HELLO EVERYONE, I'M ALWAYS RECEIVING GREAT STORIES AND JOKES FROM ALL OF MY FRIENDS AROUND THE WORLD. THAT INCLUDES COCO IN BOSNIA, VUJS IN HAWAII,SHERRI IN KOREA, AND BURLEY GOD KNOWS WHERE AMONG A FEW. INSTEAD OF KEEPING THESE ALL TO MYSELF, I THOUGHT I WOULD SHARE THEM WITH YOU.....ENJOY!!!
Darla and Buckwheat are in school.
Mrs. Crabtree: "Darla spell dumb and use it in a sentence."
Darla "Dumb: D. U. M. B. Buckwheat is dumb."
Mr.s Crabtree: "Darla spell stupid and use it in a sentence."
Darla: "Stupid: S. T. U. P. I. D. Buchwheat is stupid."
Mrs. Crabtree: "Buckwheat, spell dictate and use it in a sentence."
Buckwheat: "Dictate: D. I. C. T. A. T. E. I may be dumb and I may be
stupid, but Darla says my dictate good."
Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to savetheir parents
the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag,
the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night athome. Later
that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a
cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter'sbedroom and
heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, "That'snormal,
especially on her wedding night."
She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard herlaughing. "
That's normal too, " she said, smiling to herself.
Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where shedidn't hear a
peep, but she thought nothing of it.
The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had goneout, the woman
asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises. "Well,Mom," she
replied, "you always said if it hurt, I should scream."
"You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her,turning to
her middle daughter. "Now why were you laughing?" she asked.
"You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,"she answered.
"True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering hernewlywed days.
"Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngestdaughter. "Why
was it so quiet in your room last night?"
"Mom, don't you remember? You always told me to never talk withmy mouth full."
One morning, the members of a farm family were coming to thekitchen for
breakfast. Just as Junior seated himself, his mother told himthat he wasn't
going to get anything to eat until he went to the barn and fedthe animals.
Mad at this, he stomped out the door and headed for the barn. Ashe fed the
chickens, he kicked each one in the head. As the cow bent downto start on
fresh hay, he kicked her in the head. He poured food into thetrough for the
pigs, and as they started eating, he kicked each one in thehead. He went
back to the kitchen and sat down again.
His mother was furious. "I saw what you did, so since youkicked the
chickens, you'll get no eggs for breakfast. And since you kickedthe cow,
you'll get no milk. And no bacon or sausage because you kickedthe pigs.
Just then, the father came down the stairs and nearly trippedover the cat.
On impulse, he kicked the cat off the stairs.
The boy looked at his mother and asked"Are you going to tell him or should I ??
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, whoimmediately
demanded an inspection of the place. The Farmer
had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law,
hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonisticrelationship.
To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity,demanding changes,
offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to thefarmer and his
new bride. While they were walking through the barn, thefarmer's mule
suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head,killing her
instantly.At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near
the casketand greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that
whenever awoman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his
head yes andsay something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to thefarmer,
however, he could shake his head, no and mumble a reply. Verycurious as to
this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer whatthat was allabout.
The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible
tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The menwould ask,
'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say,'Can't. It's
all booked up for a year.'
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty.
He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his
tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped
dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a
dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He
asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's
your name?""Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot
named you Clarence?"The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller
The Farside comes to life in Oregon.
I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have
it all on videotape. The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon,
which sent a reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton
dead whale that washed up on the beach. The responsibility for getting
rid of the carcass was placed on the Oregon State Highway Division,
apparently on the theory that highways and whales are very similar in
the sense of being large objects.
So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan-remember,
I am not making this up-of blowing up the whale with dynamite. The
thinking is that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would
be eaten by seagulls, and that would be that. A textbook whale removal.
So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton
of dynamite next to the whale and set it off. I am probably not guilty
of understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is
the most wonderful event in the history of the universe. First you see
the whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. Then
you hear the happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!" Then,
suddenly, the crowd's tone changes. You hear a new sound like "splud."
You hear a woman's voice shouting "Here come pieces of...MY GOD!"
Something smears the camera lens.
Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation
suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale
blubber fell everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car parked
more than a quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the beach were several
rotting whale sectors the size of condominium units. There was no sign
of the seagulls who had no doubt permanently relocated to Brazil.
This is a very sobering videotape. Here at the institute we
watch it often, especially at parties. But this is no time for gaiety.
This is a time to get hold of the folks at the Oregon State Highway
Division and ask them, when they get done cleaning up the beaches, to
give us an estimate on the US Capitol.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Walker O. Smith Department of Ecology and
Evolutionary BiologyPhone 423-974-5226 569 Dabney Hall
Fax 423-974-3065 University of Tennessee, Knoxville,
There were these two best friends out playing golf one beautiful day.After hitting their tee shots, both noticed that neither was even close to the fairway. One friend hit it way left, the other way right. They decided that since the shots were so bad, they'd just meet up at the hole. So the first guy went off and looked and looked and finally found his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups. He promptly pulled out his 7 iron and started whacking away. Buttercups were flying everywhere, but the ball wouldn't come out. Well, finally Mother Nature got mad. She came up from the ground and said to the man, "I've created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I'm going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups,your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year." The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the Buttercups.Mother Nature said, "Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find sofunny?" The man looked up and said, "My buddy is over on the other side in the Pussywillows."
Amish and an Elevator
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy
asked his father, "What is this, father?" The father (never having
seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like
this in my life, I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady
in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small
room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small
circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued
to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls
opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The
father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
This is kind of long but funny!!
Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers inthe following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite gte the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does...
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out everyday, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works it's way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your shirt and kissing your chest.
Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.
Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.
Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive.
Wellhung: I'll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body, the air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just ant to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!
Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: Ok. I'm pulling your sweat pants off and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeee!
Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over in and out nibbling on you...umm...wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What's the matter?
Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking ofr a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you.
Wellhung: I'm ddrying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately--our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Welllhung: I have to pee. I'm funbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but can't find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What's the matter now?
Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yess. Come on.
Wellhung: Ok, now I'm going to put my...you know...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Well hung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I'm flaccid.
Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh nooo!
Sweetheart: logged off
NEW YORK CITY
A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge
looked down at the man and then at the charges and then
down at the little man in amazement. "Can you tell me in
your own words what happened?" he asked the man.
"I'm a mathematician dealing in the laws of nature," said
the man. "Yes, go on," said the astounded judge.
"Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted
and went to take them out. The clerk told me my library
card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went
to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another card. And then I got back in line for my card." "And?" said the judge.
"The clerk looked at the forms and then asked me 'Can
you prove you're from New York City?' ....So I stabbed him."
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving a perfect car along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? (scroll down for the answer)
The perfect woman.
She's the only one that really existed in the first place.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing
as a perfect man...
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman
must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender. The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" said the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day". "Oh. That's nice.", says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's your name?". "Dewey" came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?". "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again". So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be Louie". "No", growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles.
And don't ask about my fucking day".
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally
she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys
her a fancy dinner with expensive wine, and on the way home he pulls
over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.
They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach
under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to
stay that way. "Well, OK," he says, "how a 'bout a blow job?"
"EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in
my mouth!" He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?"
"I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?"
"Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to
shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods.
"Well, it's just like that."
So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A
few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close,
tears roll down his cheeks, steam blows out of his ear, and he screams
out in pain. "What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!"
Two young brothers are getting ready for bed. The eleven
year old announces to his younger brother that he's going
to use a swear word tomorrow because it will be fun and
bring some excitement to the table. The eight year old
decides that he too will use a swear word tomorrow. The
eleven year old decides to use the word *Hell* and the
eight year old decides to use the word *ass*.
The following morning, the mother asks the eleven year
old what he wants for breakfast.
"Hell," says the eleven year old, "I'll have some Cheerios!"
The mother is furious. She launches into a five minute
tirade on the evils of using bad words. When she finally
settles down, she turns to the eight year old and asks him
what he wants for breakfast.
"Well, you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
There was a little girl who happened to walk in on her mother and
father having sex. Not wanting to interrupt, she sat there quietly,
and watched as her mother gave her father a blow job. Later on, she
says to her mother, "Mommy, I saw what you were doing with daddy
earlier. Is that how you get babies?" The mother turned to her
daughter and said,
"No honey, that's how you get jewelry!"
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed
someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned
around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she
quickly rubbed it out with an eraser, and began her class. The next day
went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis'
the black board. Again, she looked around in vainfor the culprit, but
none, so again, she erased it and proceeded with the day's lesson. Every
morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same
written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's
Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the sameword
the board, but instead, found the words,
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
A university professor had just finished explaining an important
research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an
absolute requirement for passing his class, and there would be only
two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically
certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.
A wisecracking student in the back of the classroom waved his hand
and spoke up "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"
As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the
students finally settled down, the professor gave the student a long,
Well", he responded, "I guess you'll just have to write with your other hand"