catch?”
"What do you do if you make a mistake on a case?" the minister asked.
"Try to fix it if it's big; ignore it if it's insignificant," replied the lawyer. "What do you do?"
The minister replied "Oh, more or less the same. Let me give you an example. The other day I meant to say 'the devil is the father of liars,' but I said instead 'the devil is the father of lawyers,' so I let it go."
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox.
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
“Oh, that darned old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”
-- Danish proverb
From out of nowhere, a man dressed in a very expensive suit and equally expensive shoes grabbed a tray and proceeded to barge into the line at the head of it.
This naturally irritated the new arrival and, unable to let it go unnoticed, blurted out, "Where does that lawyer get off playing God?"
"Hush," said the woman ahead of him, "that's God pretending to be a lawyer."
“That’s unfair!” he cried. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.”
“Shut up,” barked the devil, jabbing him with his pitchfork. “Who are you to question that woman’s punishment?”
“They turn at the rate at which that occupation sins on earth,” replied the devil. “What’s your second question?”
“Well,” said the lawyer. “I can’t seem to find my occupation. Where is the lawyers’ clock?”
Puzzled, the devil scanned the room. “Oh, yes!” he finally exclaimed. “We keep that clock in the workshop and use it for a fan.”
“There’s a big fire across the street,” the doctor replied. “We didn’t want you to think the operation was a failure.”
One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gone down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, “St. Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy to be in
St. Peter looked at him and said, “I'm sorry, I've never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I'm afraid you'll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment in two weeks from Wednesday.”
Come the appointed day, the couple was escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request. The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, “I tell you what; wait a year and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again.”
A year went by and the couple, still very much wanting to get married, came back. Again, the Lord God Almighty said, “I'm sorry to disappoint you but you must wait another year, and then I will consider your request.”
This happened year after year, for ten years. Each time they reasserted their yearning to be married; each time God put them off for another year.
In the tenth year, they came before they Lord God Almighty to ask again. This time the Lord answered, “Yes, you may marry! This Saturday at 2:00
The wedding went off without a hitch. The bride looked beautiful. The Buddha did the flower arrangements for which Moses wove simple yet elegant baskets. Jesus prepared the fish course. All of heaven's denizens attended, and a good time was had by all.
Tragically, but perhaps inevitably, within a few weeks, the newlyweds realized that they had made a horrible mistake. They simply couldn't stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty. Groveling and frightened, they asked if they could get a divorce.
The Lord heard their request, looked at them, and said, “Look, it took us TEN YEARS to find a priest up here in heaven. Do you have any idea how long it'll take us to find a lawyer?”
In court, the company's fancy lawyer was questioning Farmer Joe.
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?"
Farmer Joe continued, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman that he was just fine. Now, several months after the accident, he is suing my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
But the judge was interested in Farmer Joe's story and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
"I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
"Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.
"He said, 'Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
"Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?"
"Sure," said the witness. "My side will win."
“I took one look at those shifty eyes and that sleazy polyester suit and I knew that he was guilty as sin.”
“Sit down,” said the judge. “That is the prosecuting attorney.”
In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.
"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."
Answered the jury foreman: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn’t."
Second lawyer: “Lowdown cheat!”
Judge: “Now that the lawyers have identified themselves, let us proceed.”
Secretly, the prosecutor assumed that, reacting to the hostility of the cross-examination, the accused would push him fairly hard, thereby guaranteeing his conviction.
The defendant no sooner stepped off the witness stand when he started punching and battering the prosecutor. Finally, after he had given him a righteous thrashing, he turned to the jury.
“I pushed the victim in this case about 1/20th that hard.”
The jury unanimously acquitted him.
When she finally sat down, her more experienced adversary rose and, turning to the jury, said, “I’ll follow the example set by my learned opponent and submit this case to you without argument.”
-- A lawyer speaking to a judge
-- Chinese proverb
When Murphy paid the corrupt juror, he asked him if he had had a very difficult time convincing the other jurors to see things his way.
"Sure did," the juror replied. "The other eleven wanted to acquit."
“Your honor,” he said, “I want to get out a warrant for that crooked lawyer of mine.”
“Why?” asked the judge. “She won your acquittal. What do you want to have her arrested for?”
“Well, your honor,” replied the man, “I didn’t have the money to pay her fee, so she went and took the car I stole.”
The Judge: Are you the defendant?
Defendant: Nope. I'm the guy who stole the chickens.
“Objection, your honor,” shouted the other lawyer.
There then followed a long argument between the lawyers as to whether the question was proper. Finally, after 45 minutes, the judge allowed it.
“So,” the first lawyer continued, “Please answer the question: What did Mrs. Edwards say when you went to her house after breakfast on December 3rd?”
“Nothing,” said the witness. “No one was home.”
The cross-examining lawyer interrupted, saying derisively, “We don’t care what you think. What do you know?”
The harried witness paused for a moment and then replied, “Then I may as well leave the witness stand. Since I’m not a lawyer, I can’t talk without thinking.”
That must be God speaking, the attorney thought. Immediately he began doing good deeds, figuring out that he now had ample time to make amends in order to enter Heaven. But as he left the homeless shelter where he had just volunteered an hour of his services, he was hit by a bus and killed.
Coming face to face with God, the attorney protested, "You promised me I was going to live to be 100. Instead, the very first day I did a good deed, I got hit by a bus and here I am. Why?"
"I didn’t recognize you," replied God.
The second lawyer looked at him and said, “You’re crazy -- you’ll never be able to outrun that bear!”
“I don’t have to,” the first lawyer replied. “I only have to outrun you.”
“Five months?” her friend asked. “That seems like an awfully long time to do a puzzle.”
“Not at all,” she explained. “The box says 6 to 12 years.”
"I locked my keys in my sports car!" said the nervous lawyer.
"No problem, I should be there in about an hour," replied the locksmith.
"Do you think you can make it a little sooner?" pleaded the lawyer. "My top is down and it’s starting to rain."
The Public Defender noticed the same sign. He too bought a ticket, got hit on the head, wrapped in a rug and tossed in the river.
The Public Defender awoke and called out to the State's Attorrney, "Do they serve drinks on this cruise?"
The State's Attorney replied, "They didn't last year!"
“You? A lawyer?” said the huge attorney. “Why, I could put you in my pocket.”
“Very likely you could,” replied the other. “But if you did, you’d have more law in your pocket than you ever had in your head.”
He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked, “What can I do for you, sir?”
“Nothing,” replied the man. “I’m just here to hook up your phone.”
He answered “no.”
The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question yes, was “why?” Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it “Never got caught.”
How did he do it?
Left one-third of his millions to one of the smartest probate lawyers in the country on the condition that the other two-thirds ended up going to his family.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
“Nothing doing!” shouted his partner. “Let Clemency get his own lawyer.”
-- Gracie Allen
“No,” he replied. “I paid that back right after my first case.”
“Really,” said the interviewer. “What case was that?”
“Uh -- well, my dad sued me for it and won.”
"What's he talking about?" he whispered.
"How should I know?" came the reply. "I got here five minutes before you did."
-- David Levin
The student replied, “Here’s an orange.”
The professor was outraged. “No! No! Think like a lawyer!”
The student then replied, “Okay. I’d tell him ‘I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...’”
Now she’s a loan shark.
"In law school, time is meaningless; but in time, law school is meaningless."
This also explains why applicants to law school must prove that they are honest.
The firm flew him down, gave him the grand tour, showed him the fabulous suite he'd have, as well as the car and other perks. The grad took all this in, was duly impressed, and told the two partners, "This is all very impressive, and quite generous, but before I could commit to you I have to know one thing: what kind of pro bono program does the firm have?"
The two partners looked at each other, back at the grad, and asked for a minute to confer. In the corner of the conference room, they huddled briefly, then seemed to come to a consensus. They walked back over to the young graduate; whereupon the older, very distinguished partner said, "What's pro bono?"
You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
The lawyer replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?"
The doctor replied, "Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds."
The lawyer looked puzzled. "Gee," he asked, "how do you start a flood?"
The cats keep covering them up with sand.
Because they’re used to doing all of their lying indoors.
“Honey!” she shouted to her husband. “I’m melting!”
He crossed the deck, seized the fellow’s hand and said: “Hello, Pete. I haven’t seen you in years. What are you doing these days?”
“I’m practicing law,” whispered Pete. “But don’t tell mother. She thinks I’m still a pimp.”
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
The vulture eventually lets go.
"No way," said the keeper, "its the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a lawyer into the cage and completely devoured him."
"Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its arse?"
"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."
One is an arrogant creature who will ignore you and treat you with contempt unless it can get something out of you. The other is a house pet.
A doberman pinscher.
One is a bottom-dwelling, garbage-eating scavenger. The other is a fish.
Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers.
-- Benjamin Franklin
The lawyer charges more.
The vulture doesn’t get Frequent Flyer Miles.
They get in the mainstream and dam it up.
Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.
The vulture doesn’t take its wing-tips off at night.
Both have a big head that consists mostly of mouth.
A: The lawyer charges more.
Well, no, actually.
A herd of buffalo is forced to eat a load of grass to make a pile of bullshit.
A lawyer forces you to eat a load of bullshit to MAKE a pile of grass ...
None, actually. Both generate thunderous piles of excrement, LOUDLY, while charging non-stop.
One tramples you underfoot while charging non-stop. The other we wiped out in the 1800s.
One will skin you alive to death.
The other we skinned alive to death.
If you meet a herd of buffalo in mid charge you can survive it.
One we shot from trains.
The other we should have. And cars and planes ...
One we nearly made extinct.
The other nearly made us extinct.
We tanned the hides of the four footed type.
The other keeps tanning ours.
One is half bull, half cow.
The is full of bull, and cows everything else.
And in both cases the bulls screw the cows as much as possible. After milking as long as possible.
Hearing this, one of the locals spoke up: “Mister, watch what you say. You’re in horse country.”
The tick drops off when you are dead.
The dog said in return: "Not without my lawyer present!"
You can make a pet out of the snake.
There are skid marks in front of the snake.
When a lawyer calls in her partner.
Two. One to change it, and one to kick the stool out from under him.
Immediately the ethical question arose in the attorney’s mind: “Do I tell my partner?”
His wife asks, “What’s the matter?’
“My partner, Henry, dropped dead on the fifth green,” the lawyer replied.
“That’s terrible,” said his wife.
“You’d better believe it,” the lawyer said. “After that it was nothing but hit the ball and drag Henry. Hit the ball and drag Henry....”
“What are you worried about?” asked the other. “We’re both here.”
Shook hands, and were as friendly as before.
Said the client, "Tell me how
You can be friends, who fought just now."
"Thou fool!" said one. "We lawyers, though so keen,
Like shears, ne'er cut ourselves, but what's between."
-- Burl Ives
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I’ll give each of you
"Me first! Me first!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat with Brad Pitt."
Poof! She’s gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the associate. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other."
Poof! He’s gone.
"You’re next," the Genie says to the partner.
The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
“Jack, I’ve got to confess. I’ve been sleeping with your wife for 30 years and I’m the father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I’ve been stealing from the firm for a decade.”
“Relax,” says Jack, “and don’t think another thing about it. I’m the one who put arsenic in your martini.”
Excited about his success, the attorney e-mailed the firm: “Justice prevailed.”
The senior partner replied in haste, “Appeal immediately.”
When there are too many soldiers, there can be no peace;
When there are too many lawyers, there can be no justice.”
-- Lin Yutang
In baseball, if you’re caught stealing, you’re out.
-- Benjamin Franklin
-- Ambrose Bierce
-- Lenny Bruce
-- Mexican curse
The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn't heard the question. "Isn't it true that you accepted $5000 to compromise this case?" the lawyer repeated.
The witness still did not respond.
Finally, the judge leaned over and said, "Sir, please answer the question."
"Oh," the startled witness said, "I thought he was talking to you!"
-- Oscar Wilde
Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, “I do.”
-- Peter Cook
The driver looked out his window and said, “No, you’re in trouble. I’m a judge.”
“I’m as sober as you are, your honor,” the man claimed.
The judge replied, “Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.”
The witness hesitated. “But they are unfit for any respectable person to hear,” she protested.
“Then,” said the attorney, “just whisper them to the judge.”
The first hunter asked, "What's wrong with your dog? The last time I saw you two he was one of the best bird dogs I'd ever seen!"
"Well," the other hunter replied, "His name's Lawyer. He used to run all over creation, working hard and getting the job done. Then one day someone made the mistake of calling him Judge, so now all he does is sit on his ass and bark."
He ran back to the White House and demanded the position. “Sorry,” said the President, “but the lawyer who saw that judge fall in beat you here by a good five minutes.”
Only one in two million ever does anything worthwhile.
Both have hearts like stones.
One: the lawyer holds it while the rest of the world revolves around him.
A good lawyer knows the law.
A great lawyer knows the judge.
Children who come before they are called will grow up to be lawyers.
-- Will Rogers
A whine cellar.
She has an extreme craving for baloney.
The first said, for sure, electrical engineers. “You open ‘em up,” he contended, “and everything is color-coded.”
“Nah,” said the second. “It’s librarians. You open ‘em up and everything is alphabetized.”
The third scoffed. “Of course not,” he said. “It’s accountants. You open ‘em up and everything is numbered.”
“Lawyers,” said the fourth, with a shake of his head. “It’s lawyers, you idiots! No heart, no guts, no spine, and the ass and the brain are interchangeable.”
A mouth with a life-support system.
* 8 to argue
* 1 to get a continuance
* 1 to object
* 1 to demur
* 2 to research precedents,
* 1 to dictate a letter
* 1 to stipulate
* 5 to turn in their time cards
* 1 to depose
* 1 to write interrogatories
* 2 to settle
* 1 to order a secretary to change the bulb, and
* 28 to bill for professional services
All the information you need -- but you can’t understand a word of it.
An offer you can't understand.
-- Will Rogers
-- Ambrose Bierce
"We have enough consultants," the contractor said.
"I know all about what's going on in government," the lawyer said. "I'll be an advisor."
"We have enough advisors," the contractor said.
By now the lawyer was becoming a little desperate. "Look," he said, "I'm not overly proud. I'll help you with paperwork, sort of like a clerk."
"Sorry," said the contractor. "We have more than enough clerks.
With that the lawyer got upset. Jumping to his feet, he turned toward the door and shouted, "Well, to work for you, I'd have to be a low-down, double-dealing SOB anyhow."
"You didn't say you were a lawyer!" exclaimed the contractor. "Do sit down."
God doesn’t think she’s a lawyer.
Vampires only suck blood at night.
Ten, if you make them stand on their heads.
-- Charles E. Sherman
-- Franz Kafka
The musician’s dog was softly howling strains of the Moonlight sonata. The engineer’s dog was using his paw to perform calculations in the dust.
The lawyer’s dog was screwing all the rest.
“I have you both beaten,” the lawyer gloated. “Before Adam and Eve, before the Garden of Eden, before all creation, there was a state of chaos, and who but lawyers could have created that?”
No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.
One of the flyers yells to the figure far below, “Where are we?”
The man yells back, “About a half mile from town.”
Once again, the balloonists are engulfed in the mist. One flyer says to the other, “He must have been a lawyer.”
The other says, “A lawyer! How do you know that?”
The first says, “That’s easy. The information he gave us was accurate, concise, and entirely irrelevant.”
-- James Gibbons Haneker
-- Robert Smith Surtees
A boxing referee doesn’t get paid extra for a longer fight.
If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Once launched during a campaign, they can rarely be recalled.
And when they land, they screw up everything forever.