Jokes of the day A rich white man threw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors, including Leroy, the only black guy in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating BBQ and flirting with the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I came home from a business trip and I found a 10 foot alligator got in my pool and I can't find anybody who will come and take him away. I'd give a million dollars to anyone who would do the job!" The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! He was jabbing it in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and chokeholds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping it through the air like some kind of Kung-Fu master. The water was churning and splashing in the struggle. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the surface. He slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was staring in disbelief. Finally the host says, "Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars." "I don't want it," said Leroy, panting. The rich man said, "Leroy, I have to give you something! You won the bet." Leroy said, "I would be satisfied if you gave me the name of whichever one of these white motherf**kers it was that pushed me in the pool." --------------------------------- A Montana cowboy was moving his herd in a remote pasture when suddenly a Brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full color, 150 page report on his Hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves." "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a consultant for the National Democratic Party." says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a damn thing about cows........ Now give me back my dog." ----------------------------------- Daddy Long Legs A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders. Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention. He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. 'Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?' she asked. 'They're mating,' her father replied. 'What do you call the spider on top?' she asked. 'That's a Daddy Longlegs,' her father answered. So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?' the little girl asked. As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied 'No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.' The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat, saying 'Well, we're not having any of that brokeback mountain shit in our garden.' Brings a tear to your eye...doesn't it ?. ----------------- A man walks into his bedroom carrying a big, fluffy, white sheep. He says, "Honey, this is the pig I have sex with when you're not in the mood." His wife, who is in bed, says, "I hate to tell you this, but that's not a pig you're carrying. It's a sheep." The husband says, "Yeah, I know. I was talking to the sheep." ------------- ‘A lawyer, a salesman, and a scientist were having a beer together. They started to talk about wives and mistresses. Eventually, the discussion got to which is better. The lawyer said,”A wife is better because she is always there and supports your career.” The salesman said, “A mistress is better because she is always happy to see you.” The scientist said, “It is better to have both.” “Both?” “Both?” “Yes. Because when the wife thinks you’re with the mistress and the mistress thinks you are with the wife, you can be in the lab working.” ‘ ----------- 1. How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? None, because they never change anything! [not true, unfortunately, ask a guy in divorce court]. 2. A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat. She thinks to herself, “Here’s another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchical society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat,” and she pushes him back onto the seat. A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up. Finally, the man says, “Look, lady, you’ve got to let me get up. I’m two miles past my stop already!” 3. Q: What’s the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? A: 45 lbs. 4. Q: What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? A: Sexual harassment 5. Q: What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? A: $3.99 a minute 6. Q: What is another term for lesbian? A: Vagitarian 7. My favorite: How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb? Answer: The very choice of patritypical hypermacho sexual imagery in reference to what one might do with a light bulb exposes a deeply held and hegemonic bias objectifying the light bulb as both passive, willing victim and as compliant proxy for the colonial fate of southern hemisphere alterity. ---------- Reminds me of the Genesis story. God told Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you have a brain and a penis. The bad news is I could only rig enough blood pressure to run one of them at a time." Reminds me of my favorite Genesis story, in which Adam warns Eve: "You'd better stand back a bit, honey, this is my first try with this thing and God only knows how big it's going to get."