JOKES AND STORIES

HELLO EVERYONE, I'M ALWAYS RECEIVING GREAT STORIES AND JOKES FROM ALL OF MY FRIENDS AROUND THE WORLD. THAT INCLUDES COCO IN BOSNIA, VUJS IN HAWAII,SHERRI IN KOREA, AND BURLEY GOD KNOWS WHERE AMONG A FEW. INSTEAD OF KEEPING THESE ALL TO MYSELF, I THOUGHT I WOULD SHARE THEM WITH YOU.....ENJOY!!!

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but snaps to attention when she hears one of the men say the following: "Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come toghether. I come once-a- more. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Den I come one lasta time." The lady gasps and exclaims, "You foul-mouthed pig! In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," the man replies "I no talk about sex, Imma justa tellun my friend here how to spella 'Mississippi'!"
LISA G.

Darla and Buckwheat are in school. Mrs. Crabtree: "Darla spell dumb and use it in a sentence." Darla "Dumb: D. U. M. B. Buckwheat is dumb." Mr.s Crabtree: "Darla spell stupid and use it in a sentence." Darla: "Stupid: S. T. U. P. I. D. Buchwheat is stupid." Mrs. Crabtree: "Buckwheat, spell dictate and use it in a sentence." Buckwheat: "Dictate: D. I. C. T. A. T. E. I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good."

JAMES V.

"A Dog Fight" The Americans and Russians, at the height of the arms race realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest and meanest Doberman and Rottweiler females in the world and bred them with the biggest and meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest and meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick, and nobody could get near it. When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed upwith a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage and waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog. The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened.We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiller females in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves." "That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund." The following day this article appeared in the Pravda Newspaper. "In the Dog fight for world dominance, the Russians came in second, and the United States came in next to last."

WILLIAM B.

Things NOT to say when pulled over.>>>>15. No, YOU assume the position, Piggy. >>14. I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special! >>13. If I bend over, will I still get a ticket? >>12. No, offi, offic, lucifer . . . I'm not as think you are drunk I am. I >>swear to dog. >>11. No, I don't know how fast I was going. The little needle stops at 110. >>10. Back off Barney, I've got a piece. >>9. Want to race to the station, Sparky? >>8. I know I was weaving, but I was trying to hit all the little green men! >>7. On the way to the station let's get a six pack. >>6. You'll never get those cuffs on me. . . You Pussy! >>5. Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes! >>4. Hey, wasn't your daughter a porn queen? >>3. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me. >>2. Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me? >>1. What do you use those rubber gloves for?

WILLIAM B.

Joan, a well proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathingsuit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one couldsee her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs.She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. " The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we'd appreciateyour wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. " Noone can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed gentleman. "You're lying onthe dining room skylight."_________________________________________________________ ...desert?...

SHERRI R.

A man went into the proctologist's office for his firstexam. >>>> > The doctor told him to have a seat in the examinationroom >>>> > and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.>>>> > >>>> > Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, henoticed >>>> > that there were three items on a stand next to thedoctor's >>>> > desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.>>>> > >>>> > When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this ismyfirst >>>> > exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the >>>> > glove is for... but what's the BEER for?" At thisinstant, the >>>> > doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to thedoor.>>>> > >>>> > The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, >>>> > "Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"

SHERRI R.

On their honeymoon night, the burly groom took off his pants and asked his bride to put them on. The waist alone was twice herbody. She said, "I can't wear your pants!" "That's right!" said the groom, "And don't you forget it. I'mthe one who wears the PANTS in this family." The bride took off her panties and asked her new husband to trythem on. "No way. I CAN'T get into your panties." "That's right! And that's the way it will be until you changeyourATTITUDE !"

SHERRI R.

A farmer and his wife are given the gift of a parrot from arelative. The Parrot, being a male, sneaks out and screws the next doorneighbors turkeys and rushes back home, but not before being caught in the act.The next door neighbors knock on the door and explain what the Parrot has beendoing. The owners of the parrot reprimand him and tell him if he doesn'tstop it he's going to shave the parrots head. That night the Parrot, overcomewith desire, sneaks out and screws his neighbors turkeys again. Thenext morning the owner ties the bird down and proceeds to shave his head. Thefollowing morning is the Farmers daughters wedding, and in order to pleasethe relative that gave them the parrot, they sit the parrot on apiano and tell him for his punishment he has to greet all the guests and tellthem where to sit in the church. The parrot is doing fine. "Grooms side tothe left and Brides side to the right". Until two bald guys walk in andhe says, "And you two Turkey fuckers up on the piano with me!!!"

SHERRI R.

Three sisters decided to get married on the same day to savetheir parents the expense of separate weddings. As a further step to reduce the price tag, the three sisters resolved to spend their honeymoon night athome. Later that night, their mother couldn't sleep, so she went to the kitchen for a cup of tea. On her way, she tiptoed by her oldest daughter'sbedroom and heard her screaming. The mother thought to herself, "That'snormal, especially on her wedding night." She snuck by her second oldest daughter's room and heard herlaughing. " That's normal too, " she said, smiling to herself. Finally, she slipped by her youngest daughter's room where shedidn't hear a peep, but she thought nothing of it. The next morning in the kitchen, after the husbands had goneout, the woman asked her eldest daughter about last night's noises. "Well,Mom," she replied, "you always said if it hurt, I should scream." "You're absolutely right sweetheart," the mother assured her,turning to her middle daughter. "Now why were you laughing?" she asked. "You always said if it tickled, I could laugh,"she answered. "True enough, honey." The mother smiled, remembering hernewlywed days. "Now it's your turn, baby," she said turning to her youngestdaughter. "Why was it so quiet in your room last night?" "Mom, don't you remember? You always told me to never talk withmy mouth full."

SHERRI R.

One morning, the members of a farm family were coming to thekitchen for breakfast. Just as Junior seated himself, his mother told himthat he wasn't going to get anything to eat until he went to the barn and fedthe animals. Mad at this, he stomped out the door and headed for the barn. Ashe fed the chickens, he kicked each one in the head. As the cow bent downto start on fresh hay, he kicked her in the head. He poured food into thetrough for the pigs, and as they started eating, he kicked each one in thehead. He went back to the kitchen and sat down again. His mother was furious. "I saw what you did, so since youkicked the chickens, you'll get no eggs for breakfast. And since you kickedthe cow, you'll get no milk. And no bacon or sausage because you kickedthe pigs. Just then, the father came down the stairs and nearly trippedover the cat. On impulse, he kicked the cat off the stairs. The boy looked at his mother and asked"Are you going to tell him or should I ??

SHERRI R.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, whoimmediately demanded an inspection of the place. The Farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonisticrelationship. To no avail, she kept nagging them at every opportunity,demanding changes, offering unwanted advice and making life unbearable to thefarmer and his new bride. While they were walking through the barn, thefarmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head,killing her instantly.At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casketand greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever awoman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes andsay something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to thefarmer, however, he could shake his head, no and mumble a reply. Verycurious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer whatthat was allabout. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.' The menwould ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say,'Can't. It's all booked up for a year.'

SHERRI R.

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again. The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot, "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?""Clarence," said the bird. "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus!"

WILLIAM B.

The Farside comes to life in Oregon. I am absolutely not making this incident up; in fact I have it all on videotape. The tape is from a local TV news show in Oregon, which sent a reporter out to cover the removal of a 45-foot, eight-ton dead whale that washed up on the beach. The responsibility for getting rid of the carcass was placed on the Oregon State Highway Division, apparently on the theory that highways and whales are very similar in the sense of being large objects. So anyway, the highway engineers hit upon the plan-remember, I am not making this up-of blowing up the whale with dynamite. The thinking is that the whale would be blown into small pieces, which would be eaten by seagulls, and that would be that. A textbook whale removal. So they moved the spectators back up the beach, put a half-ton of dynamite next to the whale and set it off. I am probably not guilty of understatement when I say that what follows, on the videotape, is the most wonderful event in the history of the universe. First you see the whale carcass disappear in a huge blast of smoke and flame. Then you hear the happy spectators shouting "Yayy!" and "Whee!" Then, suddenly, the crowd's tone changes. You hear a new sound like "splud." You hear a woman's voice shouting "Here come pieces of...MY GOD!" Something smears the camera lens. Later, the reporter explains: "The humor of the entire situation suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber fell everywhere." One piece caved in the roof of a car parked more than a quarter of a mile away. Remaining on the beach were several rotting whale sectors the size of condominium units. There was no sign of the seagulls who had no doubt permanently relocated to Brazil. This is a very sobering videotape. Here at the institute we watch it often, especially at parties. But this is no time for gaiety. This is a time to get hold of the folks at the Oregon State Highway Division and ask them, when they get done cleaning up the beaches, to give us an estimate on the US Capitol. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * Walker O. Smith Department of Ecology and Evolutionary BiologyPhone 423-974-5226 569 Dabney Hall Fax 423-974-3065 University of Tennessee, Knoxville, TN 37996

WILLIAM B.

There were these two best friends out playing golf one beautiful day.After hitting their tee shots, both noticed that neither was even close to the fairway. One friend hit it way left, the other way right. They decided that since the shots were so bad, they'd just meet up at the hole. So the first guy went off and looked and looked and finally found his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups. He promptly pulled out his 7 iron and started whacking away. Buttercups were flying everywhere, but the ball wouldn't come out. Well, finally Mother Nature got mad. She came up from the ground and said to the man, "I've created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I'm going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups,your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year." The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the Buttercups.Mother Nature said, "Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find sofunny?" The man looked up and said, "My buddy is over on the other side in the Pussywillows."

JAMES V.

Amish and an Elevator An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is." While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

WILLIM B.

This is kind of long but funny!! Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as "cybersex". Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you'll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers inthe following transcript of an online chat doesn't seem to quite gte the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does... Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like? Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out everyday, I'm toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like? Wellhung: I'm 6'3" and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I'm also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner...it smells funny. Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me? Wellhung: OK Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I'm looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works it's way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge. Wellhung: I'm gulping, I'm beginning to sweat. Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest. Wellhung: Now I'm unbuttoning your shirt and kissing your chest. Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly. Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly. Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I'm rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing. Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry. Sweetheart: That's OK, it wasn't really too expensive. Wellhung: I'll pay for it. Sweetheart: Don't worry about it. I'm wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder. Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it's stuck. Do you have any scissors? Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I'm reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body, the air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you. Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp. Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby. I just ant to feel your tongue all over me. Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat! Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear. Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm. Sweetheart: What? Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really. Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse. Wellhung: I'm taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop. Sweetheart: Ok. I'm pulling your sweat pants off and rubbing your hard tool. Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeee! Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties. Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over in and out nibbling on you...umm...wait a minute. Sweetheart: What's the matter? Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking. Sweetheart: Are you OK? Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red. Sweetheart: Can I help? Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I'm fumbling through the cabinets, looking ofr a cup. Where do you keep your cups? Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink. Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There, that's better. Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover. Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now. Sweetheart: I'm on the bed aching for you. Wellhung: I'm ddrying the cup. Now I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it's dark, I'm lost. Where's the bedroom? Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall. Wellhung: I found it. Sweetheart: I'm tuggin' off your pants. I'm moaning. I want you so badly. Wellhung: Me too. Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately--our naked bodies pressing each other. Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts. Sweetheart: Why don't you take off your glasses? Wellhung: OK, but I can't see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table. Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby! Welllhung: I have to pee. I'm funbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom. Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover. Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid. Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return. Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle, but can't find it. Uh-oh! Sweetheart: What's the matter now? Wellhung: I've realized that I've peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bedroom now blindly feeling my way. Sweetheart: Mmm, yess. Come on. Wellhung: Ok, now I'm going to put my...you know...thing...in your...you know...woman's thing. Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it! Well hung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss neck. Umm, I'm having a little trouble here. Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can't stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now! Wellhung: I'm flaccid. Sweetheart: What? Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection. Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face. Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I'm going to get my glasses and see what's wrong. Sweetheart: No, never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear. now I'm putting on my wet nasty blouse. Wellhung: No wait! Now I'm squinting, trying to find the night table. I'm feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles. Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. Now I'm putting on my shoes. Wellhung: I've found my glasses. I'm putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I'm pointing at it, a shocked look on my face. Sweetheart: Go to hell. I'm logging off, you loser! Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh nooo! Sweetheart: logged off

JAMES V.
NEW YORK CITY A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement. "Can you tell me in your own words what happened?" he asked the man. "I'm a mathematician dealing in the laws of nature," said the man. "Yes, go on," said the astounded judge. "Well, I was at the library and I found the books I wanted and went to take them out. The clerk told me my library card had expired and I had to get a new one. So I went to the registration office and got in another line. And filled out my forms for another card. And then I got back in line for my card." "And?" said the judge. "The clerk looked at the forms and then asked me 'Can you prove you're from New York City?' ....So I stabbed him."
JAMES V.

THE TRUNK
One day, a newly married man goes to the attic of his new home to put a few things in storage. While there, he notices a large steamer trunk sitting in the corner. He tries to open it and finds it locked. Puzzled, he calls his new bride up to the attic and asks her about it. She tells him that it is hers and that it only contains some personal things. He accepts her answer and eventually forgets the matter.> Three years later, while cleaning out the attic, the man runs across the trunk and again asks his wife what's in it. She again tells him that it contains only personal things, but this time he is more persistent. So she sits him down and reminds him that she makes him happy when he's feeling down, that she keeps the house meticulously clean, that she cooks him fantastic meals seven days a week, and that she gives him all the sex he wants, anytime he wants it. Then she tells him if he is happy with all of those things, that he should forget about the trunk because she will not talk about it. "Fair enough," says the husband, and he finishes cleaning out the attic.> On their 25th wedding anniversary, he pulls the trunk down the stairs, into the middle of the living room floor, and calls to his wife. "Honey," he says, "We've been married for 25 years and I think it's time we had a heart-to-heart talk. What the hell is in this trunk?" The wife protests, reminding him once again about the clean house, the good food and the great sex. "I don't care," he tells her. "After 25 years we ought to be able to talk about anything. Now open this trunk!" She takes a key from a chain hanging around her neck and opens the trunk. Inside are three ears of corn and 25 thousand dollars in cash. "Hell!" shouts the surprised husband. "What's going on here? Where did all of this come from?" "Well, sweetie," replies the wife, "You said we could talk, so I'll tell you what you want to know. Over the years, I tried to stay faithful to you, but I wasn't always successful. Every time that I cheated on you, I put an ear of corn into the trunk."> The husband could not believe the shocking confession. He mulled it over in his mind for a few moments and finally said, "All right, I admit I'm not too thrilled about this, but I did say we should be honest with each other, so I guess I can live with three ears of corn in 25 years. But where did all the money come from?" "Well," she replies, "Whenever the trunk got full, I sold the corn."
JAMES V.

FARMER and COW
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?" Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened that's so horrible? Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: OK, but that's not so bad. Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So what happened then? Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket. Man: Again? Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do then? Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right. Man: and then? Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail. Man: Hmmm... Farmer: Some things you just can't explain. Man: So, what did you do? Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.....
JAMES V.
The top 10 things you'll never hear a man say: 10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
7. While I'm up, can I get you anything?
6. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.
5. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
4. Aww, forget Monday night football, let's watch Melrose Place.
3. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
2. We never talk anymore.
1. Yes, You may date my daughter!
The top 10 things you'll never hear a woman say:
10. What do you mean "today's our anniversary"?
9. Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
8. Ohh, this diamond is way too big!
7. And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
6. Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being "just friends".
5. Honey does this outfit make my butt look too small?
4. Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out how to get there.
3. Is that phone for me? Tell 'em I'm not here.
2. I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer dress.
1. Hey, pull my finger!

JAMES V.
Things you would NEVER hear a southerner say:
"I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex."
"Duct tape won't fix that."
"Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken."
"We don't keep firearms in this house."
"Has anybody seen the sideburn trimmer?"
"You can't feed that to the dog."
"No kids in the back of the pickup, it aint safe."
"Wrasslin's fake."
"I'll have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy."
"Who's Richard Petty?"
"Gimme the SMALL bag of pork rinds."
"Deer heads detract from the decor."
"Spittin' is such a nasty habit."
"Trim the fat off that steak."
"The tires on that truck are too big."
"I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad."
"I've got it on a floppy disk."
"Unsweetened tea tastes better."
"Would you like your fish poached or broiled?"
"My fiancee, Paula Jo, is registered at Tiffany's"
"I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl."
"Little Debbie snack cakes have too much fat!"
"Checkmate."
"She's too old to be wearing that bikini."
"Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?"
"Hey, here's an episode of Hee Haw we haven't seen!"
"I don't HAVE a favorite college team."
"Those shorts oughtabe a little longer, Darlin."
"Elvis who?"
"I couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today"
JAMES V.

The Perfect Joke
A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register. There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on. She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?" He says, "Ma'am I'm blind but if you will drop it on the counter I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound that it makes." She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway. He said, "That's a 6' graphite rod with a Zebco 202 reel and 10 lb. test line... It's a good all around rod and reel and it's $20.00". She says, "That's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I think it's what I'm looking for so I'll take it."
He walks behind the counter to the register, and in the meantime the woman farts. At first she is embarrassed but then realizes that there is no way he could tell it was her.. being blind he wouldn't know that she was the only person around. He rings up the sale and says, "That will be $25.50."
She says, "But didn't you say it was $20.00?"
He says, "Yes ma'am, the rod and reel is $20.00, the duck call is $3.00, and the catfish stink bait is $2.50."
HEATHER P.
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect. One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving a perfect car along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor? (scroll down for the answer)
The perfect woman. She's the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man...
Women, end email here. Men, keep scrolling.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
JAMES V.

This guy walks into a quiet bar. He is carrying three ducks. One in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar. He has a few drinks and chats with the Bartender. The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks. They chat for about 30 minutes before the guy with the ducks has to go to the restroom. The ducks are left on the bar. The bartender is alone with the ducks. There is an awkward silence. The Bartender decides to try to make some conversation. "What's your name?" He says to the first duck. "Huey" said the first duck. "How's your day been, Huey?" "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day". "Oh. That's nice.", says the Bartender. Then he says to the second duck "Hi. And what's your name?". "Dewey" came the answer. "So how's your day been, Dewey?". "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance another day I would do the same again". So the Bartender turns to the third duck and says "So, you must be Louie". "No", growls the third duck, "My name is Puddles.
And don't ask about my fucking day".
THE PENGUIN
A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys her a fancy dinner with expensive wine, and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot. They start necking and he's getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she's a virgin and wants to stay that way. "Well, OK," he says, "how a 'bout a blow job?" "EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!" she screams. "I'm not putting that thing in my mouth!" He says, "Well, then, how about a hand job?" "I've never done that," she says. "What do I have to do?" "Well," he answers, "remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?" She nods. "Well, it's just like that." So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close, tears roll down his cheeks, steam blows out of his ear, and he screams out in pain. "What's wrong?!" she cries out.
"TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!"
THE PENGUIN
Two young brothers are getting ready for bed. The eleven year old announces to his younger brother that he's going to use a swear word tomorrow because it will be fun and bring some excitement to the table. The eight year old decides that he too will use a swear word tomorrow. The eleven year old decides to use the word *Hell* and the eight year old decides to use the word *ass*. The following morning, the mother asks the eleven year old what he wants for breakfast. "Hell," says the eleven year old, "I'll have some Cheerios!" The mother is furious. She launches into a five minute tirade on the evils of using bad words. When she finally settles down, she turns to the eight year old and asks him what he wants for breakfast.
"Well, you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"
THE PENGUIN
There was a little girl who happened to walk in on her mother and father having sex. Not wanting to interrupt, she sat there quietly, and watched as her mother gave her father a blow job. Later on, she says to her mother, "Mommy, I saw what you were doing with daddy earlier. Is that how you get babies?" The mother turned to her daughter and said,
"No honey, that's how you get jewelry!"
JAMES V.
One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly rubbed it out with an eraser, and began her class. The next day she went into the room, and she saw, in larger letters, the word 'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vainfor the culprit, but found none, so again, she erased it and proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same word written on the board, each day's word, larger than the previous day's word. Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the sameword on the board, but instead, found the words,
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
JAMES V.
A university professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family. A wisecracking student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?" As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students finally settled down, the professor gave the student a long, appraising look.
Well", he responded, "I guess you'll just have to write with your other hand"
JAMES V.